WAYS IN WHICH PEOPLE RESPOND TO BEING CHEATED ON

Hello my lovely foxxes, I trust that you have been well and that you're chasing your dreams with lots of vigour, working on your well being and what not :-)

So, early this week I came across a post on Twitter of a scorned woman calling out her 'co-wife' and saying she's left her home to her randy husband and her because she could not stop screwing a man she knew was married. Of course people in the comments had all manner of opinions, from supporting her and consoling her to being shitty insensitive supporters of the guy, or his side chick, or both haha.
I felt her pain because I have been on the receiving end of this nonsense more than once and I knew the range of emotions she must have gone through. She got to putting it up on social media though, and I always stopped just one step short of this as I thought it would work against me in the long run because 1, the internet never forgets, and 2, we don't know what the future has in store for us and life has a funny way sometimes. Plus, keyboard warriors are the worst; they don't know you and they don't really care so your chances of being bullied right off the edge of that cliff you're standing on are very high.
We are all different though, and being a person who never told anyone about it -family, friends, or frienemies- I never understand how someone goes online to air this laundry out....
So it got me thinking of the different ways in which people respond to being cheated on because it occurred to me that there's quite a few, and I wrote this article up, about the different categories of scorned women out there .... Read on, and be sure to let me know in the comments section which of these categories you fall under, if you dare haha  

THE FORGIVING WIFE
I have to say that this is either the most common, or the rarest of the categories, depending on who you listen to. You have to consider the fact that most of those who forgive do not go public with the information in the first place so this survey is grossly off, mainly because they feel shame and feel as if society will judge them for being cheated on (which it does almost always anyway). So rather than be told that the randy animal of a male strayed because she couldn't cook, or couldn't sex him right, or placed career or children before him, they choose to stay mum and just swallow the pain caused to them.
This results in one of two things, either the woman will get so bitter from all the heartache and will loathe all other women she perceives might be in a better situation than her, and will live the most miserable life you could imagine. Alternatively she will try to hold it in, but without regular outlet the pressure builds up slowly over time then like a pressure cooler, boom! A homicide, suicide, or both are the worst case scenarios in this case.
The other type of forgiver is the one that is lucky enough to have a partner that truly regrets his action, and works through some healing process religiously resulting in a better future for both, and a happy marriage in the end. If you have one of these unicorns, pray every day that they will not be corrupted by the millions of mules out there lol.


THE VIOLENT WIFE

This class is glorified in movies, I guess because, well, drama. She will key your car, or spray paint it lewd things. She will trash the house if it's yours or throw you out like a dog if it's hers. She will sue you if she can and will cut off your friend's and family, calling you all a classless nasty lot that everyone should avoid, then she will leave in a huff after causing as much physical damage as she possibly can afford to.
Sometimes she will be violent, ambushing you when you don't really expect it or can't do anything in your defence. Other times she will pretend all is well, but will start to grind glass and mix it in your food, waiting patiently for the day you die an agonizing death then bury you and your nonsense with a perfect poker face. I have to say at this point that I do not endorse any of these actions, at any point or for any reason. Life is sacred and no one has the right to take it away from somebody else.

THE EYE FOR AN EYE WIFE
I have heard that this one is a bad one, mainly because she does to you what you did to her, only more publicly, or with someone that it just kills you to imagine, like your boss, your best friend, your brother, your father....
Because the guy will feel her pain and realize he has absolutely no excuse that can be viable, it hurts all the more especially when he asks the same questions he asked and gets the same responses that he gave; they do say that revenge is a dish best served cold.
Most of the time she does this as a last resort and really doesn't care if you leave her or not, as long as she gave you a taste of your own medicine, then that's fine with her. For the obvious reasons like disease or an awkward pregnancy especially in the event the two stick together, this method seems to me the equivalent of splattering your own clothes with mud because someone came and sat next to you with mud on THEIR clothes. Love is said to be blind, but some of the times its deaf, dumb, and down right crazy as well... I will stop here because I am not too far from this type of madness, as you shall see in the future if you stick around lol.


THE DRAMATIC WIFE
This category is men's favorite one, because there is plenty of huffing and puffing, but no action in the end. She will cry and yell, threaten to kill and threaten to leave, threaten to tear you to pieces with her bare hands and say she will not put up with this shit.
At the end of it all, it will be a lot of words and no action, so the guy often just waits until it blows over, resets and goes back to his side chick next time: rinse and repeat. The more a woman does this, though, the more she demeans herself and sets up the stage for her downfall soon, because everyone knows that a barking dog never bites, her partner will have no reason to change because he can have his cake and eat it too and will get comfortable in his ways.

