PICTURE-PERFECT RELATIONSHIPS, AKA 'COUPLE GOALS'

Hello darlings! I trust you have all kept well, loving even if treated unkind, and  healthy even if broke lol....
So early this week, thanks to the internet and a bunch of sleepless neighbors, we were served some drama when a prominent vlogging couple had a nasty breakup, or extension of a breakup, and got some text and even video evidence of the goings-on.
This made me want to write about those picture-perfect couples we all have seen at some point of our lives (especially on social media), or even have the pleasure of knowing personally. Although there is no such thing as a perfect union of any kind, we are all really easy to deceive and find ourselves typing fast 'couple goals' on pictures of people whom we have never ever met just based on what they share online.
As either a victim or ambassador (depending on where you stand) of being idolized as a perfect couple member myself, I'm here to tell you that the fights are bitter, and the compromise needed is out of this world.
Contrary to popular belief, we do not always split the tab and the house chores, neither do we find ourselves completing each other's sentences and being synchronous in everything we do.

Sometimes he wants left while I want right, and others he won't eat dagaa yet it may be all I'm craving for.
Other times he will refuse to help out with some duty when I'm feeling too unwell to do it, or even act up a storm if I ask him to help, and I in turn will archive this to torment him with days, weeks, or even months after the event, at my own pleasure.
Outside, people see us stepping aside for the other to pass, or calmly arguing about some issue or other with healthy attitudes and hearty smiles, and for some reason they think that we carry this to our home and stay like that from sun up to sun down.
This is honestly not even possible to say the truth, because we are two different people with different backgrounds and upbringing, different opinions and even different hormones flowing through us, of variable concentrations and combinations, so stress will affect us differently, for instance.
I cannot even start to say how difficult it is when I'm pregnant or we are going through some financial issue or just generally under pressure from life;we borderline turn into animals and the house becomes a multi-room fight club.
When the kids are around and/or awake though, we try very hard to disagree amicably; so hard, in fact, that it is becoming a kind of second nature to us to have a diplomatic fight without raising our voices or lifting our fists against each other. Personally I grew up

in a home where my parents fought plenty, openly, and no holds barred, though never physically but verbally and up to this day, I can't stand being yelled at and being in an environment where people are yelling at each other stresses me tf out.
I do not want to put my kids through this, and fortunately, neither does he, so for this I am lucky-we all are, because we have relative peace of mind while at home, and even if the two of us are fighting, it becomes very exhausting to keep switching from angry to happy, back to fight mode then again play mode. Over time, I hope we will be able to stop altogether, but I am not disillusioned enough to imagine that our seas will be permanently calm.
Still, I keep praying for the best.
I believe that it is this kind of irrational thinking that has pushed the divorce rates through the roof, the thinking that one can find a spouse that will never be angry, will always be supportive, and will never be broke (lol for that one especially). It is not even that they grew up in perfect households, and they are not perfect themselves, but they seem to think that they can have a tv-kind of person, and it saddens me to say that girls and ladies are the worst afflicted.
It is so bad that I had a friend who used to tell me that she's 'talking to' about four guys at any given point, and when I asked her how she would feel if the guys were also 'talking to' other ladies, she hesitated before saying that she would not really mind. So then I asked her what her endgame was, and she told me she wanted to settle with one that ticked a majority of her boxes, which included having a car, and for the longest time ever, she would pick a guy then drop him, because according to her 'he was wealthy but didn't have good looks, or he was handsome but didn't drive, or he expected me to stop talking to the other guys'
..etc....
...etc....
....etc....
So eventually I told her she wasn't being realistic, and that she should also realize she had some glaring flaws herself so she can't just hop from boy to guy to boy and so on because eventually she would fail at her own game, and she chastised me, asking me why I was saying that things like driving were not necessarily deal breakers yet when I met and settled for my boyfriend/baby daddy/mzee he was driving.
I wondered if it had been a competition all along, but she went on to tell me that most of her friends

in serious relationships were with driving guys. It didn't seem to change her mind when I told her that he was not driving at the time we met, and we actually got serious a while before he  got the car, and though we stopped arguing at this point, I'm not sure if she heard me. All the same, she eventually settled down with a guy with a car, and a general nice personality, so I was kinda relieved that she had managed to have her cake and eat it too, and yes, there is no tragedy to read about here.
I was a bit careful about talking relationship issues with her after that however, because we were clearly of two very different mind-sets, and we drifted apart since then so apart from the random checking up on her, we don't exactly talk that much.
It just got home to me at that time that females seem to have their priorities messed up, because they will very often choose wealth over charisma, kindness, and even health.
I'm not saying go to the gutters to collect the brokest of the broke, after all guys will also seek out the most attractive female they can find to shack up with, just that you should not dismiss everyone who can't drive you to a black-tie dinner every two weeks because who knows, you may walk everywhere but glow from the unadulterated love you are getting, all while keeping fit.....
That's all I have for today, and I hope that people(women) will stop trying to get impossible ideals while they are themselves very basic and have little to offer besides warmth on a bed. Til next time, stay sane my friends!
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AM I RUNNING OUT OF TIME?

