OPEN RELATIONSHIPS: YAY OR NAY

The day I arrived at the end of my tether, I put all my cards on the table and let him know that since he seemed to be unable to help himself around women, then I shall also not help myself around men and will consequently taste this forbidden fruit which he can't get enough of. His response? 'Let's try an open relationship then and see how it goes'.

This translated to me that he was ok being the philanderer each time and me forgiving him severally but if  I was to become like him, he would now not wait for me to go out and get lucky while he chews on his fingernails all night long. So I said it was ok, whatever he wanted to do he could go ahead, but then we hit a speed bump because we were to lay down the rules and regulations for this undertaking, but he somehow never got the time to have the talk. 

I figured he had developed cold feet and just could not bear the thought of taking what he had been dishing to me; even if the same was now opened to him. 

Slavery much? 

Anyway, just to clear the air, I was not interested in being a ho and had said all of that in the heat of the moment because he continuously refused to acknowledge his wrong and stop repeating the same mistake over and over. His response did give me a sneak peak into our future together, where I saw tears in the short term and total darkness in the long term. 

I was curious though about open relationships as I have heard some people getting into them, celebrity example singer Neyo and his spouse, and if it was anything to go by, the fact that she was always in tears and complaints while he was not, I realized that it was not going to be accepted by both parties concerned, even if both initially agreed to the laid down terms and conditions.

Here therefore is my article on everything I found out about these open relationships; read on and see if you would be interested in taking part in one...

Definition

First off, it is a form of polygamous union, and this is an umbrella term more or less because any given couple out there will have their own variations of what is ok and what is not; their own terms and conditions if you will. As long as you approach the situation ethically, the rest you can work out as you go along.

haha...

General 'Rules of Engagement'

If you and your significant other choose to go down this road, you might as well try and make it work otherwise as 'Rick from Rick and Morty' would say you are planning to fail, which is even more stupid than regular planning haha...

So here's some pointers on what to do to get it right:

1- Get to know about it by talking to people in similar undertakings (haha) online, or in real-life if you know them.

2-Decide what you both want, discuss, and agree about it.

3-Establish the guidelines and never overstep your boundaries.

4-Be ready to get flexible and realize the initial rules may need to change over time and nothing is written in stone.

5-Put extra effort into your communications and know that if you start to act out of feelings such as jealousy and anger, which are sure to develop over time, you will be shooting yourself in the foot.

6-Nothing is ever easy and this is no different so put a lot of energy into it, and work at it.

So far so good, right? Because as long as you can 'legally' have your 4 girlfriends and she has her two boyfriends then it is fair for both of you getting the supposed best of all worlds out there, right? Read on for a few of the things that can make this perceived 'paradise' to fail:

1-Jealousy and Insecurity are real, and you do not have to be the jealous type to get some feelings tangled when you are home alone while your significant other is snuggling up to some other person. Your reputation is also on the line due to a society that is generally not that sexually progressive, and you risk being outcasts of sorts.

2-All is, after all, not fair, because we all know that it is that much easier and faster for a woman who is actively searching to get the literal bang for her buck, especially in this no-strings-attached scenario, and a guy will have to put in more work to bed a new partner because contrary to popular belief, not that many women out there are willing to get it on with someone in a relationship, open though it may be.

3-STD's and pregnancy are an obvious risk, and it is not right for me to put them together like this but let's just ignore that. Common sense dictates that the probability of winding up with a disease gets higher the more people you sleep with, and don't even get me started on the complications of the lady getting pregnant by someone else, or the guy impregnating someone else. What happens to your relationship then?

4-It is bound to get emotional at some point, even if neither of you develop feelings for a third party - which is honestly a reach by the way, there is still no guarantee that everyone else you are involved with will respect this and when feelings develop then a mess is also bound to ensue. 

5-You are bound to spread yourself too thin because what happens when, for instance, two partners simultaneously need the presence of another one; how do you choose which one to save and which one to lose without creating unnecessary tension?

6-Self-esteem issues will crop up because we are all human and to some extent at least, want validation from someone important in our lives. When in a relationship, it will be all too easy to compare yourself with a third party in the same circles as us because our partner seems happier, more at ease, and generally 'better' while with them than while with you.

7-Finally, take all the issues that a normal monogamous relationship may face and put them in the mix because where two human beings are intimately involved there is definitely going to be friction; now multiply that by the number of people in the relationship with you. Issues like cheating are compunded by having no clear cut definitions and so on and so forth, so at the end is it really worth it?

A monogamous relationship takes a lot of work to get to work, so to speak, and a lot of people mistakenly feel that involving other people is the easy way out while it is not. 

You will have to be ready to deal with more issues where there are more people involved and this generation of consumers and selfish people yelling 'YOLO' this is already tough to come by.

Last but not least, if you get into an open relationship your primary relationship will need to be the picture of health and stand the test of time because any small issues you had will be blown out of proportion by outsiders, so there you have it - ours would have been a disaster in waiting so in some ways I am glad it did not materialize.

Let me know in the comments what you think about this open relationship thing, and if you would get into one yourself, and let us have a healthy discussion.

