STILL GASLIGHTING

Hello dears! I wrote about gaslighting a while ago and this morning I was utterly dismayed to wake up to some more of it.
About three days ago I realized I might be a bit toxic myself, based on occurrences from that night and I really went through it, aiding with this revelation were the suicidal thoughts, the immense stress, and a dawning of a weight so heavy I felt I might crumble underneath it. I broke down, and asked for help, but felt I did not get any.
So this morning when I woke up, tired from a home visit that lasted the whole afternoon, I was getting ready to make an effort in seeking out my episodes of toxicity and drowning them. Went to the living room while he was getting ready to leave, with the kids running around, and after some regular, random conversation, I asked him if he would take some tea. He asked, "Tea?
Is there actually tea?
Did you make it or was there someone to make it?"
Strange line of questions, and strange flow too, especially because the nanny makes tea most mornings. He asked these with a smile that felt strange to me, then said "sure, I'll take some".
I found a used cup on the table and assumed it was the nanny's but thought it strange she would just leave it there as we tend to each take our dirty dishes to the sink. I brought clean ones and set them down, and poured the tea.
He went to the bedroom gathering up his stuff, then asked for socks, so I went and got him a pair, then asked him about the tea getting cold, to which he looked at me surprised, asking "what tea? I had mine the first thing when I woke up".

Honestly, what the eff was this now. I looked at him waiting for this sickening joke to be over but that did not happen.
"I asked you if I should pour you some tea, to which you said yes. Before that I had asked you if you had taken tea, and you did not give me a straight answer which is why I asked again in the first place".
Blank stare back at me with a strange expression, developing in the background. "I did not say any of that......."
"You know what, it's ok, never mind and just forget about all of this", I say as I head back to the living room and start pouring his tea back into the flask.
He finds me doing it and asks, "you actually poured out a cup for me?" Surprised now.
I'm honestly not even angry-yet. Just mildly disappointed and I tell him quietly, "you know this is why I ask you to know the right time for playing and when to be serious. You were probably joking when you said it and I didn't catch it so when you moved on from the joke and forgot about it, I did not". I finish  pouring the tea back.

What is happening?
Am I rationalizing his gaslighting and making it out into logic?
And is it for me or for him?
Why is he doing this to me, is it because I broke down that day and made the mistake of telling him about the turmoil in my mind? Because it definitely feels intentional, like he grabbed the knife end stabbing me and gave it a hard twist.

I hear him say he's leaving, but by now I have started retreating into my mind, and feel like I am floating away from this familiar hell. I go to the bedroom and sit down on the edge of the bed and think. My thoughts start to turn dark so I pick my phone up and scroll randomly, then walk around the room, then go and take my tea, by which time he's gone. I walk around the house some more, tidying up a bit as I go, then decide to go to the shops and get some airtime for my phone, and see my tailor also.
At some point I decide to warm the stew because first baby is crying for food, though I know he doesn't actually want it, but then decide to go out first and get back to that when I return because the nanny is doing some cleaning outside.
I go out, chat with the tailor for a while, then come back to a compound smelling mildly of burnt food, and my mind trips some switch.
I run to the kitchen and confirm that I never turned the cooker off so the stew burnt beyond recognition and I curse myself.
I've been so preoccupied with his brazen attempt at gaslighting me that I have kind of switched off real life for a while.
I'm angry and think a lot of dark thoughts, but calm myself down, then carry on picking random stuff up; the kids are being a good kind of distraction, I think.
So now as I sit here writing this I am still reeling from the cold nature of this person that I had children with.
Is he trying to make my already fragile mind break, or is he trying to drive me to kill myself because he doesn't have the nerve to ask me to leave instead? I'm confused, and thinking of taking action before this gets to greater heights and I lose myself, or worse.
Wish me luck in my navigation, and stay Foxxy as ever dears, Chao!
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DEATHLY HALLOWS; OF RELATIONSHIPS THAT END IN DISEASE, ASSAULT, OR DEATH

Hello mamis!! I hope you're all doing well, I missed you (from the bottom of my heart I promise) so welcome back, and pick your assigned seats......
Last week was wild; from the story of the gospel artists who had some convoluted threesome and infected the lady with herpes (the Greek God of STD's as somebody I know calls it lol), and the tale of the randy pastor who tried to get some former students into bed, to the sad event of the woman who got murdered by her husband and his lover (they say it's a bit complicated so I will leave it at that).
I honestly don't even know where to start, or how much to give to each individual unit, so here goes the mixture of all the mentioned and probably some more, in as good an order as my kinda tipsy mind will allow (do not judge me, I wrote this on a Friday)...

