WHY MOST RELATIONSHIPS DO NOT LAST NOWADAYS

Of late it seems that when you turn to the left, a couple is breaking up and when you turn to the right, another one is hacking each other to death, or stabbing or shooting or strangling them and you have to ask, why is this?
Granted, we are living in a global village thanks to the internet and the distribution of information seamlessly and instantly from all corners of the world to everywhere else, so if you are looking for something you are bound to find it in plenty.
In the last five years, however, it just seems to me like I know a lot more people breaking up than I did say, ten years ago; I honestly hardly used to hear so many people splitting up even though there were still some. It seems that Millenials just can't stay together; they lack the patience and courage it takes to love and live with someone, and they really don't care. I have a few theories as to why this could be the case, and the main one has to do with the progression of gender roles over time.

Long ago, it was the man's duty to provide for the family, protect them, and fix things that needed fixing while the woman was to stay home, keep the house clean, and have lots of healthy, giggling babies. Due to humanity, though, some assholes abused this status quo and you would find men not supporting their families, instead going out to drink all night and supporting random women with their money, then beat their wives silly if they dared to voice their opinions on the same. Some women as well engaged in random acts of diva-ism; running around gossiping, partying and dropping babies randomly, not caring and nurturing them as a mother should. These are the women who mothered us, and the men who fathered us; are you starting to see the problem?
Responsible mothers naturally loved their children equally, but taught their daughters to stand up for themselves, and to learn to do things for themselves so they could support themselves in case they ended up alone. They taught them that there was no shame in walking away from an abusive and unsatisfactory relationship- they would receive them with open arms, so they did not have to prove to anyone that they could run a family unless they really wanted to.
As for the men, their mothers loved them also, but that is all they could/would do, and with their fathers away on endless contracts and drinking in the bars, the boys picked up random pieces of information from friends, neighbours, TV, and magazines (the days majority of which were still printed in hard copy of course). And with this, they left to face the world.
Now what do you get when you cross a very empowered female with a very emasculated male, and throw in the mix rapid modernisation?
A disaster, that's what you get.
Other mothers saw this happening and thought that they could love the emasculation out of their sons so they smothered them with even more love (and a little manipulation here and there), but they were wrong; breeding instead entitled little shits who could neither change a light bulb nor fry an egg for themselves when need be.
Probably because the little that they saw of their fathers seemed untouchable, happy, successful and content, they decided subconsciously that this was the way to be, so they carried this same attitude and behaviour and attempted to lay it on women who grew up seeing the endless tears her mother cried and the premature wrinkles she got from stress.
Disaster, I tell you.
The worst of this is that no one wants to change, as they see nothing wrong with them so why compromise? No one either wants to help the other change; if your mother didn't teach you then the world will, as the Swahili proverb warns. Is there any hope for us then? Because messed up children form messed up adults who raise messed up children and the cycle goes on and on, unbroken.
I believe that the change can only start when we admit that we are all screwed up in one way or another; and when we let go of this denial, then we will be able to heal ourselves and each other, seeing as no one is perfect and we have all sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God.....
Let me know if you think I'm right, and if you don't agree also let me know, so we can work on the healing little by little, and fix whatever we can to salvage humanity in some way or the other, or at least the family unit.
'Til next time, keep it foxxy my dears!
XO

PLEASE DON'T TRAP THAT MAN

Hello there dears! I hope you're doing great over there, and I'm here to offer some advice today, which you've probably heard before, but it bears repeating; do not trap that man. It doesn't matter if he's your soul mate, your perfect and better half, the father of your hypothetical kids, etc. Whatever; if he doesn't want to stay with you just let him go, please! You will work so hard at getting him nailed down in place, and then you will have to work at keeping him interested and working for his true love for the rest of your life, which is bound to be hard work....

Think of him like a cat that you want to put inside a box. If the cat does not want to get in the box and you force him, you will be scratched, and if you manage to put him in the box you'll have to work hard to keep him in there. Whenever you want to feed him you will have to open the box to quickly throw in the snack and close it as fast as possible, failure to which you may lose your cat, or your eye, or both because in the process you will receive plenty of scratches. Remember, once that pussy cat escapes the box prison, you will never see him again.
Forever ever.
Grim imagery, no?
Let's get more literal, then.
Imagine going to bed each night, and when he's not next to you, you know he's probably out with someone he feels something for, because once you manage to trap him all he will be thinking of is escaping; which is only human. Just ask the women out there who used pregnancy or some kind of manipulation to trap a guy how it's working out for them and they'll probably tell you it's not so great, that is if they are not still so deep in denial that they will lie through their teeth.