Until next time, stay foxxy my ladies!!!

Also read it here!

                                                                  XOXO

WHAT GETTING CHEATED ON DOES TO YOU

It's not rocket science that getting cheated on sucks big time. Worse if your shit of a cheat is also gas-lighting you and is a narcissist.
There should be a unit in hospitals for people who get cheated on, and those who get all I've mentioned above done to them, not leaving behind victims of both physical and verbal abuse.
Damn, where did we go so wrong as a species?
Without further ado, here's my analysis of what happens to you when you get cheated on several times; a breakdown of a suffering which I call 'SCD' i.e. Severe Cheat Disorder.

Mentally
I would be lying if I said that I have always been a sunny ray of a girl, but I was not this dark. After the first occurrence of cheating I got in a bad way, and it did not help that I had just had a baby so post natal depression came big time, or just plain depression. I would forget simple things and had a hell of a time performing the simplest of tasks.
To say I was preoccupied is a gross understatement, and it is by the grace of our Creator that I did a halfway decent job of raising that child. I was in a constant state of panic, anxiety, and paranoia; where is he? What is he doing? Did he go back to meet her? Is he thinking of me? Did he ever love me? What could I have done differently to prevent this? Was it my fault? etc etc and it never stopped, not even when he was right there next to me.
My mind was so crowded with these and more nonsense thoughts that I had no more room for creativity; songs I composed effortlessly were now a heavy chore; words I wrote into poems were jumbled and it was a pain to bring them to rhyme and the fabric I had bought by the yard now lay mildewing in my wardrobe.
I lost track of humor and sarcasm and pretty much everything said to me was an attack which brought out the combatant in me. I alternated between confusion and bitterness, assurance of doom and hopelessness all day, every day.
What did she have that I did not? Was he thinking of me-a few days from my due date-while he was with her? Could I ever forgive him? Did I even want to? Did she know about me and how did she see me, as broken as I saw myself, or stupid, or both? It was a full-time job with no pay, and it started to show.

Physically
I started to have messy eating-habits, sometimes eating too much in an absent-minded state, or not eating at all. There was no order or organization to my diet plans, just anything edible would find its way into my mouth. Coupled with the lack of support from him as when I baked it was a bit soggy and when I fried it was too salty and nothing was ever done right by him, I lost interest in cooking, just put things together and put them on the cooker to get it over with.
Fine little wrinkles appeared on my face from dehydration and I wondered if I had always had dark circles under my eyes.
It was hell.
My skin got dry and flaky; lost its natural glow and felt itchy too, with proper moisturization just out of reach for me because I couldn't or wouldn't do anything to fix it. I was so damn tired all the time and my body hurt, kinda like it does when you have malaria, or maybe I did honestly I don't know. I just wished for strength to carry on, thank goodness my baby kept my hands full, and I never once dropped him (thank goodness for real).
I needed serious strength to smile and laugh and generally be around people without letting the vortex inside me suck all the light and love from their midst and I could rarely summon it so I chose to keep to myself as it was easier that way.

Spiritually
Was there really a God out there and if so why did he let things like these happen? But that was unfair, no third party should be blamed for the wrongdoings of any one individual, no matter how closely aligned they are to each other. I did not see the point of giving thanks or being grateful-for what?
It would have been a gift to sleep and not wake up, and I am sad to admit that I thought of suicide for a while. I felt that I owed it to my son to hang in there for another day, if  only to tickle him and see his toothless grin and hear his hearty laugh; it almost made me forget the emptiness in me.
It felt like an insurmountable task to feed my soul with healthy habits like meditation, reading, and exercise. Reminded me of that old blue song whose lyrics went something like 'why does the sun go on shining, why does the sea rush to shore, don't they know it's the end of the world, for you don't love me anymore......' and I felt it on a spiritual level.

Psychologically
I was stressed and my trust levels in him plummeted. I could hardly trust him after the first time, but after the second one I had negative trust left in him if that was possible. He was a literal green snake in the grass and I wondered why it took so long for me to see his true from.
I felt bitter towards him, and started to see him and his friends as one large cartel of shitheads (which they are anyway haha).
The loathing spread to his family and I would draw connections between all their bad habits then damn them collectively because well the same dirty, cheating blood flowed through all of their veins.
It did not matter that I wanted to forgive and make things work for the sake of our young family; I was just on a level of irrevocable anger, even when I had no reason to be.
The plus side is that I developed an a-hole radar, and can now tell from a guy's words and actions whether he was any good or just along for the ride, and I hope this saves me the heartache next time.