So, PART 1: THE GOSPEL ARTISTS
This one is headed in red with good reason: church people, preacher's kids, and generally gospel
personalities in the limelight have for the longest time been prone to drama, and very unlikely scandals, from theft and abuse, to promiscuity and even murder, they have it all. makes you wonder about those hidden from public view......
So anyway a lady sent a series of messages to a famous blogger in the 254, telling him she had some juice on gospel artists who are not at all what they claim to be. By the time I got to the end of her story though, I had already taken plenty pinches of salt because in summary it went something like this: Guy X calls lady, who featured in some video or other, and tells her he wants to meet up, and she agrees. This is after they have chatted for a while and have become familiar with each other, in the millenial way at least, so they are flirty and have actually agreed to meet up to sample the forbidden fruit. On arrival at the meeting point, X is with friend Y and after lady boards the car it is decided to  go to Y's house instead of paying for a lodging as earlier agreed. Lady agrees, and they go to the house, then start to make out after some drinkd consumption (I'm not sure whether it was alcohol or soft drinks). As the momentum builds up, lady says she is uncomfortable of doing the deed in front of Y, as at this point they are all in the living room, and X graciously agrees, so they move to the bedroom. Once there, and smack in the middle of things, the door opens and Y walks in, naked and ready for action, and he wastes no time starting to fondle lady and etc haha.... Lady objects to this, as it was not part of the arrangement, so it ends at this point, she dresses up, and leaves.
On a future date, Y sends a text message to lady, asking her to kindly forgive him for his misdeeds, and she (kinda) agrees, so from this they begin to talk. One thing leads to another and soon enough they meet up and do the deed, this time X is not in the equation and as it goes, they raw dog it because, well, natural selection and all....
Some time passes after this encounter, and trouble begins, when lady develops some painful boils and sores around her treasure trove, and one hospital visit leads to another, and soon enough the expenses are too much to keep up with even with her sister and mother helping her out. By the time she's diagnosed with herpes, it is situation critical and so she texts Y and lets him know of her mishaps. He delivers true to forms, and ignores her, refusing to send any money and telling her to go right ahead when she threatens to go public with their rendezvous, which she does, even getting an interview on TV to tell of her woes.

Here are some questions for that section:
1) She was at least 19 years old by that time, legally an adult, and she knew full well what they were going to do (hell they did it severally), so why is fida claiming they need to assist, and throwing around rape allegations, yet lady never said they forced her at any point? The only criminal thing in this case would be if Y knew that he was infected, and went on to infect her intentionally refusing to use any protection.
2) What end result did she expect exactly, jumping from one guy to another, neither of which she knew, and even being bold enough to not used protection? I honestly want to know what her endgame was.
3) On going public with this story, what has she done to her dating prospects for the future? She is after all carrying a disease, after sleeping with two guys she was not in a relationship with and whose circumstances are generally suspect.... I am not being a judge here, but honestly if you have at least three brain cells co-operating you know that safe sex is the best sex.
I write all these at risk of being labelled a woman-hater and such, because there are always such individuals out there, but I would appreciate it if I got responses to my three questions above, as I am indeed very curious.

PART 2: PASTOR TESTOSTERONE 

Three ladies told of the story of a pastor who used to go to their school to minister with them, before they cleared school last year, and whom they randomly met at some mall in the city. They were naturally happy to see him, so they talked and hang out a bit then went home, only to get a call at around midnight from the guy. He told them something about needing a place for the night so they directed him to their place (shared I presume), where they somehow civilly passed the night. The next morning, he came up with a grand idea to go on a road trip out of they city and they all agreed, not telling their parents since they were to get back that same day after all.
Needless to say, this did not happen, and at some point they went to a club and the pastor did not drink, but he offered to buy them alcohol which they refused (thankfully). All this time they were with a friend of the pastor who took alcohol, and by the time they were done, it was night, and they had no fare, and could not call their parents to ask because this would land them in trouble, and since the pastor offered to pay for a shared room with two beds, they agreed to stay, only to be told once they got there that "two circumcised men cannot share a bed". Two in the pastors bed and one with the other guy, it was a long night, during which the pastor kept trying to grope them, so the ride back home the following day was extremely uncomfortable needless to say.
When they got back in home territory, trouble was not over yet because he invited the two remaining girls to a fellowship at the church, as one of them left the second she could, wise if you ask me... Soon after their arrival at the bustling meeting, everybody left and it was once again just the pastor and his two scared victims, whom he tried in vain to convince to go back with him for one last night but they refused.
Here, I will not ask questions but rather just state a fact: Gospel music and Christianity as a whole is a sham in Kenya, where the scoundrels all go to hide, so that they can escape judgement from their fellow man but seem to not give a hoot about the one they claim to serve.

PART 3: WIFE, MISTRESS, NEW LOVER, POSSIBLE OTHER LOVER ETC 
This is the saddest part, because it left one woman dead, and a few children in broken families missing one, or in one case both parents...
The body of a woman was retrieved from a dam last week, leading almost immediately to the discovery of her car which was also missing for a day. Her husband had reported her missing the previous day, an due tho fast development of the case was arrested when he went to the dam where the body was found, claiming he had seen a post online saying a woman's body had been found, and he was looking as he was still trying to find his wife. His lover was arrested soon after to aid in investigations and the next day, the story thickened when his very first wife came forward to tell her story, of how he left her and their daughter after some years together, to go and be with the lady who had been murdered. It was a sad case of karma, and it was even stranger still when yet another lady emerged, or rather was dug up from social sites, having taken various pictures together with the guy.
Four women in total, and three children whose lives will be changed forever. We always hear of red flags and all that and sometimes it ends in this worst case scenario of murder, because the guy most likely wanted to leave this second woman, for either the third one or the fourth one, and carry on like that until the end of time. So why do some men feel the need to jump continuously from one woman to another for the rest of time, and actually lead each woman to believe that she is the only one and the final one, makes me wonder is it lust or deceit that makes these relationships fun for the guy?

All in all, it was a hectic week all around and I am glad it's over, on to new challenges and all that, think of ways to further my life and whatnot. Stay safe my friends, and stay disease-free as well but above all, stay smart and until next time, keep it foxxy!!
Also read it here!