Ok my dear foxxes, I realize I have been asking a lot of questions of late, but I promise that this is the last one, cross my heart (I'm not going to finish that.....)

This is not drama per se, or even advice, just more reflection of life in fact, and a general musing of my feelings(?)

Lately I've become very melancholy, and more up and down than usual, now very happy, then very sad, then suddenly very depressed and hopeless, then calm and carefree the next second.
 It's a Rollercoaster for me and unfortunately I'm taking my kids and family along with me, and I

don't think they like it a lot to be honest. I'm pretty sure it's not the baby blues because the little one is almost a year and a half old, and apart from the cheating drama a while ago and other crap the situation at home is pretty stable.
Also, with my super-nanny around I am free to move around a bit so that is that and I honestly don't know what the problem is.

I have been having a dull ache in my head for a while now though, and at some point it became really bad and though we scheduled an appointment to get a scan done, I chickened out at the last minute.

Right now there's always one reason or other for waking up with a headache though, mostly being that the babies wake me most nights so my quality of sleep is not too good. There is also a lot that I'm trying to get done as well: school, this blog, the babies of course, my career, and not to mention my main family's drama lol (my mom and siblings that is).
When I got the babies, I started planning for their futures (I do a lot of planning and I love it haha). I want to teach them how to bead, how to knit, how to crochet, how to read, how to write, how to garden, how to sew a button on a cloth, how to bake a cake, how to tie a tie, how to express themselves and how to behave in public, how to draw, how to do basically everything I know how to do, better, and more things than I know. I want them to know how to mix science with art and get to their aspirations and always dream big no matter what.

I want to show them how to read between the lines, and to follow their instincts because intuition is our secret super power, those of us who don't let it drown in society's deceit and manufactured lies. I want them to know they are my priority and that I will always be there for them, whatever they need, and no matter how scary I am sometimes haha.

For all of these things, there's a hopelessness at the back of my mind so deep and sincere that I can't get it to move at all. It is starting to feel more and more like I don't have the time to do any of that, and between the scenes of impending doom and loss in my mind, I feel as if I will not be able to.
There is a sense of urgency inside me that I cannot escape, and I'm not sure if it's because I've always been the one to see every possibility, and most of them are grim and doom.

I don't even have the strength to pick fights of late, and it seems that I've become boring when I'm a pushover because there's no brakes anymore, he'll outright say it to my face how some girl we're looking at is very hot, or how another one sounds very intelligent so he's going to follow her on Twitter, how I've gotten older than I was a while ago (*insert a very drawn out 'duuuhh'*) etc etc. All of these are ok and probably true to some extent, but they kinda play on my insecurities, which were all instigated by - you guessed it - his damn cheating and general assholery in the first place....
This is getting out of hand, and I don't know why he thinks he has the right to say things like that to me, and in rapid succession also, not even giving one scar time to heal before adding damage. He really is the type to kick someone who is already down smh.

I'm getting so damn tired of this I swear.

Til next time, peace my foxxy mamis.

                                                                            XO

STILL GASLIGHTING

Hello dears! I wrote about gaslighting a while ago and this morning I was utterly dismayed to wake up to some more of it.
About three days ago I realized I might be a bit toxic myself, based on occurrences from that night and I really went through it, aiding with this revelation were the suicidal thoughts, the immense stress, and a dawning of a weight so heavy I felt I might crumble underneath it. I broke down, and asked for help, but felt I did not get any.
So this morning when I woke up, tired from a home visit that lasted the whole afternoon, I was getting ready to make an effort in seeking out my episodes of toxicity and drowning them. Went to the living room while he was getting ready to leave, with the kids running around, and after some regular, random conversation, I asked him if he would take some tea. He asked, "Tea?
Is there actually tea?
Did you make it or was there someone to make it?"
Strange line of questions, and strange flow too, especially because the nanny makes tea most mornings. He asked these with a smile that felt strange to me, then said "sure, I'll take some".
I found a used cup on the table and assumed it was the nanny's but thought it strange she would just leave it there as we tend to each take our dirty dishes to the sink. I brought clean ones and set them down, and poured the tea.
He went to the bedroom gathering up his stuff, then asked for socks, so I went and got him a pair, then asked him about the tea getting cold, to which he looked at me surprised, asking "what tea? I had mine the first thing when I woke up".