THE WIFE IN DENIAL
This one will never see the husband as the actual problem, but will always see other women as the issue with her relationship. We all know that men lie, so sometimes they manage to fool some naive girl that they are in love and she buys it at the recommended retail price. She either does not get to know that the randy goat is married, or knows but falls for the classic 'we are going through our divorce and I'm miserable but I love you' crap and while this is not to say it's a valid excuse, it happens. Or the other woman is simply a classic hoe.
Now the wife comes to know about the affair and what does she do? Gets the other woman's number and calls her up with threats and insults, or physically goes to her and slaps her around, or if she's powerful enough she hires a hit man to finish off her competition.

Why does she do this, you wonder, does she not see her guy is the issue? She does, but does not want to accept it, so she resents other women who she feels might be desirable to her man (if he can still be called that), and makes herself his bodyguard, barking at any female entity that dares come near hers.
In my opinion, this just keeps working against her because what she has done is tell her guy 'whatever you do, (whoever you do), I will be there waiting to catch you when you fall'. So he will keep at it until he gets tired, fat chance of that happening though.


So there you go, what do you think about my list? Did I leave any type of scorned woman unmentioned? Be sure to let me know in the comments section if I have, and until next time, keep it foxxy my dears!!
Also read it here!
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A ROYAL WEDDING, AND A FALSE ACCUSATION

While Meghan Markle was lucky kissing her prince sometime last year, some of us -myself included- were still struggling with the toads that we chose to be yoked to for eternity. It was a very busy weekend in general terms; and today's post is not advice or anything like that, but a story of sorts that you may or may not learn a lesson from so hear ye, hear ye, my sorrowful tale of being falsely accused....

It has happened so many times that I lost count, but there was a previous incident whereby after filling the kiddy pool with water and trying to get the babies to play in it, we went to the house, and left our resident trouble maker outside. The water had still been running because it was so slow in filling the pool so he said he was going to shut it since we were done and off he went in the direction of the tap.
Quick jump to the evening, when the driveway was filled with water and I was outside doing some light weeding in the kitchen garden when he came up to me and said, 'you know you drained the pool'.
This sounded strange and because I was surprised I asked him, 'what?' To which he repeated his statement, and said that when I pulled the pipe out of the tap with the other end still in the pool, it siphoned the water out hence the wet driveway and almost empty pool.
I stood upright and told him, in the most calm way that I could, that I was not insane, and I had not even gone near the tap since leaving the area with the pool. He was the one who shut the tap and did whatever else he did so why now was he blaming me?
He must not have expected this because he just turned around and walked away, smart if you ask me, and good for both of us as it would save us a tiring exchange, more so on our son's second birthday.
So now on the weekend in question, it seemed to me that he is trying to refresh his gaslighting on me by doing things and then very sanely and calmly blaming me to see if I fall for it. Unfortunately, I have learnt that this is his trick so now my immediate reaction when he accuses me of anything is to deny, deny, deny, as he always does.

This time, my latest gripe, is when he tried blaming me for not giving him complete feedback about an engineer he had requested me to follow up for him, concerning verification of some drawings. As the story went, we were together that whole day, when I called up my contact person who told me that he did not personally know any registered engineers, but that he knew someone who worked in a printing shop who might know one- a broker, if you will. I told him thanks and he forwarded the number to me and I relayed the info back to my deaf-man; in a conversation that went as follows:
Me: So I don't think we'll get any help from there as he said his dad is not registered and he does not personally know a registered engineer, the person who's number he has forwarded to me is just someone who works in a printing shop so he will broker us and will definitely want some payment in return, defeating the purpose of the cheapness we are trying to get.
Him: .... Silence......... Then call him and ask him if he can send us to the person he works for and we will negotiate.
Me: The person he works for is a printer. They do not have any drawing or approving capabilities because they just print. Will you be fine with being sent to someone else through him, then pay both of them?
Him: Just call him and ask him.
Me: Here's his number, I think it would be better if you talked to him as I'm not sure what or how exactly I'm supposed to ask him.
Him: Well if he's not an actual engineer then it's fine I guess he can't help us.

*****************************conversation ends*********************************

So, at some point his phone went off and he needed to talk to some people and meet up so we put his sim card in mine and he had it for the better part of the evening.

Forward to the next day, where he's out and I can't reach him due to network disturbances and I have a long day comprising of cramps and burning my fingers on the ugali sufuria. At some point his mother calls me and after some small talk asks me when I last spoke to him, and I can literally hear the disapproval in her voice when I tell her about three hours ago, to which she says ok, goodnight, talk tomorrow, then we hang up.
This gets me feeling some (bad) type of way because it is not the first time that his parents have said and/or implied that I need to constantly know where he, is, and reach out to him, call him, and talk to him. But just how the shit do you keep tabs on a grown man with his own agenda who most of the times picks up your call with a sigh, because you're just bugging the soul out of him? I need a course on how to do this, and I also think that if his parents could not tame him in all the time they have known him, it's unfair to give me that responsibility; I have never in my life professed to being a miracle worker.