                                                                     XOXO

WAYS IN WHICH PEOPLE RESPOND TO BEING CHEATED ON

Hello my lovely foxxes, I trust that you have been well and that you're chasing your dreams with lots of vigour, working on your well being and what not :-)

So, early this week I came across a post on Twitter of a scorned woman calling out her 'co-wife' and saying she's left her home to her randy husband and her because she could not stop screwing a man she knew was married. Of course people in the comments had all manner of opinions, from supporting her and consoling her to being shitty insensitive supporters of the guy, or his side chick, or both haha.
I felt her pain because I have been on the receiving end of this nonsense more than once and I knew the range of emotions she must have gone through. She got to putting it up on social media though, and I always stopped just one step short of this as I thought it would work against me in the long run because 1, the internet never forgets, and 2, we don't know what the future has in store for us and life has a funny way sometimes. Plus, keyboard warriors are the worst; they don't know you and they don't really care so your chances of being bullied right off the edge of that cliff you're standing on are very high.
We are all different though, and being a person who never told anyone about it -family, friends, or frienemies- I never understand how someone goes online to air this laundry out....
So it got me thinking of the different ways in which people respond to being cheated on because it occurred to me that there's quite a few, and I wrote this article up, about the different categories of scorned women out there .... Read on, and be sure to let me know in the comments section which of these categories you fall under, if you dare haha  

THE FORGIVING WIFE
I have to say that this is either the most common, or the rarest of the categories, depending on who you listen to. You have to consider the fact that most of those who forgive do not go public with the information in the first place so this survey is grossly off, mainly because they feel shame and feel as if society will judge them for being cheated on (which it does almost always anyway). So rather than be told that the randy animal of a male strayed because she couldn't cook, or couldn't sex him right, or placed career or children before him, they choose to stay mum and just swallow the pain caused to them.
This results in one of two things, either the woman will get so bitter from all the heartache and will loathe all other women she perceives might be in a better situation than her, and will live the most miserable life you could imagine. Alternatively she will try to hold it in, but without regular outlet the pressure builds up slowly over time then like a pressure cooler, boom! A homicide, suicide, or both are the worst case scenarios in this case.
The other type of forgiver is the one that is lucky enough to have a partner that truly regrets his action, and works through some healing process religiously resulting in a better future for both, and a happy marriage in the end. If you have one of these unicorns, pray every day that they will not be corrupted by the millions of mules out there lol.


THE VIOLENT WIFE

This class is glorified in movies, I guess because, well, drama. She will key your car, or spray paint it lewd things. She will trash the house if it's yours or throw you out like a dog if it's hers. She will sue you if she can and will cut off your friend's and family, calling you all a classless nasty lot that everyone should avoid, then she will leave in a huff after causing as much physical damage as she possibly can afford to.
Sometimes she will be violent, ambushing you when you don't really expect it or can't do anything in your defence. Other times she will pretend all is well, but will start to grind glass and mix it in your food, waiting patiently for the day you die an agonizing death then bury you and your nonsense with a perfect poker face. I have to say at this point that I do not endorse any of these actions, at any point or for any reason. Life is sacred and no one has the right to take it away from somebody else.

THE EYE FOR AN EYE WIFE
I have heard that this one is a bad one, mainly because she does to you what you did to her, only more publicly, or with someone that it just kills you to imagine, like your boss, your best friend, your brother, your father....
Because the guy will feel her pain and realize he has absolutely no excuse that can be viable, it hurts all the more especially when he asks the same questions he asked and gets the same responses that he gave; they do say that revenge is a dish best served cold.
Most of the time she does this as a last resort and really doesn't care if you leave her or not, as long as she gave you a taste of your own medicine, then that's fine with her. For the obvious reasons like disease or an awkward pregnancy especially in the event the two stick together, this method seems to me the equivalent of splattering your own clothes with mud because someone came and sat next to you with mud on THEIR clothes. Love is said to be blind, but some of the times its deaf, dumb, and down right crazy as well... I will stop here because I am not too far from this type of madness, as you shall see in the future if you stick around lol.


THE DRAMATIC WIFE
This category is men's favorite one, because there is plenty of huffing and puffing, but no action in the end. She will cry and yell, threaten to kill and threaten to leave, threaten to tear you to pieces with her bare hands and say she will not put up with this shit.
At the end of it all, it will be a lot of words and no action, so the guy often just waits until it blows over, resets and goes back to his side chick next time: rinse and repeat. The more a woman does this, though, the more she demeans herself and sets up the stage for her downfall soon, because everyone knows that a barking dog never bites, her partner will have no reason to change because he can have his cake and eat it too and will get comfortable in his ways.

THE WIFE IN DENIAL
This one will never see the husband as the actual problem, but will always see other women as the issue with her relationship. We all know that men lie, so sometimes they manage to fool some naive girl that they are in love and she buys it at the recommended retail price. She either does not get to know that the randy goat is married, or knows but falls for the classic 'we are going through our divorce and I'm miserable but I love you' crap and while this is not to say it's a valid excuse, it happens. Or the other woman is simply a classic hoe.
Now the wife comes to know about the affair and what does she do? Gets the other woman's number and calls her up with threats and insults, or physically goes to her and slaps her around, or if she's powerful enough she hires a hit man to finish off her competition.

Why does she do this, you wonder, does she not see her guy is the issue? She does, but does not want to accept it, so she resents other women who she feels might be desirable to her man (if he can still be called that), and makes herself his bodyguard, barking at any female entity that dares come near hers.
In my opinion, this just keeps working against her because what she has done is tell her guy 'whatever you do, (whoever you do), I will be there waiting to catch you when you fall'. So he will keep at it until he gets tired, fat chance of that happening though.