It was a tough trip for me because even after I caught him the second time and he confessed and swore that he had called it off, the affair still went on for close to nine months, with me all the while being silly thinking it was over for real and going through life as normal; going home to visit my mum and stay for a few days etc, to which he had no objection whatsoever. It would seem that the good old proverb against confidence tricks works for relationships as well; "when the deal is too good think twice", because love is after all the ripest field for cons of all natures.
No matter how strong, independent, good-looking, wealthy, healthy, intelligent, or anything else you are, getting cheated on is something no one should have to go through because the implications of it can easily last for a lifetime.
For most people, the details are hazy and cloudy at best for memories of their first kiss, their proposal, or even their first born's births, but ask them about a time they got cheated on and you will be equal parts shocked and dismayed at how much detail they can remember surrounding their discovery of the affair. The human brain is simply that; human, and it will emboss on your brain the things that hurt you the most while it blurs the best as if to protect them from being over-scrutinized and consequently ruined.
The moral is simple. Do Not Cheat, no matter the reason or the occasion, just don't do it, because you will succeed in one thing and that is to tie yourself to the worst part of the worst memory of the person you cheat on. If you have desires they cannot satisfy or you just don't love them anymore, do the sensible and grown-up thing and leave.
Also read it here!
                                                             
                 XO

WHY HE DOES NOT WANT YOU TO GET A JOB

They say that all is fair in love and in war but is it really? Is it fair, for instance, to take someone as a prisoner simply because they love you?
This post is about a major issue that does not get the airplay it deserves; when a woman is in a relationship with a guy that works extremely hard at keeping his woman out of the workplace, or even getting her out of it when she's already in.
I have had my own perspective on this and I came to the conclusion that despite his well-meaning sentiments and words, any control-freak is very uncomfortable with the idea of his spouse being away from the house hustling or formally employed, so read on.
Below are five reasons which I have come to understand make some men shake in their boots when they hear their wives/girlfriends have gotten jobs. Do let me know what you think in the comments section.

Stuck In The Stone-age

In the past, men were the hunters while women were the gatherers, and since hunting guaranteed greater quantities and more variety of food, it followed that they were the main providers in any family unit.
As much as society has changed, some people refuse to budge from this ancient way, both men and women. The women will strive to fit this role by contributing nothing at all financially to the family and wait on the husband to provide , while the men in this mindset will believe that any marriageable woman must be willing to quit her job if she has one, or not look for one if she doesn't.
While some such men will be sensible enough to find a woman who is willing to abide by this and let her know the terms from the get-go, there are those who foolishly find a woman who is a career-type, hide his intentions from her, and then try to coerce or bully her into changing to suit his purposes.
Such a man will not mind if his means of livelihood alone is not enough to sustain a family unit well and will insist that his woman sees his side of things all the while turning a blind eye to hers.
There are women who would love this, while there are others who would not, so it is in everyone's best interests to talk about these expectations early on in the relationship and save hurt feelings in the end.

Control
Men love to be in control, and it fits them, but sometimes they abuse this position that society has so generously provided for them and want to control the behaviors, needs, and even emotions of their spouses.
In this scenario, he will start with small and random non-issues which you should look out for such as asking you to stop dressing the way you dress despite it being decent and to drop your favorite pastimes in favor of the ones he wants.
Soon enough he will target your job, even if he has a lousy one or does not have one at all, coming up with silly reasons like he wants you to spend more time with him or something. The more you indulge him, the bolder he will get, and soon you may have to drop your friends and ignore your family in a bid to sate his psychotic appetite, which you never ever will.
In some cases, it is clear that he feels that you'll would probably grow horns and wings and hit him then fly away lol, or whatever bizarre analogy, so every time you make an attempt to seek out work you may be met with 'you'll never get that job, you need to know someone on the inside', and 'will you be able to do that with your personality? It will be a headache for you', and 'stay home and take care of the kids first', etc etc.
He may usually be very upbeat when you insist on going and come back unsuccessful and if you ask what is going on and confront him with 'why is it that you don't want me to get a job?' he'll respond with a host of vague reasons like 'you will be really stressed out there', 'you will probably not earn enough for it to be worth it', 'you won't bond with the kids', and so on, and most of all, the subheading below:


A Better Man Than He Is To You Lurks Out There

This right here is psycho-fuel; he knows he treats you like crap, and so is sure that you will find a better man out there, so he wilfully keeps you away from any form of employment, or any reason you may have to interact with the outside world. Though it is hard to believe it, there are some men out there who treat their spouses badly but have no idea about it until they are told and some change while others don't, and others yet can't change.
This one, however, will not change. He wants you to stay put and receive what he gives you;all the bad treatment and abuse, and will guard you like a lion guards its food. He is totally capable of being a better man - the version of him that is seen by most of his friends and the women he cheats on you with, and will not hesitate to bring it up in an argument of you feeling unappreciated.
His strength is his deception and is also his greatest pride because he will ask you, 'do you know how well everyone out there feels/thinks/sees that I treat you? There are those who envy your current position with me'. While this may be true, they envy an illusion, same way we thirst after those instagram posts of beach-side-chilling and fine-food-eating without knowing about the struggle that led there, or even exists there.
This kind of man will therefore be sure beyond the shadow of a doubt that a very good number of men at your workplace are his direct competition, and his juvenile ego cannot take losing you so while he will bask in the adoring presence of interns and office cleaners, he will not wish the same for you. His strategy involves not getting out of his comfort zone to be a better man for you, but getting you out of your comfort zone and on the edge trying to constantly appease him so you cannot see other men out there and realize you got a raw deal.