So anyway finally his phone goes through, and my emotions are still smarting from the call and trying to restrain myself from saying something stupid, as I often do when angry. We start off on a bad note but things calm down and there's actually even a light joke thrown somewhere in there at some point.
He calls me when he's at the gate, and says he has the key anyway so don't bother. I say ok but go outside all the same after some minutes so I can close it once he's in, but there are no characteristic lights under the gate to signal his presence. I stand around for a bit then go back in, because the cold is making me miserable.

After a few minutes, I hear the gate open, he gets in, and closes it, and gets into the house, says hi to the kids, and comes to the room, where I am, having just gotten out of the loo.

No hello, so I volunteer one that gets the coldest response you ever heard, and before I can recover, he hits me with 'why did you refuse to follow up with the lead we had for a registered engineer?' I literally wonder out loud, 'what the fk!?' 'I refused to follow up???? did you show interest past the point we left it at? I told you he sent me a number and you had the phone, did you call him??' He walks out of the room and heads into the kitchen.

At this juncture I realize I have just gone fifty shades angrier but I cannot stop myself, and I try, believe me. I follow him there, and tell him to try and not blame me for his mistakes and failures because when I offer to help it does not mean that he needs to step out of the situation and be an observer, with no input. He says it's ok and he will help himself in the future and will never ask for my help, so I can just leave it at that he does not want to listen to me anymore.
This strikes a raw nerve, so I do what every angry woman does; cut open an old wound then pour the salt in. Suddenly it's about his being late a month ago, it's his general irresponsibility, the way he talks to me, etc etc. and just everything else we have ever fought about. He's getting angry and asking what that has to do with anything, could I please just shut the hell up and leave him alone, he just wants some peace etc, but I'm on a roll so I carry on, til I'm all spent, and go back to the bedroom just after he calls his mother asking her what she told me over the phone to get me so upset.
I don't hear the exchange though it's a short conversation. I know she's going to take this opportunity to give me a talk of how to stay well in a 'marriage' as if this sham is one, and as if I'm responsible of the actions for her son. I get madder at the thought but pour some whisky in a plastic cup and drink it bitterly and I guess it calms me down  bit.
I get to work on the laptop doing random things and put up a blog post (not this one, I'm not that fast haha) and end up sleeping at 3 a.m.
Is this how I want to raise our kids really? Did I not learn from my mum and dad that this is the recipe for messed up adults?
Stay foxxy out there.
I wish I had more alcohol.

XOXO

HOW TO KNOW IF YOU ARE WITH A NARCISSIST

Hazard, not the footballer though...

The biohazard warning is very necessary in this case, because I am about to tell you about an extremely toxic character that you may encounter in a relationship and I do hope this warning will not go ignored.

Emotional manipulation is what a narcissist does, and it is extremely draining to the recipient who becomes disoriented in life and most of the time loses faith in love and in humanity if they finally get out of this situation.

Following below are the signs that you should look out for to be sure that you do not end up with a narcissist; and keep in mind that someone may tick one or two, but the more signs that they have then the more likely and the worse of a narcissist they are, so all the best in dealing with them...

They Isolate You From Family And Friends
If whenever you want to visit or call a friend or family to catch up and maybe find out how they are doing it becomes reason for a fight or a sulk, then watch out. The narcissist will not want you to be happy in your comfortable circle of friends but will want you to only rely on them alone, make them your world so to speak.
They know that your family and friends have the special sight that is afforded by being objective and so will spot things that you will not, early warning signs per se. So if it is always an issue when you need some time with your people then pay close attention before you get drawn in into the unrelenting misery of being with a narcissist.

They Give You The Silent Treatment
You have barely any idea that you have done something wrong, or you know that you have, but did not know it was this bad, yet he will keep himself busy on his phone/laptop/tv whatever and act as if you don't exist. You ask questions and get no response and eventually you get tired of this crap and just apologize so it can end. The narcissist will keep doing this until it becomes a habit for you to apologize when he goes silent, even when he is the one on the wrong and your 'crime' is pointing this out...

They Are Always The Victim
The narcissist will always find a way to get into the victim mode; they cheat, and it's because you were ignoring them or they were frustrated or their mother looked at them wrong when they were a toddler. 
Anything works,and they never get tired of it, a working example is how I saw an incriminating text on my boyfriend's phone the other day, and his response when he realized I was not taking silence was that I always look for trouble and as I wanted to know who he was talking to, he refused to say because 'regardless of what he said or didn't say I would be mad'.
He implied there was a reasonable and acceptable explanation for this but he wasn't giving it to me because I wanted to get mad and so I would do so no matter what he told me, and he stuck to that despite it not earning him the sympathy he wanted from me.
The narcissist will always try to find a way to make you think their bad behavior is a result of third parties, most often you, so be wary of this.