So there you go, what do you think about my list? Did I leave any type of scorned woman unmentioned? Be sure to let me know in the comments section if I have, and until next time, keep it foxxy my dears!!
Also read it here!
                                                       XOXO

A ROYAL WEDDING, AND A FALSE ACCUSATION

While Meghan Markle was lucky kissing her prince sometime last year, some of us -myself included- were still struggling with the toads that we chose to be yoked to for eternity. It was a very busy weekend in general terms; and today's post is not advice or anything like that, but a story of sorts that you may or may not learn a lesson from so hear ye, hear ye, my sorrowful tale of being falsely accused....

It has happened so many times that I lost count, but there was a previous incident whereby after filling the kiddy pool with water and trying to get the babies to play in it, we went to the house, and left our resident trouble maker outside. The water had still been running because it was so slow in filling the pool so he said he was going to shut it since we were done and off he went in the direction of the tap.
Quick jump to the evening, when the driveway was filled with water and I was outside doing some light weeding in the kitchen garden when he came up to me and said, 'you know you drained the pool'.
This sounded strange and because I was surprised I asked him, 'what?' To which he repeated his statement, and said that when I pulled the pipe out of the tap with the other end still in the pool, it siphoned the water out hence the wet driveway and almost empty pool.
I stood upright and told him, in the most calm way that I could, that I was not insane, and I had not even gone near the tap since leaving the area with the pool. He was the one who shut the tap and did whatever else he did so why now was he blaming me?
He must not have expected this because he just turned around and walked away, smart if you ask me, and good for both of us as it would save us a tiring exchange, more so on our son's second birthday.
So now on the weekend in question, it seemed to me that he is trying to refresh his gaslighting on me by doing things and then very sanely and calmly blaming me to see if I fall for it. Unfortunately, I have learnt that this is his trick so now my immediate reaction when he accuses me of anything is to deny, deny, deny, as he always does.

This time, my latest gripe, is when he tried blaming me for not giving him complete feedback about an engineer he had requested me to follow up for him, concerning verification of some drawings. As the story went, we were together that whole day, when I called up my contact person who told me that he did not personally know any registered engineers, but that he knew someone who worked in a printing shop who might know one- a broker, if you will. I told him thanks and he forwarded the number to me and I relayed the info back to my deaf-man; in a conversation that went as follows:
Me: So I don't think we'll get any help from there as he said his dad is not registered and he does not personally know a registered engineer, the person who's number he has forwarded to me is just someone who works in a printing shop so he will broker us and will definitely want some payment in return, defeating the purpose of the cheapness we are trying to get.
Him: .... Silence......... Then call him and ask him if he can send us to the person he works for and we will negotiate.
Me: The person he works for is a printer. They do not have any drawing or approving capabilities because they just print. Will you be fine with being sent to someone else through him, then pay both of them?
Him: Just call him and ask him.
Me: Here's his number, I think it would be better if you talked to him as I'm not sure what or how exactly I'm supposed to ask him.
Him: Well if he's not an actual engineer then it's fine I guess he can't help us.

*****************************conversation ends*********************************

So, at some point his phone went off and he needed to talk to some people and meet up so we put his sim card in mine and he had it for the better part of the evening.

Forward to the next day, where he's out and I can't reach him due to network disturbances and I have a long day comprising of cramps and burning my fingers on the ugali sufuria. At some point his mother calls me and after some small talk asks me when I last spoke to him, and I can literally hear the disapproval in her voice when I tell her about three hours ago, to which she says ok, goodnight, talk tomorrow, then we hang up.
This gets me feeling some (bad) type of way because it is not the first time that his parents have said and/or implied that I need to constantly know where he, is, and reach out to him, call him, and talk to him. But just how the shit do you keep tabs on a grown man with his own agenda who most of the times picks up your call with a sigh, because you're just bugging the soul out of him? I need a course on how to do this, and I also think that if his parents could not tame him in all the time they have known him, it's unfair to give me that responsibility; I have never in my life professed to being a miracle worker.

So anyway finally his phone goes through, and my emotions are still smarting from the call and trying to restrain myself from saying something stupid, as I often do when angry. We start off on a bad note but things calm down and there's actually even a light joke thrown somewhere in there at some point.
He calls me when he's at the gate, and says he has the key anyway so don't bother. I say ok but go outside all the same after some minutes so I can close it once he's in, but there are no characteristic lights under the gate to signal his presence. I stand around for a bit then go back in, because the cold is making me miserable.

After a few minutes, I hear the gate open, he gets in, and closes it, and gets into the house, says hi to the kids, and comes to the room, where I am, having just gotten out of the loo.

No hello, so I volunteer one that gets the coldest response you ever heard, and before I can recover, he hits me with 'why did you refuse to follow up with the lead we had for a registered engineer?' I literally wonder out loud, 'what the fk!?' 'I refused to follow up???? did you show interest past the point we left it at? I told you he sent me a number and you had the phone, did you call him??' He walks out of the room and heads into the kitchen.