I personally know one who did so; trying to force his arm by getting him to sign on some 'agreement' that he would never want to have anything to do with the kid and when this did not yield the desired results she carried her pregnant self to his parents. She used all her armor, leaving nothing at all to chance - even using her family's background and her situation to evoke sympathy and it worked like a charm.
Or so it seemed.

The guy's mom took pity on her and implored her son to do the same and take her in; she was carrying her future grandchild after all. So she worked her way in, visiting almost every weekend and every time she could spare a moment, telling her new friend and soon to be mom-in-law every dirty little secret she could find of her son, and even a few of the other family members that she could find because, well, who doesn't like a little spy giving them outside perspective of their family?
Soon enough, she had the child and moved in with the guy and they became the perfect family, she had envisioned, but only for a while because soon enough he was out drinking most nights and hanging out with other girls. She would then report all the goings on to her 'mum-in-law' with the hopes that she would reign her son in and get him to act right, but honestly; what mother is going to turn against her son in favor of a woman who she just met? She is also a woman after all, and so she knows all these dirty little tricks that women use where men are concerned.
Eventually the cookie crumbled because she didn't really like the family and pretense can only last for so long, and she started to resent the regular family visits because she realized that she was on her own and the support she had hoped to get from the guy's mum had been a thin veil that wore out. It has gotten so bad that you can literally tell from the guy's expression when he sees the phone ringing that it's his 'wife' because he just gets so damn tired.
She's also not the best human being to be around to say the least- though she seems to be a good mom, to give credit where it's due. She's combative, argumentative, and always has to be the center of attention at all times, and the worst part of her character is that she tries to look like the better person by making other people around her look bad, and getting them in trouble randomly.
So right now watching their lives is kind of like watching some drama movie, and a bit depressing because they lady's angry, the guy is miserable, and the innocent kids (you read that right; more than one) are caught in the cross-hairs of a fight that they should never have been a part of, and they might grow up scarred when they start to see what's going on as they cannot escape it.

Moral of the story? You can take a goat/donkey/hyena/ whatever animal it is down to the river by force, but you cannot make it drink the water if it does not want to so save yourself the eternal headache and leave him the hell alone.
They do say to let them go even if you love them, and if they love you too, they will eventually find their way back to you.

The worst part is when you get a kid/kids in the mix like in the story above because then they become just a passport to your destination; and honestly what do you think will happen when you have the kid, then the guy does not want to even look at the poor bastard, who may resemble him beyond denial?
Will you be able to love him/her despite seeing the face of rejection of your love staring back at you, covered in mucus and dirt, asking you endless questions when all you want is some peace to get something done? Will you really be the mother to him/her that every child deserves because they never asked to be brought here after all; they're just the consequences of your sin? Will you hug them tight and tell them you love them every single day, and that they are the best thing to ever happen to you? Because every child needs that, and you can easily tell the adults that missed it growing up- they are grade A assholes.
Also, child rearing is EXPENSIVE, when you factor in milk, cooking daily for them, milk, a nanny if you are lucky enough to get a job, formula if you can't/won't breastfeed, and diapers (or nappies, nappy liners, pins, nylon underwear, mackintosh, and soap to clean them all up if you go the 'natural' way), so seriously think about it.
Final thought, life is too short to be spending your love where you won't get it back, and there's no point at all to be tapped in a loveless marriage just so you can be called Mrs so-and-so (it's overrated btw). So stay loving my friends, and do not fall into temptation to do the unthinkably unnecessary;chao!
Also read it here, and do subscribe!

                                                                  XOXO   

FEMINISM POINT 1 - 0; MODERN WOMEN VS TRADITIONAL RELATIONSHIPS

Why is it that some men are scared and/or extremely uncomfortable to listen to women talking about their struggles? 
I can't be the only one that's noticed this for real, and I think the main reason is that our mothers, the gentle, docile angels, they are, taught their sons that they are better than their daughters. 
This gave rise to a generation of men who feel the entitlement like heat on a sunny afternoon. They believe that women are fine with their position and those that aren't are just idle troublemakers, and their situation is ideal-although they would not like it one bit if they had to trade places. 
They think they can just ignore it until the issue goes away by itself, and that those who are dogs will keep being dogs while their females endure it silently with prayers and discreet family interventions, just like their mothers did.
Some of the mothers actually have a self-loathing that translates into hating all fellow women, and viewing themselves as irrational, evil, parasitic, and generally useless (only useful for bearing sons I guess, so they can be taught to hate women by the very ones that give them life and so on and so forth).