Esteem Issues
Most guys with esteem issues manage to get women in their lives with their need for validation and constant care, which is unfortunately mistakenly endearing for most females at first. Before you know anything is wrong you are knee-deep in quicksand and he won't let go of you.
The first step a toxic guy will take is to bring you down to his level and then push you down lower so you end up beneath him; more damaged than he is, and needing him. One way to get your esteem down in the gutters is by taking you out of your job; hence you lose your colleagues and fall-back plan in the process because a broke person is generally more desperate than a financially liberated one.
It is not healthy for an active mind to stay at home, there are women who will thrive in this environment and there are others who will fail and if you are one of those who would rather keep busy, stay away from a guy who attempts to get you to leave work without a good reason because he will drain you and destroy you, then probably discard you after he has had his fun.

Stereotypical Much

'I cannot be with a woman who makes more than I do/is in a more successful career than me'; if I had a single coin for every time I have heard this, I would be the sultan of, well, coins. It is an open fact that power corrupts, but while this is true for some people, it is not true for everyone and women are no exception.
I have known some rich and powerful women who were complete and absolute garbage, for lack of a better description, but others are their opposite; humble and caring to those around them, and their spouses in particular. Now the problem is that some unfortunate men suffer from herd mentality and when they see or hear something said or done by one they consider an 'alpha', they repeat it and carry it on mindlessly without considering that there might be a different set of beliefs out there different from their own but which work nonetheless.
If your guy falls in this miserable category then Miss, you are straight outta luck because any pay rise you get in an ethical way will stir unrest in his heart, and if he gets laid off from work then he will expect you to do the sensible thing which is to quit in empathy, and so that he will not feel unduly threatened by you.
It does not matter if you are the most subdued female that ever lived; a man with esteem issues will always view you as a threat the second he learns that you have a salary that can support you so he will fight tooth and nail to keep you at home; broke and dependent on him for as long as he can.

This is pretty much all I have on this particular issue and so I am sure you all know what we should all be working extra hard at...... getting ourselves a damn job haha.... So until my next misadventure, stay foxxxy y'all!!

Also read it here!
                                                                            XOXO

WARNING SIGNS OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP YOU SHOULD NOT IGNORE Part 2

Hello foxxy mamas and here is the continuation to yesterday's post, because you already know what we talked about here, let's get right into it....

Entitlement
The toxic person will feel entitled to do and have whatever he wants regardless of your feelings or the moral implications. They have an absolute right to do whatever they want and if you disobey or violate them then they will feel they also have the right to punish you however they deem fit.
You, on the other hand,, have no right to put up a fight, or even to leave them because of their mistreatment. You are to stay put in order to avoid even more punishment.

The Waitress Test
The general rule this term implies is that the way your love interest treats waitresses and other random and neutral people of the opposite sex is the way they will start to treat you in six months once the honeymoon phase is over. This period will have served its purpose to his usefulness of you to him and he is now on his way to conquer others so you fall by the wayside.
Because the good nature a psychopath shows is only a facade, it will disappear as soon as your perceived utility is done.

Jekyll & Hyde, Night & Day

The toxic individual is basically a Jekyll and Hyde who uses his good side to attract victims while the bad ugly side is his true self, and which becomes more dominant over time and to those in intimate contact with him. As such some people will say he is an angel while others say he is a demon.
Listen to your intuition if you suspect anything, and see how your partner reacts when you express different needs and opinions and exercise your individuality, bearing in mind that a psychopath will eventually let his true colors out over extended intimate contact.

Walking on Eggshells
When dealing with a toxic person, you find yourself taking extra care on what you do and say, how you dress and relate to other people, and just about everything else you do because you don't know what will trigger their hostility and detachment to you, or some other of their 'punishments' to you.

They Gaslight You
When your partner lies to you to the point that you start doubting your reality then discourages and belittles you until you lose your self-confidence, they are toxic and their next move is to mistreat you until you lash out in the most crazy fashion possible. Remember all the gas-lighting we talked about here.
The toxic individual will put you in a combat situation and your reaction will be used to judge you, harshly, as no one else around you can see the war going on, save for the individuals they may be cheating on you with and such so save your sanity and yourself in this situation; get out.

Your Feelings Do Not Matter
The narcissistic psychopath will only flatter you so they can use and abuse you in the long term because their selfishness is absolute. They are so self-worshipping that others' feelings are completely worthless to them and their capacity for evil comes from their inability to respect others as fellow human beings with independent needs; they only exist to serve their purpose in the designated spots they have for them in their lives.
This person will be really hostile when faced with criticism and reacts with anger whenever their behavior is questioned or disapproved.

Your Friends And Family Do Not Like Them
This is because they are outside, and have an objective view of the situation. In the beginning they might like your partner but as they observe the progression they will grow cold and try to tell you, to which your partner will respond as a disapproval of you and not them by your friends and family.
As they alienate you and make you a version of yourself they cannot recognize, your partner will use this to pit you against them and make them seem like the villains, which will make your alienation almost your own intention.