At this juncture I realize I have just gone fifty shades angrier but I cannot stop myself, and I try, believe me. I follow him there, and tell him to try and not blame me for his mistakes and failures because when I offer to help it does not mean that he needs to step out of the situation and be an observer, with no input. He says it's ok and he will help himself in the future and will never ask for my help, so I can just leave it at that he does not want to listen to me anymore.
This strikes a raw nerve, so I do what every angry woman does; cut open an old wound then pour the salt in. Suddenly it's about his being late a month ago, it's his general irresponsibility, the way he talks to me, etc etc. and just everything else we have ever fought about. He's getting angry and asking what that has to do with anything, could I please just shut the hell up and leave him alone, he just wants some peace etc, but I'm on a roll so I carry on, til I'm all spent, and go back to the bedroom just after he calls his mother asking her what she told me over the phone to get me so upset.
I don't hear the exchange though it's a short conversation. I know she's going to take this opportunity to give me a talk of how to stay well in a 'marriage' as if this sham is one, and as if I'm responsible of the actions for her son. I get madder at the thought but pour some whisky in a plastic cup and drink it bitterly and I guess it calms me down  bit.
I get to work on the laptop doing random things and put up a blog post (not this one, I'm not that fast haha) and end up sleeping at 3 a.m.
Is this how I want to raise our kids really? Did I not learn from my mum and dad that this is the recipe for messed up adults?
Stay foxxy out there.
I wish I had more alcohol.

XOXO

WARNING SIGNS OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP YOU SHOULD NOT IGNORE Part 2

Hello foxxy mamas and here is the continuation to yesterday's post, because you already know what we talked about here, let's get right into it....

Entitlement
The toxic person will feel entitled to do and have whatever he wants regardless of your feelings or the moral implications. They have an absolute right to do whatever they want and if you disobey or violate them then they will feel they also have the right to punish you however they deem fit.
You, on the other hand,, have no right to put up a fight, or even to leave them because of their mistreatment. You are to stay put in order to avoid even more punishment.

The Waitress Test
The general rule this term implies is that the way your love interest treats waitresses and other random and neutral people of the opposite sex is the way they will start to treat you in six months once the honeymoon phase is over. This period will have served its purpose to his usefulness of you to him and he is now on his way to conquer others so you fall by the wayside.
Because the good nature a psychopath shows is only a facade, it will disappear as soon as your perceived utility is done.

Jekyll & Hyde, Night & Day

The toxic individual is basically a Jekyll and Hyde who uses his good side to attract victims while the bad ugly side is his true self, and which becomes more dominant over time and to those in intimate contact with him. As such some people will say he is an angel while others say he is a demon.
Listen to your intuition if you suspect anything, and see how your partner reacts when you express different needs and opinions and exercise your individuality, bearing in mind that a psychopath will eventually let his true colors out over extended intimate contact.

Walking on Eggshells
When dealing with a toxic person, you find yourself taking extra care on what you do and say, how you dress and relate to other people, and just about everything else you do because you don't know what will trigger their hostility and detachment to you, or some other of their 'punishments' to you.

They Gaslight You
When your partner lies to you to the point that you start doubting your reality then discourages and belittles you until you lose your self-confidence, they are toxic and their next move is to mistreat you until you lash out in the most crazy fashion possible. Remember all the gas-lighting we talked about here.
The toxic individual will put you in a combat situation and your reaction will be used to judge you, harshly, as no one else around you can see the war going on, save for the individuals they may be cheating on you with and such so save your sanity and yourself in this situation; get out.

Your Feelings Do Not Matter
The narcissistic psychopath will only flatter you so they can use and abuse you in the long term because their selfishness is absolute. They are so self-worshipping that others' feelings are completely worthless to them and their capacity for evil comes from their inability to respect others as fellow human beings with independent needs; they only exist to serve their purpose in the designated spots they have for them in their lives.
This person will be really hostile when faced with criticism and reacts with anger whenever their behavior is questioned or disapproved.

Your Friends And Family Do Not Like Them
This is because they are outside, and have an objective view of the situation. In the beginning they might like your partner but as they observe the progression they will grow cold and try to tell you, to which your partner will respond as a disapproval of you and not them by your friends and family.
As they alienate you and make you a version of yourself they cannot recognize, your partner will use this to pit you against them and make them seem like the villains, which will make your alienation almost your own intention.


Past Behavior
A person's past is a great and almost always accurate indicator of their future behavior although sometimes, people change when they put in genuine and consistent effort. A toxic person however will never change as his true nature is damaging and so generally if they have cheated on and/or abused their partners in the past, what you are about to be is no exception so take care.
They will have a 'don't take anything from nobody' attitude and their consistent bad behaviors are down to their lack of character and not their partners, as they would have you believe.

Never Good Enough
In a toxic relationship, nothing you do is ever good enough for your partner; there will always be a new hoop to ump through while the bar keeps getting set higher and higher each time. Once the honeymoon phase is over, you don't support him enough, you don't express yourself well enough, you don't dress well enough, and so on and so forth so eventually they begin letting you know both in words and actions that you are very lucky to be with them as nobody else would want you.

Control Issues

The toxic partner wants you to focus everything you have on them and insist on accompanying you to individual activities so you are constantly in their sight. They may shower you with gifts and money but this is not out of genuine appreciation for you; more in order to discourage you from having to go outside and work out of the house.
The aim of this is in order to keep you from taking part in activities or fun that they are not in complete control of. This goes as far as breakups are involved, and the toxic partner will drop you without a second thought when it is on their terms but when the other party initiates the breakup, they beg and plead and as a last resort use violence to keep you fro leaving, and if you stay their behaviors towards you only get worse.

Quick Attachments
Due to their shallow emotions, toxic partners are really quick to commit to you typically in a few short weeks starting to say they love you and even propose to move in together or get married. They shower you with gifts, promises, and flattery, and convince you that you are 'the one'. This red flag is true because normal people need time to develop a real relationship because there is a lot at stake, but not toxic individuals, who are only trying to get you into their lives so they can go ahead with their main agenda.
As they say 'easy come, easy go', this type of person will be really fast in latching on to you but also be really fast in detaching from you to pursue the next interest.