Maybe this explains why men raised by single mothers tend to be so much better balanced and respectful while those from whole families are mostly spoilt pieces of dung, quite ironically... 
I can't really say about single fathers, as I personally know very few single fathers compared to single mothers (obviously), but they turned out ok too, generally a bit better than the whole families again. 

So this begs the question: have we become so toxic as human beings that our unions generally do more harm than good? Do we paint such a grim picture of living with our spouses that our offspring turn out forever flawed? 

May be arranged marriages of the past (and currently still in some setups) were the way to go, or maybe human beings are just not meant to be together and cohabit with the same individual for long periods of time. Besides, look at families where one or both spouses are away at work a lot, besides the cheating here and there by some rotten elements, their unions generally seem to last longer than those who, say, work together or close by. Strange argument, but hey, it's my observation and  an opinion, which I believe I'm free to express.
Another observation I've come up with over time is that men really love dumb, pushover women, especially those that claim they don't, possibly because when growing up, their fathers were away on some manly duty or other and neglected to teach them to man up, leaving them with their mothers and showing up every so often to discredit everything she did or even rough her up a bit right in front of them. 
They therefore grew up with a false sense of security and delusions in plenty of the way things 'need' to be, and when they went out into the world as half-baked adults with seriously underdeveloped emotional control and sense of responsibility, they had to look for women to fill in the gaps their mothers left so she would do all those things they grew up believing were taboo for a man to do. Instead of understanding that the job description they need to fill is for a house help (or nanny in some cases) they believe they should marry a woman and make her into their mother, hence the development of the bizarre trend of men cheating and having affairs all around. 
Because obviously you don't marry the woman of your dreams-I mean, who does that? You marry a woman you detest, so you can eventually weasel your way out of your home and into some other woman's arms in the name of 'pressure at home' and 'going through a tough phase' in which 'you don't understand each other' because 'things aren't the way they were in the beginning, when you married'. 
Lmao.
I have sadly also come across more than a reasonable number of men who live in absolute total physical filth and are so disorganized they might lose their brains in the mess, and when asked about it, they'll say things like 'I'm still looking for a wife' or 'the wife has not been here for a while'. Note that the 'wife' being talked about here is just a girlfriend working her ass off in the hopes that her contract will be renewed with permanent status, probably not knowing that when this finally happens, all outings, dates, and nights out will stop immediately because, well, who wants to be seen tagging around an actual 'wife'? 


And yet men wonder why so many women are resisting that term and position nowadays lol. It's the new village idiot position, and to tell the truth, who willingly nominates themselves as such?

So what's the point, and what's the solution? I would love to know because it's making life rather unpleasant to be honest. 
While sometimes I feel sorry for these babies in adult skin walking around scared shitless of practically everything but putting on a brave face and talking big, sometimes it just makes me sick to think that they cannot see what's wrong with them, and will continue on (Heaven forbid) to raise sons that are as screwed up as them. 
And no, I'm not even going to talk about that 'equality' stuff because that's the pet peeve that will be in contention until Christ returns to save us all from stupidity or something. Besides, solving that will be for most men like solving world peace for politicians; what else will they do with their time when they can't create propaganda and push agendas with religion and the likes?

May heaven have mercy on us all. 

Until next time, keep it Foxxy, and all the best in your current, or aspiring situation! 😉
Also read it here!                                                                XOXO   

RELATIONSHIPS FOR INTROVERTS

 I trust you have all been well, I have as well, just a bit lonely and melancholy as I'm sure everyone gets every now and then, which got me thinking, does everyone, especially extroverted people, get into this deep, dark place at some point? I believe they do, it's only natural.......

Right?               

Naturally, ladies are more outspoken than gents on matters relationship, hence their apparent resilience in the face of trials and tribulations in the relationship. So what happens when you're a woman and lack that trusty network that you can vent to?
Introversion is my gift, and it is also my curse.
The strange mix of characters that make me, me, have also ensured that I don't respond too well to nonsense and unnecessary drama which are apparently vital parts of any given relationship.
This has then made me push away or pull away from those I deem to be more trouble that they're worth, due to some being only there to hear of my latest relationship mishaps while never sharing their own in a costructive way or even helping out, and others being around only to use me as a kind of feel-good stepping-stone; everything is fine as long as I'm not doing as well as or better than they are.