They Project Their Shortcomings Onto You
I have a lot of working examples on this narcissist behavior so here is one from as recently as yesterday; a conversation we had after meeting with a client:
I asked him "so how did the meeting go?" because I had been outside while they talked.
Sulking, he responded "he is complicated, and I had told you to put a flat roof on that drawing"

I was extremely taken aback because I remembered him expressly saying the client had decided on the pitched roof, and despite my having provided a version with the flat roof, he told me to make it pitched so I told him it would take me at least a day to complete and he said he would revert to the client. At the final moment before the work was printed, I asked him to look at it, and he suggested that I change the orientation of the roof on the page as it seemed a bit squeezed where I placed it, but I told him there was no point for that as I needed the space to put in a site plan and septic details, so he said ok and actually printed them himself.

Now I hope you can understand the disbelief I was in when he blamed me for the client getting mad at him and accused me of not following his instruction to put a flat roof in as the client wanted when he had told me otherwise.
Needless to say we had a really big fight after that but he stuck to his guns. This is therefore a landmark behavior of the narcissist, and he will employ it often because he feels that sh*t can't stick on him.

They Give You Lip Service
"Hey will you fix the bathroom light as the guests will arrive in the afternoon?"
Silence.
"... will you fix the bathroom light before the guests arrive?"
"I said I will" and he returns to whatever he was doing, never giving you a single glance.
The narcissist will give you this kind of lip service for pretty much everything you ask of him, and act as though he's a sulky teenager being forced to do something and when you make the mistake of asking why he does this he will either sulk some more, or accuse you of using 'the wrong tone to ask', which is what my resident narcissist does.

They Are Extremely Competitive
So you are good at something? He will try to beat you at it or point out the errors in the way you do it so you geel you are not so good at it after all. If you write, he will pick it up as a hobby to show you he can be good at it and if you draw well, he will tell you of all the awesome drawings he has done over time. This competetive streak will be of abnormal levels and he will aways end up making you see that whatever you can do, he can also do, and probably be better at it than you are.

evil exes

Their Exes Are Always One Bad Thing Or The Other
They broke up with their ex because he/she was too clingy, or they never carried their weight in the relationship, or they had mommy/daddy issues, always something or the other, but it was never ever their fault because they are perfect, and they will accuse you of feeling perfect or expecting them to be perfect when you have a fight with them over their mental issues so there is no winning here.

You Are Never Good Enough For Them
You cooked steak for them? It's ok but they feel it is a bit too salty, and that cake you baked is ever so slightly undercooked. You do not clean up well after yourself (even if the environment they grew up in says their OCD is a mere myth) and you are not such a great mom to your kids because you often lose patience with them.
When you get sick of this and ask them whether they want to give it a hand and maybe show you by example how to do it best or at least give you a hand so you are better at it, they will hastily respond that it is not their responsibility and you should know how to be good all by yourself like other people.
They diminish your worth of self and work really hard at making you loathe yourself so you feel as if they are really good to you despite their mental torture of you, and imply that they are doing tou a great big favor by letting you stay on with them.

They Punish You For Defying Them
If they ask for bread and you deliver sconce, they will sulk, give you silence and lip service and generally be a headache, getting you to work overtime at trying to ensure they get back ok and you lift their spirits, and this applies to just about anything.
If for instance he asks to get intimate in a certain way and for some reason you don't want that or you can't, he will give a loathsome performance then accuse you of never meeting his needs. Remember that it is never about you but them; you are in his life solely to prop him and make things easier for him so do this or face his psychological warfare.

They Try Turning You Against Others
'So and so said this about you', or 'your friend doesn't really think you are ok, she let it slip a while ago', or even 'your sister doesn't like that dress you wore to her wedding, she just says it to fool you' and so on and so forth. 
This tool is employed by the narcissist so that the rare and random acts of kindness that he gives you seem true, and make him look less of a monster than he is and he keeps you hooked because if you have no one else to turn to, who are you going to believe is after your best interests but him?

They Expect Of You What They Just Can't/Won't Do
They want you to keep the house spick and span but they refuse to clean up after themselves even when that is all they have to do. They want you to take care of the kids, clean them, feed them, and entertain them but they will do this for mere minutes before they call for you to take them back. There are countless instances of this but the payoff is the same; you must be great at everything, but they cannot and should not be expected to do/be the same, as my resident narcissist puts it; "I am just trying to make you into a better version of you as I want the best for you in life".
Yea right.

Also read over here!
                                                               XOXO