INTUITION IN RELATIONSHIPS

 Hello mis amigos! I hope you've all been well. The rains are finally here with us and it's so great; the nostalgia that great skies bring to me is just something else....
Anyway, today I'm going to write about the rarely-discussed super power that is intuition. I have actually been asked if I practice some form of witchcraft by some guy because the second he started to dog around I always knew, regardless of how much he changed his tactics and all. I was flattered by that for some strange reason, unfortunately not enough to forgive the scoundrel though so that was that.
So is there anything to the famous 'gut-feeling'? In my experience, there is, so we should learn to tune in to ourselves and make sure we keep it and nurture it, because it can be lost if abused, or used for evil haha....
Needless to say, there are so many advantages to being intuitive in your relationship- you know the couple who's always completing each other's sentences and getting the other what they want/need without them having said it out loud?
That's healthy intuition.
To say the truth, though, there's no unhealthy intuition, but rather toxic unions where one partner feeds the other so much dirt and ill health that the intuitive partner ends up spiritually sick, and this sickness consumes them from within working its way out and eventually poisoning the entire relationship.are untested theories that have up until now not been tested enough or have not yielded worthwhile results.
Unfortunately, I only know how to get into this situation but not really how to get out because so far all that I have
So how do you get here? If you are the intuitive, then you lose touch with your partner when they hurt you so often or so bad that you essentially expel them from your psyche and lock them out, more as a defense mechanism than anything else. Whatever it is that they have done to get you there; be it cheating, gas-lighting, or constantly lying and being undependable, just know that you will get no closure by doing it back to them so that they 'know how you felt'. This will only end up hurting you more, so in the event that you feel you are beyond repair, the greatest favor you can do for yourself is to leave the relationship which may hurt initially, but over time you will heal and things will be sunny again.

If however you are, say, married, and maybe even have kids, the verdict is still out on that one, but one thing that has been great for me is to keep busy with anything and everything- cook, sew, write, make crafts, work out, go back to school etc just do anything that keeps your mind occupied. Of course you have to go back in the evening to the root cause of your problem in which case the anger rises up again like an old injury aches on a cold day but hard as it may be, just avoid any aggression though you may be craving for it. Walk away from any looming confrontation because even if you physically fight to the death, the pain will still be there, and you will have a body to bury on top of all that (bad joke I guess but honestly just get it and laugh or fume and move on, your call).
I realize this post started out about intuition but has spiraled into healing after being cheated on and I'm trying to turn it back around so hear me out, like I said the cold season is here and with it are memories I wish I could bury before they bury me.
When you are not the intuitive one, you can try and be attentive, and I believe you can grow something like 'acquired intuition', if you will, from this. Listen to your partners' words as well as their actions. Do not ever use their feelings against them and of course never ever use something they told you about themselves in confidence in a fight. You may win but you will have become a monster

in their eyes, and honestly it's always so much easier to cause harm than it is to undo it. Also never take the liberty to 'know what they mean' or 'care for their best intentions' when you know you are just soothing your aching ego and salving your sick conscience; for example flirting with someone else in their presence then sheepishly saying when confronted 'I know that turns you on a bit' or 'I like it when you're jealous, it's cute' or 'you know that you're the one I really love'.

Which brings me to something else; show your love; it's never enough to just say it a million times because it loses taste and meaning even on the occasions when it may be true. Don't say you love your partner then cheat on them with their friend or some random office worker you came across just because they are at home and won't know; or even if they know, you're sure that they love you and/or have kids with you so they won't leave anyway. Honestly what the effing eff even.
Don't say you love them if you cannot put their interests before your own, time and again, no matter how trivial they may seem to you.
Don't say you love them then manipulate and gas-light the ever-living hell out of them.
Don't say you love them if you just can't take their feelings and sentiments seriously and you feel as if they are doing and saying things to trap or manipulate you because either way; if they are, you ought to leave them but if they aren't then you're just reflecting your behavior on them and imagine they are acting as you would if in that situation so,uummm, leave yourself.....?
Or love yourself and grow the hell up.

Hear them when they tell you that they don't like it when you take pictures of attractive members of the opposite sex while you're at some social gathering TOGETHER, or when you respond in a 'neutral' way to texts from your  exes or love interests. Just stop it if you love them, and don't try to claim that you would not drive a dagger through their hearts (or hack them to death with an ax in public) because there is really no difference - both ways you kill them.
It's not even a hormonal thing because betrayal hurts all genders, ages, tribes, and religions so if it would hurt if done to you then why do it to the person you're with? Are you the Devil from Eden testing how strong their loyalty is? Because if you are then you should know it will hurt them whatever your justification for it is; just slither back down to hell.
Because it hurts that much more when you claim that you love them.
And then some more when they just happen to believe you and love you back.