So, I dropped them all and now have to wallow through this relationship murk by myself which is the main reason I started this blog and for pretty much everything else I do online. And you know what? It feels good to write down my deepest thoughts and feelings, hoping that they will be read by someone who is maybe going through the same things as I am, and the thought that they might feel a bit better in some strange way is what keeps me going, even on days I really don't want to write or feel I just can't push myself any more.

I write because it makes me happy, and in a sense I am fulfilled when these thoughts and words are out of me, as this is the closest thing I have to a listening and caring ear, the internet (where are our parents to chastise me for befriending the big bad web lol).
Sometimes it's easy, and other times it's not, and sometimes I almost reach for the phone to call a 'friend' for a chat, but then remember that they will just turn around and judge me, or share it with their bigger circle of friends to my detriment and I can't stand that though I wish I could for the sake of the greater good.
As much as it's fun and relieving to share with the internet, it's not the same as sharing with an actual person and getting instant feedback and responses, and support, whether real or perceived, so I suppose I am missing out.

Or not...... because the drama is something else....
Anyway, I would love to hear what my fellow introverts do and how they navigate relationships, if at all there are any out there reading my blog, so we can maybe share tips and all, and be friends (or not, lol).

Do have a lovely rest of your day wherever you are, and welcome back in a few days, when I will hopefully be done with getting an actual website of my own to keep this up, wish me luck.

ily my internet buddies, even if we don't exactly talk :)   
Also read it here!

                                                                       XOXO

STILL GASLIGHTING

Hello dears! I wrote about gaslighting a while ago and this morning I was utterly dismayed to wake up to some more of it.
About three days ago I realized I might be a bit toxic myself, based on occurrences from that night and I really went through it, aiding with this revelation were the suicidal thoughts, the immense stress, and a dawning of a weight so heavy I felt I might crumble underneath it. I broke down, and asked for help, but felt I did not get any.
So this morning when I woke up, tired from a home visit that lasted the whole afternoon, I was getting ready to make an effort in seeking out my episodes of toxicity and drowning them. Went to the living room while he was getting ready to leave, with the kids running around, and after some regular, random conversation, I asked him if he would take some tea. He asked, "Tea?
Is there actually tea?
Did you make it or was there someone to make it?"
Strange line of questions, and strange flow too, especially because the nanny makes tea most mornings. He asked these with a smile that felt strange to me, then said "sure, I'll take some".
I found a used cup on the table and assumed it was the nanny's but thought it strange she would just leave it there as we tend to each take our dirty dishes to the sink. I brought clean ones and set them down, and poured the tea.
He went to the bedroom gathering up his stuff, then asked for socks, so I went and got him a pair, then asked him about the tea getting cold, to which he looked at me surprised, asking "what tea? I had mine the first thing when I woke up".

Honestly, what the eff was this now. I looked at him waiting for this sickening joke to be over but that did not happen.
"I asked you if I should pour you some tea, to which you said yes. Before that I had asked you if you had taken tea, and you did not give me a straight answer which is why I asked again in the first place".
Blank stare back at me with a strange expression, developing in the background. "I did not say any of that......."
"You know what, it's ok, never mind and just forget about all of this", I say as I head back to the living room and start pouring his tea back into the flask.
He finds me doing it and asks, "you actually poured out a cup for me?" Surprised now.
I'm honestly not even angry-yet. Just mildly disappointed and I tell him quietly, "you know this is why I ask you to know the right time for playing and when to be serious. You were probably joking when you said it and I didn't catch it so when you moved on from the joke and forgot about it, I did not". I finish  pouring the tea back.

What is happening?
Am I rationalizing his gaslighting and making it out into logic?
And is it for me or for him?
Why is he doing this to me, is it because I broke down that day and made the mistake of telling him about the turmoil in my mind? Because it definitely feels intentional, like he grabbed the knife end stabbing me and gave it a hard twist.