Honestly, what the eff was this now. I looked at him waiting for this sickening joke to be over but that did not happen.
"I asked you if I should pour you some tea, to which you said yes. Before that I had asked you if you had taken tea, and you did not give me a straight answer which is why I asked again in the first place".
Blank stare back at me with a strange expression, developing in the background. "I did not say any of that......."
"You know what, it's ok, never mind and just forget about all of this", I say as I head back to the living room and start pouring his tea back into the flask.
He finds me doing it and asks, "you actually poured out a cup for me?" Surprised now.
I'm honestly not even angry-yet. Just mildly disappointed and I tell him quietly, "you know this is why I ask you to know the right time for playing and when to be serious. You were probably joking when you said it and I didn't catch it so when you moved on from the joke and forgot about it, I did not". I finish  pouring the tea back.

What is happening?
Am I rationalizing his gaslighting and making it out into logic?
And is it for me or for him?
Why is he doing this to me, is it because I broke down that day and made the mistake of telling him about the turmoil in my mind? Because it definitely feels intentional, like he grabbed the knife end stabbing me and gave it a hard twist.

I hear him say he's leaving, but by now I have started retreating into my mind, and feel like I am floating away from this familiar hell. I go to the bedroom and sit down on the edge of the bed and think. My thoughts start to turn dark so I pick my phone up and scroll randomly, then walk around the room, then go and take my tea, by which time he's gone. I walk around the house some more, tidying up a bit as I go, then decide to go to the shops and get some airtime for my phone, and see my tailor also.
At some point I decide to warm the stew because first baby is crying for food, though I know he doesn't actually want it, but then decide to go out first and get back to that when I return because the nanny is doing some cleaning outside.
I go out, chat with the tailor for a while, then come back to a compound smelling mildly of burnt food, and my mind trips some switch.
I run to the kitchen and confirm that I never turned the cooker off so the stew burnt beyond recognition and I curse myself.
I've been so preoccupied with his brazen attempt at gaslighting me that I have kind of switched off real life for a while.
I'm angry and think a lot of dark thoughts, but calm myself down, then carry on picking random stuff up; the kids are being a good kind of distraction, I think.
So now as I sit here writing this I am still reeling from the cold nature of this person that I had children with.
Is he trying to make my already fragile mind break, or is he trying to drive me to kill myself because he doesn't have the nerve to ask me to leave instead? I'm confused, and thinking of taking action before this gets to greater heights and I lose myself, or worse.
Wish me luck in my navigation, and stay Foxxy as ever dears, Chao!
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PERILS OF BEING A SIDE-DISH;DON'T BE DUMB, PLEASE

Ok so hear me out before you call me a bitter and mean spirited woman who hates her fellow women; if you are going to have an affair with a married guy, at least pick a rich one because honestly what are you, in love with him? Female, please.

I am a believer in the sound logic that love is a feeling, and as with other feelings like hunger, anger, joy, grief, etc, you cannot stay in that same state forever, so what do you do when one thing leads to another and your married man gets you pregnant? The options there include, but are not limited to, abort the poor bastard, or get used to the idea of being a single mum because the third option is to blackmail him, but for what - to trade places with his first family?

Lol. 

 Plus if he's wealthy or influential enough he will just have you killed, or his wife will, we've seen this happen all too often after all- the noisy side chick who just discovered her equal rights as a lover is almost always literally not worth her master's reputation. 

They are probably already sick of his shit so if you want to help him carry his cross then go ahead, but this road often only leads to darkness and frustration, plus it is a waste of an otherwise worthwhile and/or lucrative sin so……

I will go out on a limb today and offer some advice to you: If you are cheating, go for a rich guy, it will always be better to supposedly cry in a range rover (better yet if you own it) than to laugh on a bicycle, as the popular hit song says. Money is not happiness but it is certainly a means to an end so as long as you are ‘loving’ someone then make it worth your damn while and do not feel like you will be shamed for it by broke men. 