This is all I have read up on toxic relationships, and I have become an expert at it partly due to being in one for the longest time. So why do I stay in this hell of a relationship myself? Join me next time as I examine the reasons why I do this, and why countless other people probably also do. Till then, stay foxxxy!

Also read it over here!
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WARNING SIGNS OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP YOU SHOULD NOT IGNORE Part 1

A pencil and sharpening

As illustrated by this image of a sharpened coloured pencil on the right, a dangerous relationship will act as a sharpener, not in the lovely way in that it leaves you 'sharper and more focussed' but in that it will frustrate you and leave you spent and hopeless.

Your intuition is there for a reason and as such you should listen to it when it whispers to you, "get the hell out now" and save yourself a potential heartbreak episode.

So today I have outlined a few red flags that you should absolutely not ignore regarding a dangerous relationship; signs that will shine through even the rosiest coloured glasses of a new found romance or dating stage. Because there's so much to write on this topic, I will split the post up in two and will upload the second half of it in my next post.

The Scary Temper
When they resort to indirect violence when angry by throwing things, breaking objects, and punching solid walls, know that this is a display of what they can do to you, and they want you to know it, and you will experience it sooner or later unless you never, ever make them angry and is that really possible?
This intimidation technique also serves to habituate the partner to acts of violence so they can grow comfortable and think that this is normal behavior in any relationship.

Hurting You on Purpose
They might criticize you, twist your arm, pull your hair, destroy your stuff, and eventually get to escalated levels of abuse, so you should get out the moment you see any of these signs because it only gets worse from there and before you know it you are being physically abused or worse yet, getting killed.

Animal Hater
This sounds like a non-issue but hear me out: animals often go along to get along with us and unless we hurt them, they are ok with us so if your partner kicks cats in the house and throws rocks at random dogs, watch out because this juvenile behavior is a sign of deep-seated mental issues and rest assured you will see how bad it can get when you cross them and get on the receiving end.

The Literal Baby

This one wants you to take care of his undeveloped and malformed self as he won't do it himself, and his mother also did not or could not do it. Be wary of this one though because he will draw in the care-giving type of woman, most women actually, and then he will have so much need that it consumes you trying to take care of him.
No grown adult should expect someone else to be responsible for his habits, emotions, misbehaviors, etc so get out before you get drained.

Overly Controlling
They want to have the final say on everything from when you can visit your friends and family, which of them you can see and all to what outfit you leave the house in. To this effect they may use indirect hints and statements like 'that dress really brings your tummy out' or be more direct but whichever the case, you will rarely get approval for your compliance and even if it does come it is a half-hearted 'that's better', no more.

The Killer of Confidence
Although toxic people like short flings because of the promise of variety and new thrills and having large numbers of people around them, they sometimes get into long-term commitments on a target they might deem a challenge. As it is sometimes difficult to control a strong and sober mind, they trade in their extreme flattery for terrible critisism.
They will correct every slight mistake you make so you feel unintelligent, below average and constantly on the defensive. Once your esteem starts to drop and you feel as though you are always doing something wrong, they will treat you badly in a way to imply you deserve it and this erosion of your confidence will turn you into a shadow of yourself befor long.
This brings to mind the conversion of a pretty, eductaed, and much-loved news anchor some years ago by some kind of foreign 'pastor'. Her case was so extreme that she denounced her parents, and continued living with this man even after reports of the death of her son in mysterious circumstances surfaced.

Cycles of Bitter and Sweet
A psycho is incapable of keeping long relationships if he is constantly his true mean, ugly-natured self so he punctuates his evil with occasional good, sweet deeds. This keeps the partner hoping to receive this reward again, and trying to find the super secret to enable them get this good treatment again and again, and although it will keep recurring, it is only meant to keep you hooked but is not a representation of the true intentions of the psycho.

The Blame Game Expert
Your partner never takes responsibility for their misdeeds, and when he doesn't deny his mistakes, he turns it around and finds a way to blame you for it. He hit you? Only because you provoked him. He cheated on you? You are imagining things and reading things into something that does not exist.
No dirt can stick on this one and if for a moment you expect him to take responsibility for his actions then you are in for a shock. He never, ever does.

Public Displays of  Embarrassment

Because he cannot build a physical prison around you, he will build a psychological one by putting you down in public by reducing your sociability and eliminating all positive human contact from your life. He will lash out, call you names, and say rude and embarrassing things to you in public, like a time we were at a party and my resident psycho decided to drag me around the room full of revelers to which I responded by laughing in order to avoid causing a scene at all costs. Another time he twisted my arm while we were walking in the street and as I did not know then what I know now, I accepted his explanation that it was a joke.
If you stay long enough in this relationship you will find yourself smiling and being polite to him in public, if anything to allay the 'punishment' that by now you have no doubt he will deliver and he will have successfully converted strong and proud you into his doormat.

So today I break here, join me tomorrow for the rest of the post; and until then, avoid psychos and stay foxxy!!

Also read here!
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HOW TO KNOW IF YOU ARE WITH A NARCISSIST

Hazard, not the footballer though...

The biohazard warning is very necessary in this case, because I am about to tell you about an extremely toxic character that you may encounter in a relationship and I do hope this warning will not go ignored.

Emotional manipulation is what a narcissist does, and it is extremely draining to the recipient who becomes disoriented in life and most of the time loses faith in love and in humanity if they finally get out of this situation.

Following below are the signs that you should look out for to be sure that you do not end up with a narcissist; and keep in mind that someone may tick one or two, but the more signs that they have then the more likely and the worse of a narcissist they are, so all the best in dealing with them...