I hear him say he's leaving, but by now I have started retreating into my mind, and feel like I am floating away from this familiar hell. I go to the bedroom and sit down on the edge of the bed and think. My thoughts start to turn dark so I pick my phone up and scroll randomly, then walk around the room, then go and take my tea, by which time he's gone. I walk around the house some more, tidying up a bit as I go, then decide to go to the shops and get some airtime for my phone, and see my tailor also.
At some point I decide to warm the stew because first baby is crying for food, though I know he doesn't actually want it, but then decide to go out first and get back to that when I return because the nanny is doing some cleaning outside.
I go out, chat with the tailor for a while, then come back to a compound smelling mildly of burnt food, and my mind trips some switch.
I run to the kitchen and confirm that I never turned the cooker off so the stew burnt beyond recognition and I curse myself.
I've been so preoccupied with his brazen attempt at gaslighting me that I have kind of switched off real life for a while.
I'm angry and think a lot of dark thoughts, but calm myself down, then carry on picking random stuff up; the kids are being a good kind of distraction, I think.
So now as I sit here writing this I am still reeling from the cold nature of this person that I had children with.
Is he trying to make my already fragile mind break, or is he trying to drive me to kill myself because he doesn't have the nerve to ask me to leave instead? I'm confused, and thinking of taking action before this gets to greater heights and I lose myself, or worse.
Wish me luck in my navigation, and stay Foxxy as ever dears, Chao!
Also read it here, and don't forget to subscribe!
                                                                     XOXO

WAYS IN WHICH PEOPLE RESPOND TO BEING CHEATED ON

Hello my lovely foxxes, I trust that you have been well and that you're chasing your dreams with lots of vigour, working on your well being and what not :-)

So, early this week I came across a post on Twitter of a scorned woman calling out her 'co-wife' and saying she's left her home to her randy husband and her because she could not stop screwing a man she knew was married. Of course people in the comments had all manner of opinions, from supporting her and consoling her to being shitty insensitive supporters of the guy, or his side chick, or both haha.
I felt her pain because I have been on the receiving end of this nonsense more than once and I knew the range of emotions she must have gone through. She got to putting it up on social media though, and I always stopped just one step short of this as I thought it would work against me in the long run because 1, the internet never forgets, and 2, we don't know what the future has in store for us and life has a funny way sometimes. Plus, keyboard warriors are the worst; they don't know you and they don't really care so your chances of being bullied right off the edge of that cliff you're standing on are very high.
We are all different though, and being a person who never told anyone about it -family, friends, or frienemies- I never understand how someone goes online to air this laundry out....
So it got me thinking of the different ways in which people respond to being cheated on because it occurred to me that there's quite a few, and I wrote this article up, about the different categories of scorned women out there .... Read on, and be sure to let me know in the comments section which of these categories you fall under, if you dare haha  

THE FORGIVING WIFE
I have to say that this is either the most common, or the rarest of the categories, depending on who you listen to. You have to consider the fact that most of those who forgive do not go public with the information in the first place so this survey is grossly off, mainly because they feel shame and feel as if society will judge them for being cheated on (which it does almost always anyway). So rather than be told that the randy animal of a male strayed because she couldn't cook, or couldn't sex him right, or placed career or children before him, they choose to stay mum and just swallow the pain caused to them.
This results in one of two things, either the woman will get so bitter from all the heartache and will loathe all other women she perceives might be in a better situation than her, and will live the most miserable life you could imagine. Alternatively she will try to hold it in, but without regular outlet the pressure builds up slowly over time then like a pressure cooler, boom! A homicide, suicide, or both are the worst case scenarios in this case.
The other type of forgiver is the one that is lucky enough to have a partner that truly regrets his action, and works through some healing process religiously resulting in a better future for both, and a happy marriage in the end. If you have one of these unicorns, pray every day that they will not be corrupted by the millions of mules out there lol.


THE VIOLENT WIFE

This class is glorified in movies, I guess because, well, drama. She will key your car, or spray paint it lewd things. She will trash the house if it's yours or throw you out like a dog if it's hers. She will sue you if she can and will cut off your friend's and family, calling you all a classless nasty lot that everyone should avoid, then she will leave in a huff after causing as much physical damage as she possibly can afford to.
Sometimes she will be violent, ambushing you when you don't really expect it or can't do anything in your defence. Other times she will pretend all is well, but will start to grind glass and mix it in your food, waiting patiently for the day you die an agonizing death then bury you and your nonsense with a perfect poker face. I have to say at this point that I do not endorse any of these actions, at any point or for any reason. Life is sacred and no one has the right to take it away from somebody else.

THE EYE FOR AN EYE WIFE
I have heard that this one is a bad one, mainly because she does to you what you did to her, only more publicly, or with someone that it just kills you to imagine, like your boss, your best friend, your brother, your father....
Because the guy will feel her pain and realize he has absolutely no excuse that can be viable, it hurts all the more especially when he asks the same questions he asked and gets the same responses that he gave; they do say that revenge is a dish best served cold.
Most of the time she does this as a last resort and really doesn't care if you leave her or not, as long as she gave you a taste of your own medicine, then that's fine with her. For the obvious reasons like disease or an awkward pregnancy especially in the event the two stick together, this method seems to me the equivalent of splattering your own clothes with mud because someone came and sat next to you with mud on THEIR clothes. Love is said to be blind, but some of the times its deaf, dumb, and down right crazy as well... I will stop here because I am not too far from this type of madness, as you shall see in the future if you stick around lol.