Past Behavior
A person's past is a great and almost always accurate indicator of their future behavior although sometimes, people change when they put in genuine and consistent effort. A toxic person however will never change as his true nature is damaging and so generally if they have cheated on and/or abused their partners in the past, what you are about to be is no exception so take care.
They will have a 'don't take anything from nobody' attitude and their consistent bad behaviors are down to their lack of character and not their partners, as they would have you believe.

Never Good Enough
In a toxic relationship, nothing you do is ever good enough for your partner; there will always be a new hoop to ump through while the bar keeps getting set higher and higher each time. Once the honeymoon phase is over, you don't support him enough, you don't express yourself well enough, you don't dress well enough, and so on and so forth so eventually they begin letting you know both in words and actions that you are very lucky to be with them as nobody else would want you.

Control Issues

The toxic partner wants you to focus everything you have on them and insist on accompanying you to individual activities so you are constantly in their sight. They may shower you with gifts and money but this is not out of genuine appreciation for you; more in order to discourage you from having to go outside and work out of the house.
The aim of this is in order to keep you from taking part in activities or fun that they are not in complete control of. This goes as far as breakups are involved, and the toxic partner will drop you without a second thought when it is on their terms but when the other party initiates the breakup, they beg and plead and as a last resort use violence to keep you fro leaving, and if you stay their behaviors towards you only get worse.

Quick Attachments
Due to their shallow emotions, toxic partners are really quick to commit to you typically in a few short weeks starting to say they love you and even propose to move in together or get married. They shower you with gifts, promises, and flattery, and convince you that you are 'the one'. This red flag is true because normal people need time to develop a real relationship because there is a lot at stake, but not toxic individuals, who are only trying to get you into their lives so they can go ahead with their main agenda.
As they say 'easy come, easy go', this type of person will be really fast in latching on to you but also be really fast in detaching from you to pursue the next interest.

This is all I have read up on toxic relationships, and I have become an expert at it partly due to being in one for the longest time. So why do I stay in this hell of a relationship myself? Join me next time as I examine the reasons why I do this, and why countless other people probably also do. Till then, stay foxxxy!

Also read it over here!
                                                              XOXO

WARNING SIGNS OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP YOU SHOULD NOT IGNORE Part 1

A pencil and sharpening

As illustrated by this image of a sharpened coloured pencil on the right, a dangerous relationship will act as a sharpener, not in the lovely way in that it leaves you 'sharper and more focussed' but in that it will frustrate you and leave you spent and hopeless.

Your intuition is there for a reason and as such you should listen to it when it whispers to you, "get the hell out now" and save yourself a potential heartbreak episode.

So today I have outlined a few red flags that you should absolutely not ignore regarding a dangerous relationship; signs that will shine through even the rosiest coloured glasses of a new found romance or dating stage. Because there's so much to write on this topic, I will split the post up in two and will upload the second half of it in my next post.

The Scary Temper
When they resort to indirect violence when angry by throwing things, breaking objects, and punching solid walls, know that this is a display of what they can do to you, and they want you to know it, and you will experience it sooner or later unless you never, ever make them angry and is that really possible?
This intimidation technique also serves to habituate the partner to acts of violence so they can grow comfortable and think that this is normal behavior in any relationship.

Hurting You on Purpose
They might criticize you, twist your arm, pull your hair, destroy your stuff, and eventually get to escalated levels of abuse, so you should get out the moment you see any of these signs because it only gets worse from there and before you know it you are being physically abused or worse yet, getting killed.

Animal Hater
This sounds like a non-issue but hear me out: animals often go along to get along with us and unless we hurt them, they are ok with us so if your partner kicks cats in the house and throws rocks at random dogs, watch out because this juvenile behavior is a sign of deep-seated mental issues and rest assured you will see how bad it can get when you cross them and get on the receiving end.

The Literal Baby

This one wants you to take care of his undeveloped and malformed self as he won't do it himself, and his mother also did not or could not do it. Be wary of this one though because he will draw in the care-giving type of woman, most women actually, and then he will have so much need that it consumes you trying to take care of him.
No grown adult should expect someone else to be responsible for his habits, emotions, misbehaviors, etc so get out before you get drained.

Overly Controlling
They want to have the final say on everything from when you can visit your friends and family, which of them you can see and all to what outfit you leave the house in. To this effect they may use indirect hints and statements like 'that dress really brings your tummy out' or be more direct but whichever the case, you will rarely get approval for your compliance and even if it does come it is a half-hearted 'that's better', no more.

The Killer of Confidence
Although toxic people like short flings because of the promise of variety and new thrills and having large numbers of people around them, they sometimes get into long-term commitments on a target they might deem a challenge. As it is sometimes difficult to control a strong and sober mind, they trade in their extreme flattery for terrible critisism.
They will correct every slight mistake you make so you feel unintelligent, below average and constantly on the defensive. Once your esteem starts to drop and you feel as though you are always doing something wrong, they will treat you badly in a way to imply you deserve it and this erosion of your confidence will turn you into a shadow of yourself befor long.
This brings to mind the conversion of a pretty, eductaed, and much-loved news anchor some years ago by some kind of foreign 'pastor'. Her case was so extreme that she denounced her parents, and continued living with this man even after reports of the death of her son in mysterious circumstances surfaced.