After all, they always seek out pretty ladies to marry so why the hell do the standards change when women want to get rich guys? It’s more or less the same thing after all.

Another error you could make is getting it on with a guy who has issues because lady, believe me when I say this, if his mother couldn’t fix him and neither could his wife, then you’re getting yourself on a roller coaster of misery. Initially, he will make you believe that you’re fixing him and helping him and you, as a natural-born caregiver, will be very proud of your good work, but soon enough, you will find yourself carrying more and more weight than you bargained for, and the longer you stay the harder it gets to extract yourself from this situation.

A not so well- known thing out there is post natal depression for men; yes it surprised me as well *insert indignation here* because they’re supposed to be this solid, dependable, cornerstone of logic and sanity, right? This group of men is another one that dumb women tend to fall for, because he will either receive, raise, or exchange hell with his significant other at home then go out whining that he’s getting no love at home. 

Since everyone knows how moody a pregnant woman is, and how distracted a new mother is, it will be tempting to believe that he’s the helpless victim of his dragon-like wife at home while in fact you have no idea of what’s happening. Stay with this one, and you will soon be hyperventilating from a double-dose of hormones because he will carry what’s home (where he sleeps a great majority of the time) and add it up with what he has and hand it all over to you.

 There's another kind of man to avoid, and I suppose at this point I should make it clear that all these are different degrees of married men. This one is the 'new-wealth' kind of guy, or 'tenderpreneur' as we affectionately call them around here, often with a curse under our breath. He was a random average guy, but soon came into some fortune or other, and now feels that his breeches no longer fit his so he expands his roost by acquiring a thousand fleas like the mangy dog he is ..

             ********************I think I need to take a deep breath*******************

So ok, now you are all in his pockets; smart, silly, caring, careless, hungry, proud, naive, disillusioned, etc, because he often does not have the time or need to sort you all out and stick to one type. 

While you're here there's a good chance that one of the others will try to perform a take-over and wipe out her competition, as was the case with the recent Kori character, and because none of

you can see the forest for the trees, you will find yourself in a fight of some degree, ranging from petty to death, which will honestly all just be the jingling of loose change in his pockets so whichever one that wins is totally inconsequential because he will toss you all out in a moment or decide to add a few more in-for the variety, you know. 

Bottom line though is that you're all very dispensable to him. So just know your worth, and even if you don't, at least think of the people who actually care for you, like your mother, or father, or even siblings and close friends. Don't throw yourself away like that.

I hope I have made some change in the world with this post, in the positive at least, because of late it is starting to feel like any kind of change is better than stagnancy. I will leave you with that, before I start to ramble, and as usual keep it foxxxy as ever, cheers!

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WHY IS HE ASHAMED TO BE SEEN IN PUBLIC WITH ME?

Hello and welcome back my dears!! You can also find this article over here: https://foxxyma.com/why-is-he-ashamed-to-be-seen-in-public-with-me/
Anyway, it's been hot, dry, and generally terrible over the past few days, and I feel like I'm barely holding on....
Anyway, I mentioned in my last post about hanging out at the boyfriend's office once or twice and getting strange vibes from him so at the end of the day I composed myself and asked him if he feels uncomfortable hanging out with me in public, around his friends etc.
He took a deep breath and I had my answer, so when he finally spoke it I was not particularly surprised.

He said it was not right among his friends to be constantly seen with his girl all the time, as it would deduct points from his man-card and all.
He said, society had made it out to be that the woman stays at home (screwing the gardener, I presume lol) while the man goes out to bring money and food home. If he is

always seen with his woman in tow, the other guys will start to avoid him, as they will feel that he is pu$$y-whipped, and as they avoid him so will the networking opportunities become less available.
I was honestly dismayed because this made sense, and as much as I don't like it that's the way it is.
So I swallowed the hurt and fixed my face and let go of that, but still it makes me feel bad every now and then, because it was not the same case when we were still dating; very few places were out of bounds for me.

Though when I think of it maybe it seemed like that because we were not living in the same damn house, using up each other's air and generally subjecting each other to a lower standard of life lol.
So today's post is like a lamentation of love lost, not due to his misdemeanors and general assholery but due to the society we live in today, in which it's pretty much illegal to spend time with the woman you married or want to marry, yet in a strange twist, it would not be a problem to hang out with a side dish around those same people but would actually give you a higher credit rating among them.
In the words of the dearly departed and much beloved Oliver Mutukudzi, what shall we do?
Well this one blew up, kinda... read it here as well!

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