THE DRAMATIC WIFE
This category is men's favorite one, because there is plenty of huffing and puffing, but no action in the end. She will cry and yell, threaten to kill and threaten to leave, threaten to tear you to pieces with her bare hands and say she will not put up with this shit.
At the end of it all, it will be a lot of words and no action, so the guy often just waits until it blows over, resets and goes back to his side chick next time: rinse and repeat. The more a woman does this, though, the more she demeans herself and sets up the stage for her downfall soon, because everyone knows that a barking dog never bites, her partner will have no reason to change because he can have his cake and eat it too and will get comfortable in his ways.

THE WIFE IN DENIAL
This one will never see the husband as the actual problem, but will always see other women as the issue with her relationship. We all know that men lie, so sometimes they manage to fool some naive girl that they are in love and she buys it at the recommended retail price. She either does not get to know that the randy goat is married, or knows but falls for the classic 'we are going through our divorce and I'm miserable but I love you' crap and while this is not to say it's a valid excuse, it happens. Or the other woman is simply a classic hoe.
Now the wife comes to know about the affair and what does she do? Gets the other woman's number and calls her up with threats and insults, or physically goes to her and slaps her around, or if she's powerful enough she hires a hit man to finish off her competition.

Why does she do this, you wonder, does she not see her guy is the issue? She does, but does not want to accept it, so she resents other women who she feels might be desirable to her man (if he can still be called that), and makes herself his bodyguard, barking at any female entity that dares come near hers.
In my opinion, this just keeps working against her because what she has done is tell her guy 'whatever you do, (whoever you do), I will be there waiting to catch you when you fall'. So he will keep at it until he gets tired, fat chance of that happening though.


So there you go, what do you think about my list? Did I leave any type of scorned woman unmentioned? Be sure to let me know in the comments section if I have, and until next time, keep it foxxy my dears!!
Also read it here!
                                                       XOXO

A ROYAL WEDDING, AND A FALSE ACCUSATION

While Meghan Markle was lucky kissing her prince sometime last year, some of us -myself included- were still struggling with the toads that we chose to be yoked to for eternity. It was a very busy weekend in general terms; and today's post is not advice or anything like that, but a story of sorts that you may or may not learn a lesson from so hear ye, hear ye, my sorrowful tale of being falsely accused....

It has happened so many times that I lost count, but there was a previous incident whereby after filling the kiddy pool with water and trying to get the babies to play in it, we went to the house, and left our resident trouble maker outside. The water had still been running because it was so slow in filling the pool so he said he was going to shut it since we were done and off he went in the direction of the tap.
Quick jump to the evening, when the driveway was filled with water and I was outside doing some light weeding in the kitchen garden when he came up to me and said, 'you know you drained the pool'.
This sounded strange and because I was surprised I asked him, 'what?' To which he repeated his statement, and said that when I pulled the pipe out of the tap with the other end still in the pool, it siphoned the water out hence the wet driveway and almost empty pool.
I stood upright and told him, in the most calm way that I could, that I was not insane, and I had not even gone near the tap since leaving the area with the pool. He was the one who shut the tap and did whatever else he did so why now was he blaming me?
He must not have expected this because he just turned around and walked away, smart if you ask me, and good for both of us as it would save us a tiring exchange, more so on our son's second birthday.
So now on the weekend in question, it seemed to me that he is trying to refresh his gaslighting on me by doing things and then very sanely and calmly blaming me to see if I fall for it. Unfortunately, I have learnt that this is his trick so now my immediate reaction when he accuses me of anything is to deny, deny, deny, as he always does.