Cycles of Bitter and Sweet
A psycho is incapable of keeping long relationships if he is constantly his true mean, ugly-natured self so he punctuates his evil with occasional good, sweet deeds. This keeps the partner hoping to receive this reward again, and trying to find the super secret to enable them get this good treatment again and again, and although it will keep recurring, it is only meant to keep you hooked but is not a representation of the true intentions of the psycho.

The Blame Game Expert
Your partner never takes responsibility for their misdeeds, and when he doesn't deny his mistakes, he turns it around and finds a way to blame you for it. He hit you? Only because you provoked him. He cheated on you? You are imagining things and reading things into something that does not exist.
No dirt can stick on this one and if for a moment you expect him to take responsibility for his actions then you are in for a shock. He never, ever does.

Public Displays of  Embarrassment

Because he cannot build a physical prison around you, he will build a psychological one by putting you down in public by reducing your sociability and eliminating all positive human contact from your life. He will lash out, call you names, and say rude and embarrassing things to you in public, like a time we were at a party and my resident psycho decided to drag me around the room full of revelers to which I responded by laughing in order to avoid causing a scene at all costs. Another time he twisted my arm while we were walking in the street and as I did not know then what I know now, I accepted his explanation that it was a joke.
If you stay long enough in this relationship you will find yourself smiling and being polite to him in public, if anything to allay the 'punishment' that by now you have no doubt he will deliver and he will have successfully converted strong and proud you into his doormat.

So today I break here, join me tomorrow for the rest of the post; and until then, avoid psychos and stay foxxy!!

Also read here!
                                                              XOXO

HOW TO KNOW IF YOU ARE WITH A NARCISSIST

Hazard, not the footballer though...

The biohazard warning is very necessary in this case, because I am about to tell you about an extremely toxic character that you may encounter in a relationship and I do hope this warning will not go ignored.

Emotional manipulation is what a narcissist does, and it is extremely draining to the recipient who becomes disoriented in life and most of the time loses faith in love and in humanity if they finally get out of this situation.

Following below are the signs that you should look out for to be sure that you do not end up with a narcissist; and keep in mind that someone may tick one or two, but the more signs that they have then the more likely and the worse of a narcissist they are, so all the best in dealing with them...

They Isolate You From Family And Friends
If whenever you want to visit or call a friend or family to catch up and maybe find out how they are doing it becomes reason for a fight or a sulk, then watch out. The narcissist will not want you to be happy in your comfortable circle of friends but will want you to only rely on them alone, make them your world so to speak.
They know that your family and friends have the special sight that is afforded by being objective and so will spot things that you will not, early warning signs per se. So if it is always an issue when you need some time with your people then pay close attention before you get drawn in into the unrelenting misery of being with a narcissist.

They Give You The Silent Treatment
You have barely any idea that you have done something wrong, or you know that you have, but did not know it was this bad, yet he will keep himself busy on his phone/laptop/tv whatever and act as if you don't exist. You ask questions and get no response and eventually you get tired of this crap and just apologize so it can end. The narcissist will keep doing this until it becomes a habit for you to apologize when he goes silent, even when he is the one on the wrong and your 'crime' is pointing this out...

They Are Always The Victim
The narcissist will always find a way to get into the victim mode; they cheat, and it's because you were ignoring them or they were frustrated or their mother looked at them wrong when they were a toddler. 
Anything works,and they never get tired of it, a working example is how I saw an incriminating text on my boyfriend's phone the other day, and his response when he realized I was not taking silence was that I always look for trouble and as I wanted to know who he was talking to, he refused to say because 'regardless of what he said or didn't say I would be mad'.
He implied there was a reasonable and acceptable explanation for this but he wasn't giving it to me because I wanted to get mad and so I would do so no matter what he told me, and he stuck to that despite it not earning him the sympathy he wanted from me.
The narcissist will always try to find a way to make you think their bad behavior is a result of third parties, most often you, so be wary of this.

They Project Their Shortcomings Onto You
I have a lot of working examples on this narcissist behavior so here is one from as recently as yesterday; a conversation we had after meeting with a client:
I asked him "so how did the meeting go?" because I had been outside while they talked.
Sulking, he responded "he is complicated, and I had told you to put a flat roof on that drawing"

I was extremely taken aback because I remembered him expressly saying the client had decided on the pitched roof, and despite my having provided a version with the flat roof, he told me to make it pitched so I told him it would take me at least a day to complete and he said he would revert to the client. At the final moment before the work was printed, I asked him to look at it, and he suggested that I change the orientation of the roof on the page as it seemed a bit squeezed where I placed it, but I told him there was no point for that as I needed the space to put in a site plan and septic details, so he said ok and actually printed them himself.

Now I hope you can understand the disbelief I was in when he blamed me for the client getting mad at him and accused me of not following his instruction to put a flat roof in as the client wanted when he had told me otherwise.
Needless to say we had a really big fight after that but he stuck to his guns. This is therefore a landmark behavior of the narcissist, and he will employ it often because he feels that sh*t can't stick on him.