What now if you didn't have the common sense to know the above and are now with Bruno Mars; locked out of heaven? I honestly don't know. Pray, maybe. Keep the lines of communication open when they want to talk -while they want to talk, because a time will come when they won't and honestly then that's done.
If you are already at this point when they are not bugging you with 'we need to discuss this and find a way forward', or 'I miss us, and wish we were the way we were before', or even 'do you think we will get through this?', then I guess just leave them; you've already lost them and their physical presence means absolutely nothing.

I hope there was some help here; don't dig yourself a hole you won't be able to climb out of, and conversely if you have been pushed into a shallow grave by your significant other, don't grow cold, ugly, and bitter, there may be someone down the road who will turn all this around, but again don't count on it, just focus on being happy and nice for your own peace of mind and personal satisfaction, no one's worth it in the end....
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STILL GASLIGHTING

Hello dears! I wrote about gaslighting a while ago and this morning I was utterly dismayed to wake up to some more of it.
About three days ago I realized I might be a bit toxic myself, based on occurrences from that night and I really went through it, aiding with this revelation were the suicidal thoughts, the immense stress, and a dawning of a weight so heavy I felt I might crumble underneath it. I broke down, and asked for help, but felt I did not get any.
So this morning when I woke up, tired from a home visit that lasted the whole afternoon, I was getting ready to make an effort in seeking out my episodes of toxicity and drowning them. Went to the living room while he was getting ready to leave, with the kids running around, and after some regular, random conversation, I asked him if he would take some tea. He asked, "Tea?
Is there actually tea?
Did you make it or was there someone to make it?"
Strange line of questions, and strange flow too, especially because the nanny makes tea most mornings. He asked these with a smile that felt strange to me, then said "sure, I'll take some".
I found a used cup on the table and assumed it was the nanny's but thought it strange she would just leave it there as we tend to each take our dirty dishes to the sink. I brought clean ones and set them down, and poured the tea.
He went to the bedroom gathering up his stuff, then asked for socks, so I went and got him a pair, then asked him about the tea getting cold, to which he looked at me surprised, asking "what tea? I had mine the first thing when I woke up".

Honestly, what the eff was this now. I looked at him waiting for this sickening joke to be over but that did not happen.
"I asked you if I should pour you some tea, to which you said yes. Before that I had asked you if you had taken tea, and you did not give me a straight answer which is why I asked again in the first place".
Blank stare back at me with a strange expression, developing in the background. "I did not say any of that......."
"You know what, it's ok, never mind and just forget about all of this", I say as I head back to the living room and start pouring his tea back into the flask.
He finds me doing it and asks, "you actually poured out a cup for me?" Surprised now.
I'm honestly not even angry-yet. Just mildly disappointed and I tell him quietly, "you know this is why I ask you to know the right time for playing and when to be serious. You were probably joking when you said it and I didn't catch it so when you moved on from the joke and forgot about it, I did not". I finish  pouring the tea back.

What is happening?
Am I rationalizing his gaslighting and making it out into logic?
And is it for me or for him?
Why is he doing this to me, is it because I broke down that day and made the mistake of telling him about the turmoil in my mind? Because it definitely feels intentional, like he grabbed the knife end stabbing me and gave it a hard twist.

I hear him say he's leaving, but by now I have started retreating into my mind, and feel like I am floating away from this familiar hell. I go to the bedroom and sit down on the edge of the bed and think. My thoughts start to turn dark so I pick my phone up and scroll randomly, then walk around the room, then go and take my tea, by which time he's gone. I walk around the house some more, tidying up a bit as I go, then decide to go to the shops and get some airtime for my phone, and see my tailor also.
At some point I decide to warm the stew because first baby is crying for food, though I know he doesn't actually want it, but then decide to go out first and get back to that when I return because the nanny is doing some cleaning outside.
I go out, chat with the tailor for a while, then come back to a compound smelling mildly of burnt food, and my mind trips some switch.
I run to the kitchen and confirm that I never turned the cooker off so the stew burnt beyond recognition and I curse myself.
I've been so preoccupied with his brazen attempt at gaslighting me that I have kind of switched off real life for a while.
I'm angry and think a lot of dark thoughts, but calm myself down, then carry on picking random stuff up; the kids are being a good kind of distraction, I think.
So now as I sit here writing this I am still reeling from the cold nature of this person that I had children with.
Is he trying to make my already fragile mind break, or is he trying to drive me to kill myself because he doesn't have the nerve to ask me to leave instead? I'm confused, and thinking of taking action before this gets to greater heights and I lose myself, or worse.
Wish me luck in my navigation, and stay Foxxy as ever dears, Chao!
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OF GOOD INTENTIONS AND GAS-LIGHTING

If you know about the film from 1944 called gaslight then you know exactly what I will be talking about in this here post.
If not, here's a brief definition: to gaslight someone is to gently manipulate them, and coax them to questioning their own sanity.