They Isolate You From Family And Friends
If whenever you want to visit or call a friend or family to catch up and maybe find out how they are doing it becomes reason for a fight or a sulk, then watch out. The narcissist will not want you to be happy in your comfortable circle of friends but will want you to only rely on them alone, make them your world so to speak.
They know that your family and friends have the special sight that is afforded by being objective and so will spot things that you will not, early warning signs per se. So if it is always an issue when you need some time with your people then pay close attention before you get drawn in into the unrelenting misery of being with a narcissist.

They Give You The Silent Treatment
You have barely any idea that you have done something wrong, or you know that you have, but did not know it was this bad, yet he will keep himself busy on his phone/laptop/tv whatever and act as if you don't exist. You ask questions and get no response and eventually you get tired of this crap and just apologize so it can end. The narcissist will keep doing this until it becomes a habit for you to apologize when he goes silent, even when he is the one on the wrong and your 'crime' is pointing this out...

They Are Always The Victim
The narcissist will always find a way to get into the victim mode; they cheat, and it's because you were ignoring them or they were frustrated or their mother looked at them wrong when they were a toddler. 
Anything works,and they never get tired of it, a working example is how I saw an incriminating text on my boyfriend's phone the other day, and his response when he realized I was not taking silence was that I always look for trouble and as I wanted to know who he was talking to, he refused to say because 'regardless of what he said or didn't say I would be mad'.
He implied there was a reasonable and acceptable explanation for this but he wasn't giving it to me because I wanted to get mad and so I would do so no matter what he told me, and he stuck to that despite it not earning him the sympathy he wanted from me.
The narcissist will always try to find a way to make you think their bad behavior is a result of third parties, most often you, so be wary of this.

They Project Their Shortcomings Onto You
I have a lot of working examples on this narcissist behavior so here is one from as recently as yesterday; a conversation we had after meeting with a client:
I asked him "so how did the meeting go?" because I had been outside while they talked.
Sulking, he responded "he is complicated, and I had told you to put a flat roof on that drawing"

I was extremely taken aback because I remembered him expressly saying the client had decided on the pitched roof, and despite my having provided a version with the flat roof, he told me to make it pitched so I told him it would take me at least a day to complete and he said he would revert to the client. At the final moment before the work was printed, I asked him to look at it, and he suggested that I change the orientation of the roof on the page as it seemed a bit squeezed where I placed it, but I told him there was no point for that as I needed the space to put in a site plan and septic details, so he said ok and actually printed them himself.

Now I hope you can understand the disbelief I was in when he blamed me for the client getting mad at him and accused me of not following his instruction to put a flat roof in as the client wanted when he had told me otherwise.
Needless to say we had a really big fight after that but he stuck to his guns. This is therefore a landmark behavior of the narcissist, and he will employ it often because he feels that sh*t can't stick on him.

They Give You Lip Service
"Hey will you fix the bathroom light as the guests will arrive in the afternoon?"
Silence.
"... will you fix the bathroom light before the guests arrive?"
"I said I will" and he returns to whatever he was doing, never giving you a single glance.
The narcissist will give you this kind of lip service for pretty much everything you ask of him, and act as though he's a sulky teenager being forced to do something and when you make the mistake of asking why he does this he will either sulk some more, or accuse you of using 'the wrong tone to ask', which is what my resident narcissist does.

They Are Extremely Competitive
So you are good at something? He will try to beat you at it or point out the errors in the way you do it so you geel you are not so good at it after all. If you write, he will pick it up as a hobby to show you he can be good at it and if you draw well, he will tell you of all the awesome drawings he has done over time. This competetive streak will be of abnormal levels and he will aways end up making you see that whatever you can do, he can also do, and probably be better at it than you are.

evil exes

Their Exes Are Always One Bad Thing Or The Other
They broke up with their ex because he/she was too clingy, or they never carried their weight in the relationship, or they had mommy/daddy issues, always something or the other, but it was never ever their fault because they are perfect, and they will accuse you of feeling perfect or expecting them to be perfect when you have a fight with them over their mental issues so there is no winning here.

You Are Never Good Enough For Them
You cooked steak for them? It's ok but they feel it is a bit too salty, and that cake you baked is ever so slightly undercooked. You do not clean up well after yourself (even if the environment they grew up in says their OCD is a mere myth) and you are not such a great mom to your kids because you often lose patience with them.
When you get sick of this and ask them whether they want to give it a hand and maybe show you by example how to do it best or at least give you a hand so you are better at it, they will hastily respond that it is not their responsibility and you should know how to be good all by yourself like other people.
They diminish your worth of self and work really hard at making you loathe yourself so you feel as if they are really good to you despite their mental torture of you, and imply that they are doing tou a great big favor by letting you stay on with them.

They Punish You For Defying Them
If they ask for bread and you deliver sconce, they will sulk, give you silence and lip service and generally be a headache, getting you to work overtime at trying to ensure they get back ok and you lift their spirits, and this applies to just about anything.
If for instance he asks to get intimate in a certain way and for some reason you don't want that or you can't, he will give a loathsome performance then accuse you of never meeting his needs. Remember that it is never about you but them; you are in his life solely to prop him and make things easier for him so do this or face his psychological warfare.

They Try Turning You Against Others
'So and so said this about you', or 'your friend doesn't really think you are ok, she let it slip a while ago', or even 'your sister doesn't like that dress you wore to her wedding, she just says it to fool you' and so on and so forth. 
This tool is employed by the narcissist so that the rare and random acts of kindness that he gives you seem true, and make him look less of a monster than he is and he keeps you hooked because if you have no one else to turn to, who are you going to believe is after your best interests but him?

