LOVE IS FOR THE WEAK

I do sincerely hope that one day I will be able to write down a lovey dovey piece dripping with hearts and roses, and actually wish that today had been that day but until then, let the hatred flow haha...

So anyway, the title might sound a bit sensational; even for my taste, but hear me out as I put my logic in order. I came to this conclusion a while ago from the happenings that went on in my relationship so it is on a lot of observations that I place my post....

A few years ago I took the Myers Briggs Personality sorter test and emerged as an IN-- (scratch to reveal haha), and a concerned friend also filled it for me based on how she knew me and got the same results. If you haven't heard of it then look it up, or google MBTI and find the relevant page where you can take a similar test and find your personality type.

The thing is that it goes into great detail of different personalities and groups them according to four main characteristics etc etc, please just google it......

The reason why I bring this up right now is because for all my life I thought something was wrong with me (most likely with everyone else though haha) but this thing made me understand I am not sick and there is a reason I am how I am. Growing up with visions of a large house atop a large hill where I lived all alone as opposed to a large wedding with a large dress and large family started to seem normal and I am really glad for that because it helped me stay sane.

So on to this post, living with a  manipulative gaslighter is nerve-racking and I am glad for the recovery, so now I outline my reasons for the heading; analyzing the behavioral changes I went through to a point of almost losing myself.

I started to see the point of mushy messages and silly notes to the significant other while I have always thought them to be a waste of time because, well, extra toppings are not really my thing. It was cute when I saw couples holding hands and doing other couply things then fight and cry and go round in circles and so on but it did not make sense to me but suddenly, here I was.....

I have always has a set of standards practically set in stone, with little wiggle room for human error but now here I was; compromising; doing chores while pregnant though I was in terrible pain, and letting random suggestive conversation, texts and whatsapp go by me, then deciding to forgive after the first affair, and the second one, wow....

I started to lose myself, the little things at first then bigger things as we progressed; my fashion sense was too loud and unnecessary, I was not as good at basic grammar and math, the causes I stood for were needless and my ambitions unattainable and so it went, until I was not as sure as I usually was about myself anymore. The seed of doubt had been planted.

My resolve in life weakened a lot, and it got so easy to push me around to doing things that I really did  not want to do like having a wild night out with some strange unsavory friends, quietly listening to crude jokes that were honestly an insult to my being and other small occurrences of peer pressure, but they added up to a lot.

My esteem took a dive as his was also failing because you see the thing with loving a manipulative loser is that it drains you as you are constantly sympathetic with them and trying to prop them up, while they are trying just as hard to drag you down to wallow in self-pity like them; maybe so that you do not leave them for someone better, or so that you do not realize what they are doing and you end up under their sick mind control.

Looking good was no longer such a priority because I had to cook, clean, and take care of the tots practically all by myself especially on days when his mother required him to run some errand for him. By the time I finally got a nanny, I was so used to the punishment that it was easier to roll over and play dead for a while before the pain came back with renewed energy.
Except that it didn't and my exercise and nice clothes took a back seat because even when I looked good, I got no complements, just an occasional raised eyebrow. Plus I was pretty much at the top of my game when I got cheated on so what was the point really. I forgot that looking good led to feeling good, and from there it trickled down to all other areas of life.

I stopped loving myself because between the kids, my mom, and him, I was spread the thinnest I could possibly be and so I put myself on hold. Music to lift my spirits lost its place because he felt like I was 'shutting him out' when I was plugged in to my ipod even if he was doing something else at the time. It was impossible to be a whole person so I just stopped.

I actually apologized when he cheated the second time and to be honest this just has to take the cake because honestly, what?! I was so broken by this point that when I started to raise hell and got the silent treatment, I immediately feared being punished for 'getting out of line' and could not deal with his passive punishments of rude and heartless comments, lip service, and emotional cold war so it felt better to allay that by apologizing.
I outdid myself on this one because if anything, this one landmark served to show how so desperate I was for his acknowledgement and was fine with eating the crumbs that fell from his high table. So right now at the point where we are, with everything broken down and all, how can I not blame myself?
To date he has never actually apologized for that act yet here I still am, waiting for water to flow from a rock really because even on confronting him about it he acknowledged he did not say any words like 'sorry about that', and he never ever did. I feel really sad about this whole situation, but what I feel more is anger that has come from a place in me so deep that I had no idea anything lived there.

                   
                                                                        XOXO