It might start innocently enough with some simple lies until it gets to the point when you no longer can tell if you are sure about what you say.
 In the film by that name, a man manipulates his wife until she is not sure if she is sane any more. He does this by dimming the gas lights in their home then turning them back up and when she mentions it to him, he tells her that he has no idea of what she is talking about.

Why would anyone do this, you ask? Power is the reason. When someone is successful at it then they hold power over their unsuspecting victim, and this is simply no way for a relationship to be; it is after all a fair equal union as opposed to a hostile take-over.
As a general rule of thumb, love is no longer healthy when it becomes about control, power, and numbing mind-games; and this is the precedent for countless evils that happen in a relationship and leave outsiders wondering whether you have been bewitched to remain in such a cursed union so this is the point you should exit stage left.
Read on below to find out the signs you should look out for to know if your significant other is gaslighting you,; and keep in mind you will have to be very keen because it happens to the best of us and is a lot easier than you may think to fall into this pit.

They Are Totally Charming To Other People
The thing with a person who is manipulating you is that they need others to always take their side in the event anything happens so they are charming, attentive, polite, considerate, and all those other nice things to you, but only when you are in front of people. Things are of course very different when you are by yourselves, as they will ignore and belittle you, convince you that the things you care about are nonsense, and will not support any dreams that you may have.
If you notice this Jekyll and Hyde phenomenon and feel as if no one else can really see the person you are with, it is time to turn your radar up and watch out for any of these other signs.

They Tell You Outright Lies
You know beyond all doubt that this person is lying to you but they stand their ground, why? They are setting the stage so that you will never be sure if anything they say is true, and as long as you are not on guard, then they will amp up their manipulation in some of these following ways.

They Constantly Deny Things They Had Said
"Honey, when will you fix this door? You said you would get to it later in the week and it's Saturday already". "What? I never said anything like that"....
 Even if you have proof of it, they will borderline swear an oath with the Holy Book that they did not say it, and the more they do it, the less sure you become of anything and the more you rely on them to show you the light, which of course they have no intention of doing.

They Use Things You Care About As Weapons
They know of your dreams and aspirations and what they mean to you, and how dear your sister is to you, so they will say things like "you know you're too lazy/slow/inept to be in that line of work", and "your sister is a bad influence on you, do you think your mom will be happy if you leave me like your sister left her spouse?". And so on and so forth, making you feel lucky to be with them because they know you so damn well and accept you despite your numerous flaws.

The Frog In A Pot Of Boiling Water
Because they do it so gradually, you will not feel the pressure all at once; a few light lies in the start, some nasty comments over time, and before you know it it has reached the climax yet you are still holding on to the illusion of love. Same as with the frog in the pot of boiling water, it starts out with a cool comfortable temperature and as the heat is gradually turned up, it is soon boiling before the frog realizes what is going on.

Their Actions And Words Do Not Match
They will say a lot of things; "you're the best thing that has happened to me", "I will change", "I love you", etc, but none of these words mean a thing; they are all just empty talk worth nothing and their actions always bring you down.

They Seem To Be Positive For You, Sometimes
Every now and then they will give you some morale boost and words of encouragement like "Seems like you're finally getting the hang of keeping the house clean and tidy". While this seems like a compliment, it is just another tool on their belt because they live in the same house, right? So the house being clean serves them as well.
What this random positivity does is to keep you unsure of things because it seems like they are actually good people with your interests at heart but rest assured they are not. Remember the Devil was an angel of light once.

They Weaken You With Confusion
Stability makes people comfortable while confusion weakens them and this is their goal, to keep you weak and dependent on them because you will always turn to them when you need some stability in  your life.

They Turn People Against You
In a bid to isolate you so that you are easier to control and also find people who will stand by them, they will tell you false statements implying that other people know you are no good or you are weak so that you turn to them for support and invariably fall deeper into their traps.

They Are Dismissive Of You
They tell you that you're crazy and also joke about it to others so that it becomes easier to keep you in a position where you believe that, and others will also find it hard to believe that the gaslighter is manipulative and abusive; the things you do and say mean very little to them once you are in their control.

They Project Their Behaviors On You
If they are cheats, they accuse you of cheating; if they are drunks, they accuse you of alcoholism and because they are manipulators, they accuse you of manipulating their feelings to get your ends. Once you react to this and attempt to defend yourself, you feed in to their plan and are distracted from what they are doing even more.

These are the main things to look out for when you suspect that you are being gaslighted, and you should expect a lot of opposition if you attempt to let them know that you are on to them. Because love tends to throw everything into a shade of roses at least at first, you should take care to keep safe from the clutches of a narcissist whose qualities I will tell you all about next time. Til then, stay foxxy!!

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