I was finally free to live, and dream, and make plans of a future that I had crafted in my mind of lazy days when I did not have to cook or clean for a person that generally treated me as a second-grade citizen.
The only problem with my dream was that it needed finance to materialize, for without money what would I do about rent, food, etc, etc? It dawned on me that in order to make my dream into a reality I would need to get money somehow, and the more I thought about it the better I saw that money was the main tool of my enslavement for without it, it would be so hard to control me.
I now understood why in the past he had no issues with me footing bills, some of them his, and took with open arms what little money I had when I offered to him to start his ventures, fix his car, get some bill, etc. Hindsight is 20/20 they say, and in my case it is just too true, and painfully so.
I bought him phones, and some random stuff, fixed them when they broke, then when he got tired of them he sold them and kept the money, and when I asked him about it he shrugged it off. Once, he acted nice, offered to pay me back whatever he owed me a little at a time, but when we had no food in the house or needed to sort the rent then guess who got it.....
The little things started to add up and I could not have felt more stupid than I did at that time, and then it started happening again: 'ring, ring' at some funny hours, and his phone became gluey, never leaving his hand in my sight. At some point in a very random way I got the revelation though. My little son came running to me with the cursed phone in his hand.'Mommy, skiaa', he yells in toddler glee, imploring me to play him his currently favorite song, 'mans not hot', which he calls 'skiaa'.
'Ok, ok, calm down, I'm playing it', I tell him as he hands me the phone upon the unlocking of which I find myself in the messages section. Familiar name in the chat at the top of the thread but I can't really place it, curse this baby brain. I press the home button repeatedly as it seems the phone is hanged on that page and just as it disappears, I see something strange for a chat.
'So do I bring it home?'
Pull up, selector; rewind.
I hurriedly click on the messages icon over my toddlers impatient screams and read the whole chat, just seven or eight messages long, and it is obvious it has been deleted , some of the earlier communication at least, but what is left is still very incriminating. Since I have known for a long time that anger and rash decisions are a recipe for disaster, I calmly drink my now tasteless tea until I get the chance to perform a follow-up.
'I have seen some chat on your phone which gives me reason to suspect all is not well as you claimed when we talked'. To my surprise, he responds calmly with 'do we talk here?'
Wow, so whatever it is it might lead to a verbal fight that we cannot have in front of the kids or in earshot of the nanny. Wow, wow, wow.
'Ok, let's go outside because baby will follow us to our room and it will be difficult to talk or listen', I say and head outside, bracing myself for how dumb I will be feeling in about five minutes.
You see, we had talked about his cheating in the past, and he swore the kids and I meant too much to him to lose over some strange chick, and we had talked for days, literally. So I was honestly confused at the nerve that the animal had, just days after the 'peace-making dialogue' and he was at it again.
Anyway, where were we.....
'So who is she?' I ask a little impatiently and he takes his sweet time to come up with a response. 'Do you remember a time I told you about a lady who had asked me for a lift?' I nod my head in agreement and he continues, 'well she reached out to me again....'
I cut him off at this point with horror filling my head, 'Is this the same one from whom I saw some whatsapp messages about two weeks ago?' 'Yes, the same one', he responds,
I recall I had brushed the first instance off, and when I saw the same name again I asked about it about which he said he had no interest in her, she was the one talking to him. Honestly how many times will I fall for this crap? I have gotten over the hurt from the past, right now I am just angry.
'She said that she had a job she would like me to do for her at the county offices, so I was talking to her concerning that'. 'Really now? When else do you run petty errands for clients and meet with them at home on Sundays, also notifying them when you will meet them with me in tow so they have time to change their minds?'
'Sometimes I do that and you know it'.
I wish I could part the ground like Moses parted water and push him into the resulting crack, and a vision of the Mahi Mahiu rifts occupies my head for a while but I brush it off. So after we talked, and after I asked you about this very lady and you claimed to have nothing going on then this? Really??'
'You know what? Just call her and go marry her, I'm sorry for spoiling your plans as you were to meet her at one p.m. and it's already half past. Call her up and if you want I will apologize to her for keeping you while you should have been meeting with her'.
I storm off into the house and pour an angry cup of tea which I drink in a rage. A very calm rage, which is one of the things that becoming a mother teaches you; to keep your anger and destruction on level one. I am so angry that I laugh and baby thinks it must be a good time to laugh so he joins me with a hearty laugh, which I echo back and soon we are laughing very genuinely over nothing at all, and this thought makes the situation funnier.
So I go to the kitchen to prepare a meal for the kids and he finds me there, asks me if we can talk, and after thinking about it I oblige and go to the room where he regales me with a tale of how she means nothing to him, and the other times I believe him when he tells me this so why am I like this today, and I tell him today is not the first time he cheated nor is it the second. He thinks for a moment and I take this gap to tell him that the chance I had told him I had given him is coming to a close today.
He says that since it seems I have already made up my mind about things then there is no point to talk and I agree, on which he says that he just wanted to let me know the truth so will I give him the time to, and I also agree to this because they are just words he's going to tell me, and empty ones at that. I am just so worn out from his bullshit and wonder how blind he is that he can't see that.
In retrospect I think that the 'Mama Racheal' story, which I had though to fake because no one man can be that daft and blind, might be true after all. I curse the day I met this asshole because now thanks to being stupid in love with him, I have two kids, no reasonable source of income, and almost nil savings in my account.
It seems the dream I woke up with is a nightmare in disguise, and I wish I could just go to sleep again and wake up to a version of reality in which he does not exist, because in this one moment in time I hate him so much I can not think of one single punishment that would be enough to cover his crap. And so it goes.....
See you next time my lovely foxxes, and I hope that by then I will have figured a way out without committing a crime, haha
XOXO
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