They Give You Lip Service
"Hey will you fix the bathroom light as the guests will arrive in the afternoon?"
Silence.
"... will you fix the bathroom light before the guests arrive?"
"I said I will" and he returns to whatever he was doing, never giving you a single glance.
The narcissist will give you this kind of lip service for pretty much everything you ask of him, and act as though he's a sulky teenager being forced to do something and when you make the mistake of asking why he does this he will either sulk some more, or accuse you of using 'the wrong tone to ask', which is what my resident narcissist does.

They Are Extremely Competitive
So you are good at something? He will try to beat you at it or point out the errors in the way you do it so you geel you are not so good at it after all. If you write, he will pick it up as a hobby to show you he can be good at it and if you draw well, he will tell you of all the awesome drawings he has done over time. This competetive streak will be of abnormal levels and he will aways end up making you see that whatever you can do, he can also do, and probably be better at it than you are.

evil exes

Their Exes Are Always One Bad Thing Or The Other
They broke up with their ex because he/she was too clingy, or they never carried their weight in the relationship, or they had mommy/daddy issues, always something or the other, but it was never ever their fault because they are perfect, and they will accuse you of feeling perfect or expecting them to be perfect when you have a fight with them over their mental issues so there is no winning here.

You Are Never Good Enough For Them
You cooked steak for them? It's ok but they feel it is a bit too salty, and that cake you baked is ever so slightly undercooked. You do not clean up well after yourself (even if the environment they grew up in says their OCD is a mere myth) and you are not such a great mom to your kids because you often lose patience with them.
When you get sick of this and ask them whether they want to give it a hand and maybe show you by example how to do it best or at least give you a hand so you are better at it, they will hastily respond that it is not their responsibility and you should know how to be good all by yourself like other people.
They diminish your worth of self and work really hard at making you loathe yourself so you feel as if they are really good to you despite their mental torture of you, and imply that they are doing tou a great big favor by letting you stay on with them.

They Punish You For Defying Them
If they ask for bread and you deliver sconce, they will sulk, give you silence and lip service and generally be a headache, getting you to work overtime at trying to ensure they get back ok and you lift their spirits, and this applies to just about anything.
If for instance he asks to get intimate in a certain way and for some reason you don't want that or you can't, he will give a loathsome performance then accuse you of never meeting his needs. Remember that it is never about you but them; you are in his life solely to prop him and make things easier for him so do this or face his psychological warfare.

They Try Turning You Against Others
'So and so said this about you', or 'your friend doesn't really think you are ok, she let it slip a while ago', or even 'your sister doesn't like that dress you wore to her wedding, she just says it to fool you' and so on and so forth. 
This tool is employed by the narcissist so that the rare and random acts of kindness that he gives you seem true, and make him look less of a monster than he is and he keeps you hooked because if you have no one else to turn to, who are you going to believe is after your best interests but him?

They Expect Of You What They Just Can't/Won't Do
They want you to keep the house spick and span but they refuse to clean up after themselves even when that is all they have to do. They want you to take care of the kids, clean them, feed them, and entertain them but they will do this for mere minutes before they call for you to take them back. There are countless instances of this but the payoff is the same; you must be great at everything, but they cannot and should not be expected to do/be the same, as my resident narcissist puts it; "I am just trying to make you into a better version of you as I want the best for you in life".
Yea right.

Also read over here!
                                                               XOXO

DIRTY GENES: PART TWO

Foxxy

Apologies for the long break, foxxy mamas! I do trust that you have all been well…. So where were we last time, something about dirty genes and stuff, right? Well today’s post is about more of that; the tale of more errant texts and such so buckle up and let’s gooooo! Haha…

You would think that when someone is in the dog house they have better vision with which to see the error of their ways but not this one. Keep in mind that the previous time, the reason for the dog house in the first place, was an occurrence on a fresh scar… 

Three full weeks of trying to get things in order then boom! “unapangaje kuhusu zile ndoo za bag”. What the hell even, lol. 

So this was a text that got delivered at a point we were trying to get data going and all, so I had his phone and he had mine as I had data but a ‘kaduda’ phone while he had a smart phone but no data. I made a mental note to ask him about it and make some fun of the spellings but forgot so that was that, until of course I had his phone again and was flipping through the texts to find out what it was I was to roast him about when I saw that the conversation in question had reproduced, with his responses that is… 

“Hi nakumbuka.. I will organize it” then “If possible please text me with a different number. Thx (smiley)” and the response came “please do coz nataka kwendea stock weekend”. His response was a thumbs up emoji.

teren teren...

At this point my inner FBI comes out and I wonder why text with a different number though? Hhmmm? As he was out at the time, I wait patiently until he returns, then calmly I ask him about the text to do with bags and ‘ndoo’ lol, why am I even dignifying this … His response, silence, then “It was a wrong number so I called later to find out who it was but found that I did not know the person.”

So I tell him his response on phone cannot be a viable exchange in this matter as I was not there at the time, but his text certainly did not imply it was a wrong number as he said. Also, why tell them to text with a different number? What’s wrong with this one?

Silence.

I ask again, get more silence, again, yet more silence, until I get furious, which is exactly what he wants and though I know it I cannot help but give it to him.