This time, my latest gripe, is when he tried blaming me for not giving him complete feedback about an engineer he had requested me to follow up for him, concerning verification of some drawings. As the story went, we were together that whole day, when I called up my contact person who told me that he did not personally know any registered engineers, but that he knew someone who worked in a printing shop who might know one- a broker, if you will. I told him thanks and he forwarded the number to me and I relayed the info back to my deaf-man; in a conversation that went as follows:
Me: So I don't think we'll get any help from there as he said his dad is not registered and he does not personally know a registered engineer, the person who's number he has forwarded to me is just someone who works in a printing shop so he will broker us and will definitely want some payment in return, defeating the purpose of the cheapness we are trying to get.
Him: .... Silence......... Then call him and ask him if he can send us to the person he works for and we will negotiate.
Me: The person he works for is a printer. They do not have any drawing or approving capabilities because they just print. Will you be fine with being sent to someone else through him, then pay both of them?
Him: Just call him and ask him.
Me: Here's his number, I think it would be better if you talked to him as I'm not sure what or how exactly I'm supposed to ask him.
Him: Well if he's not an actual engineer then it's fine I guess he can't help us.

*****************************conversation ends*********************************

So, at some point his phone went off and he needed to talk to some people and meet up so we put his sim card in mine and he had it for the better part of the evening.

Forward to the next day, where he's out and I can't reach him due to network disturbances and I have a long day comprising of cramps and burning my fingers on the ugali sufuria. At some point his mother calls me and after some small talk asks me when I last spoke to him, and I can literally hear the disapproval in her voice when I tell her about three hours ago, to which she says ok, goodnight, talk tomorrow, then we hang up.
This gets me feeling some (bad) type of way because it is not the first time that his parents have said and/or implied that I need to constantly know where he, is, and reach out to him, call him, and talk to him. But just how the shit do you keep tabs on a grown man with his own agenda who most of the times picks up your call with a sigh, because you're just bugging the soul out of him? I need a course on how to do this, and I also think that if his parents could not tame him in all the time they have known him, it's unfair to give me that responsibility; I have never in my life professed to being a miracle worker.

So anyway finally his phone goes through, and my emotions are still smarting from the call and trying to restrain myself from saying something stupid, as I often do when angry. We start off on a bad note but things calm down and there's actually even a light joke thrown somewhere in there at some point.
He calls me when he's at the gate, and says he has the key anyway so don't bother. I say ok but go outside all the same after some minutes so I can close it once he's in, but there are no characteristic lights under the gate to signal his presence. I stand around for a bit then go back in, because the cold is making me miserable.

After a few minutes, I hear the gate open, he gets in, and closes it, and gets into the house, says hi to the kids, and comes to the room, where I am, having just gotten out of the loo.

No hello, so I volunteer one that gets the coldest response you ever heard, and before I can recover, he hits me with 'why did you refuse to follow up with the lead we had for a registered engineer?' I literally wonder out loud, 'what the fk!?' 'I refused to follow up???? did you show interest past the point we left it at? I told you he sent me a number and you had the phone, did you call him??' He walks out of the room and heads into the kitchen.

At this juncture I realize I have just gone fifty shades angrier but I cannot stop myself, and I try, believe me. I follow him there, and tell him to try and not blame me for his mistakes and failures because when I offer to help it does not mean that he needs to step out of the situation and be an observer, with no input. He says it's ok and he will help himself in the future and will never ask for my help, so I can just leave it at that he does not want to listen to me anymore.
This strikes a raw nerve, so I do what every angry woman does; cut open an old wound then pour the salt in. Suddenly it's about his being late a month ago, it's his general irresponsibility, the way he talks to me, etc etc. and just everything else we have ever fought about. He's getting angry and asking what that has to do with anything, could I please just shut the hell up and leave him alone, he just wants some peace etc, but I'm on a roll so I carry on, til I'm all spent, and go back to the bedroom just after he calls his mother asking her what she told me over the phone to get me so upset.
I don't hear the exchange though it's a short conversation. I know she's going to take this opportunity to give me a talk of how to stay well in a 'marriage' as if this sham is one, and as if I'm responsible of the actions for her son. I get madder at the thought but pour some whisky in a plastic cup and drink it bitterly and I guess it calms me down  bit.
I get to work on the laptop doing random things and put up a blog post (not this one, I'm not that fast haha) and end up sleeping at 3 a.m.
Is this how I want to raise our kids really? Did I not learn from my mum and dad that this is the recipe for messed up adults?
Stay foxxy out there.
I wish I had more alcohol.

XOXO

OF GOOD INTENTIONS AND GAS-LIGHTING

If you know about the film from 1944 called gaslight then you know exactly what I will be talking about in this here post.
If not, here's a brief definition: to gaslight someone is to gently manipulate them, and coax them to questioning their own sanity.

It might start innocently enough with some simple lies until it gets to the point when you no longer can tell if you are sure about what you say.
 In the film by that name, a man manipulates his wife until she is not sure if she is sane any more. He does this by dimming the gas lights in their home then turning them back up and when she mentions it to him, he tells her that he has no idea of what she is talking about.