They Expect Of You What They Just Can't/Won't Do
They want you to keep the house spick and span but they refuse to clean up after themselves even when that is all they have to do. They want you to take care of the kids, clean them, feed them, and entertain them but they will do this for mere minutes before they call for you to take them back. There are countless instances of this but the payoff is the same; you must be great at everything, but they cannot and should not be expected to do/be the same, as my resident narcissist puts it; "I am just trying to make you into a better version of you as I want the best for you in life".
Yea right.

Also read over here!
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OF GOOD INTENTIONS AND GAS-LIGHTING

If you know about the film from 1944 called gaslight then you know exactly what I will be talking about in this here post.
If not, here's a brief definition: to gaslight someone is to gently manipulate them, and coax them to questioning their own sanity.

It might start innocently enough with some simple lies until it gets to the point when you no longer can tell if you are sure about what you say.
 In the film by that name, a man manipulates his wife until she is not sure if she is sane any more. He does this by dimming the gas lights in their home then turning them back up and when she mentions it to him, he tells her that he has no idea of what she is talking about.

Why would anyone do this, you ask? Power is the reason. When someone is successful at it then they hold power over their unsuspecting victim, and this is simply no way for a relationship to be; it is after all a fair equal union as opposed to a hostile take-over.
As a general rule of thumb, love is no longer healthy when it becomes about control, power, and numbing mind-games; and this is the precedent for countless evils that happen in a relationship and leave outsiders wondering whether you have been bewitched to remain in such a cursed union so this is the point you should exit stage left.
Read on below to find out the signs you should look out for to know if your significant other is gaslighting you,; and keep in mind you will have to be very keen because it happens to the best of us and is a lot easier than you may think to fall into this pit.

They Are Totally Charming To Other People
The thing with a person who is manipulating you is that they need others to always take their side in the event anything happens so they are charming, attentive, polite, considerate, and all those other nice things to you, but only when you are in front of people. Things are of course very different when you are by yourselves, as they will ignore and belittle you, convince you that the things you care about are nonsense, and will not support any dreams that you may have.
If you notice this Jekyll and Hyde phenomenon and feel as if no one else can really see the person you are with, it is time to turn your radar up and watch out for any of these other signs.

They Tell You Outright Lies
You know beyond all doubt that this person is lying to you but they stand their ground, why? They are setting the stage so that you will never be sure if anything they say is true, and as long as you are not on guard, then they will amp up their manipulation in some of these following ways.

They Constantly Deny Things They Had Said
"Honey, when will you fix this door? You said you would get to it later in the week and it's Saturday already". "What? I never said anything like that"....
 Even if you have proof of it, they will borderline swear an oath with the Holy Book that they did not say it, and the more they do it, the less sure you become of anything and the more you rely on them to show you the light, which of course they have no intention of doing.

They Use Things You Care About As Weapons
They know of your dreams and aspirations and what they mean to you, and how dear your sister is to you, so they will say things like "you know you're too lazy/slow/inept to be in that line of work", and "your sister is a bad influence on you, do you think your mom will be happy if you leave me like your sister left her spouse?". And so on and so forth, making you feel lucky to be with them because they know you so damn well and accept you despite your numerous flaws.

The Frog In A Pot Of Boiling Water
Because they do it so gradually, you will not feel the pressure all at once; a few light lies in the start, some nasty comments over time, and before you know it it has reached the climax yet you are still holding on to the illusion of love. Same as with the frog in the pot of boiling water, it starts out with a cool comfortable temperature and as the heat is gradually turned up, it is soon boiling before the frog realizes what is going on.

Their Actions And Words Do Not Match
They will say a lot of things; "you're the best thing that has happened to me", "I will change", "I love you", etc, but none of these words mean a thing; they are all just empty talk worth nothing and their actions always bring you down.

They Seem To Be Positive For You, Sometimes
Every now and then they will give you some morale boost and words of encouragement like "Seems like you're finally getting the hang of keeping the house clean and tidy". While this seems like a compliment, it is just another tool on their belt because they live in the same house, right? So the house being clean serves them as well.
What this random positivity does is to keep you unsure of things because it seems like they are actually good people with your interests at heart but rest assured they are not. Remember the Devil was an angel of light once.

They Weaken You With Confusion
Stability makes people comfortable while confusion weakens them and this is their goal, to keep you weak and dependent on them because you will always turn to them when you need some stability in  your life.

They Turn People Against You
In a bid to isolate you so that you are easier to control and also find people who will stand by them, they will tell you false statements implying that other people know you are no good or you are weak so that you turn to them for support and invariably fall deeper into their traps.

They Are Dismissive Of You
They tell you that you're crazy and also joke about it to others so that it becomes easier to keep you in a position where you believe that, and others will also find it hard to believe that the gaslighter is manipulative and abusive; the things you do and say mean very little to them once you are in their control.

They Project Their Behaviors On You
If they are cheats, they accuse you of cheating; if they are drunks, they accuse you of alcoholism and because they are manipulators, they accuse you of manipulating their feelings to get your ends. Once you react to this and attempt to defend yourself, you feed in to their plan and are distracted from what they are doing even more.

These are the main things to look out for when you suspect that you are being gaslighted, and you should expect a lot of opposition if you attempt to let them know that you are on to them. Because love tends to throw everything into a shade of roses at least at first, you should take care to keep safe from the clutches of a narcissist whose qualities I will tell you all about next time. Til then, stay foxxy!!

Also read here!

                                                      XOXO