“Do you think ignoring me will end the problem? I want an answer and get it over with. This is the juicy tilapia he was fishing for.

“With you it can never be over, and regardless of what I say or don’t say you will get angry” etc etc…

This again, really??? Of course I get angrier and he goes permanently quiet, I speak all the words in my head until I have none left but the anger is still there.

He has won this one for now, and once we get to the house as we were out on an errand he takes the ipad and plays games on it, while simultaneously listening to some cartoon via earphones on his laptop. 

He just had to steal the show didn’t he? Well no worry, the kids are both sound asleep in their designated beds so I go into the bedroom with a large mug of tea and lock the door.

He can sleep on his laptop tonight.

Idiot.

                                                                      XO

LOVE IS FOR THE WEAK

I do sincerely hope that one day I will be able to write down a lovey dovey piece dripping with hearts and roses, and actually wish that today had been that day but until then, let the hatred flow haha...

So anyway, the title might sound a bit sensational; even for my taste, but hear me out as I put my logic in order. I came to this conclusion a while ago from the happenings that went on in my relationship so it is on a lot of observations that I place my post....

A few years ago I took the Myers Briggs Personality sorter test and emerged as an IN-- (scratch to reveal haha), and a concerned friend also filled it for me based on how she knew me and got the same results. If you haven't heard of it then look it up, or google MBTI and find the relevant page where you can take a similar test and find your personality type.

The thing is that it goes into great detail of different personalities and groups them according to four main characteristics etc etc, please just google it......

The reason why I bring this up right now is because for all my life I thought something was wrong with me (most likely with everyone else though haha) but this thing made me understand I am not sick and there is a reason I am how I am. Growing up with visions of a large house atop a large hill where I lived all alone as opposed to a large wedding with a large dress and large family started to seem normal and I am really glad for that because it helped me stay sane.

So on to this post, living with a  manipulative gaslighter is nerve-racking and I am glad for the recovery, so now I outline my reasons for the heading; analyzing the behavioral changes I went through to a point of almost losing myself.

I started to see the point of mushy messages and silly notes to the significant other while I have always thought them to be a waste of time because, well, extra toppings are not really my thing. It was cute when I saw couples holding hands and doing other couply things then fight and cry and go round in circles and so on but it did not make sense to me but suddenly, here I was.....

I have always has a set of standards practically set in stone, with little wiggle room for human error but now here I was; compromising; doing chores while pregnant though I was in terrible pain, and letting random suggestive conversation, texts and whatsapp go by me, then deciding to forgive after the first affair, and the second one, wow....

I started to lose myself, the little things at first then bigger things as we progressed; my fashion sense was too loud and unnecessary, I was not as good at basic grammar and math, the causes I stood for were needless and my ambitions unattainable and so it went, until I was not as sure as I usually was about myself anymore. The seed of doubt had been planted.

My resolve in life weakened a lot, and it got so easy to push me around to doing things that I really did  not want to do like having a wild night out with some strange unsavory friends, quietly listening to crude jokes that were honestly an insult to my being and other small occurrences of peer pressure, but they added up to a lot.

My esteem took a dive as his was also failing because you see the thing with loving a manipulative loser is that it drains you as you are constantly sympathetic with them and trying to prop them up, while they are trying just as hard to drag you down to wallow in self-pity like them; maybe so that you do not leave them for someone better, or so that you do not realize what they are doing and you end up under their sick mind control.

Looking good was no longer such a priority because I had to cook, clean, and take care of the tots practically all by myself especially on days when his mother required him to run some errand for him. By the time I finally got a nanny, I was so used to the punishment that it was easier to roll over and play dead for a while before the pain came back with renewed energy.
Except that it didn't and my exercise and nice clothes took a back seat because even when I looked good, I got no complements, just an occasional raised eyebrow. Plus I was pretty much at the top of my game when I got cheated on so what was the point really. I forgot that looking good led to feeling good, and from there it trickled down to all other areas of life.

I stopped loving myself because between the kids, my mom, and him, I was spread the thinnest I could possibly be and so I put myself on hold. Music to lift my spirits lost its place because he felt like I was 'shutting him out' when I was plugged in to my ipod even if he was doing something else at the time. It was impossible to be a whole person so I just stopped.

I actually apologized when he cheated the second time and to be honest this just has to take the cake because honestly, what?! I was so broken by this point that when I started to raise hell and got the silent treatment, I immediately feared being punished for 'getting out of line' and could not deal with his passive punishments of rude and heartless comments, lip service, and emotional cold war so it felt better to allay that by apologizing.
I outdid myself on this one because if anything, this one landmark served to show how so desperate I was for his acknowledgement and was fine with eating the crumbs that fell from his high table. So right now at the point where we are, with everything broken down and all, how can I not blame myself?
To date he has never actually apologized for that act yet here I still am, waiting for water to flow from a rock really because even on confronting him about it he acknowledged he did not say any words like 'sorry about that', and he never ever did. I feel really sad about this whole situation, but what I feel more is anger that has come from a place in me so deep that I had no idea anything lived there.

                   
                                                                        XOXO