Why would anyone do this, you ask? Power is the reason. When someone is successful at it then they hold power over their unsuspecting victim, and this is simply no way for a relationship to be; it is after all a fair equal union as opposed to a hostile take-over.
As a general rule of thumb, love is no longer healthy when it becomes about control, power, and numbing mind-games; and this is the precedent for countless evils that happen in a relationship and leave outsiders wondering whether you have been bewitched to remain in such a cursed union so this is the point you should exit stage left.
Read on below to find out the signs you should look out for to know if your significant other is gaslighting you,; and keep in mind you will have to be very keen because it happens to the best of us and is a lot easier than you may think to fall into this pit.

They Are Totally Charming To Other People
The thing with a person who is manipulating you is that they need others to always take their side in the event anything happens so they are charming, attentive, polite, considerate, and all those other nice things to you, but only when you are in front of people. Things are of course very different when you are by yourselves, as they will ignore and belittle you, convince you that the things you care about are nonsense, and will not support any dreams that you may have.
If you notice this Jekyll and Hyde phenomenon and feel as if no one else can really see the person you are with, it is time to turn your radar up and watch out for any of these other signs.

They Tell You Outright Lies
You know beyond all doubt that this person is lying to you but they stand their ground, why? They are setting the stage so that you will never be sure if anything they say is true, and as long as you are not on guard, then they will amp up their manipulation in some of these following ways.

They Constantly Deny Things They Had Said
"Honey, when will you fix this door? You said you would get to it later in the week and it's Saturday already". "What? I never said anything like that"....
 Even if you have proof of it, they will borderline swear an oath with the Holy Book that they did not say it, and the more they do it, the less sure you become of anything and the more you rely on them to show you the light, which of course they have no intention of doing.

They Use Things You Care About As Weapons
They know of your dreams and aspirations and what they mean to you, and how dear your sister is to you, so they will say things like "you know you're too lazy/slow/inept to be in that line of work", and "your sister is a bad influence on you, do you think your mom will be happy if you leave me like your sister left her spouse?". And so on and so forth, making you feel lucky to be with them because they know you so damn well and accept you despite your numerous flaws.

The Frog In A Pot Of Boiling Water
Because they do it so gradually, you will not feel the pressure all at once; a few light lies in the start, some nasty comments over time, and before you know it it has reached the climax yet you are still holding on to the illusion of love. Same as with the frog in the pot of boiling water, it starts out with a cool comfortable temperature and as the heat is gradually turned up, it is soon boiling before the frog realizes what is going on.

Their Actions And Words Do Not Match
They will say a lot of things; "you're the best thing that has happened to me", "I will change", "I love you", etc, but none of these words mean a thing; they are all just empty talk worth nothing and their actions always bring you down.

They Seem To Be Positive For You, Sometimes
Every now and then they will give you some morale boost and words of encouragement like "Seems like you're finally getting the hang of keeping the house clean and tidy". While this seems like a compliment, it is just another tool on their belt because they live in the same house, right? So the house being clean serves them as well.
What this random positivity does is to keep you unsure of things because it seems like they are actually good people with your interests at heart but rest assured they are not. Remember the Devil was an angel of light once.

They Weaken You With Confusion
Stability makes people comfortable while confusion weakens them and this is their goal, to keep you weak and dependent on them because you will always turn to them when you need some stability in  your life.

They Turn People Against You
In a bid to isolate you so that you are easier to control and also find people who will stand by them, they will tell you false statements implying that other people know you are no good or you are weak so that you turn to them for support and invariably fall deeper into their traps.

They Are Dismissive Of You
They tell you that you're crazy and also joke about it to others so that it becomes easier to keep you in a position where you believe that, and others will also find it hard to believe that the gaslighter is manipulative and abusive; the things you do and say mean very little to them once you are in their control.

They Project Their Behaviors On You
If they are cheats, they accuse you of cheating; if they are drunks, they accuse you of alcoholism and because they are manipulators, they accuse you of manipulating their feelings to get your ends. Once you react to this and attempt to defend yourself, you feed in to their plan and are distracted from what they are doing even more.

These are the main things to look out for when you suspect that you are being gaslighted, and you should expect a lot of opposition if you attempt to let them know that you are on to them. Because love tends to throw everything into a shade of roses at least at first, you should take care to keep safe from the clutches of a narcissist whose qualities I will tell you all about next time. Til then, stay foxxy!!

Also read here!

                                                      XOXO