RELATIONSHIPS FOR INTROVERTS

 I trust you have all been well, I have as well, just a bit lonely and melancholy as I'm sure everyone gets every now and then, which got me thinking, does everyone, especially extroverted people, get into this deep, dark place at some point? I believe they do, it's only natural.......

Right?               

Naturally, ladies are more outspoken than gents on matters relationship, hence their apparent resilience in the face of trials and tribulations in the relationship. So what happens when you're a woman and lack that trusty network that you can vent to?
Introversion is my gift, and it is also my curse.
The strange mix of characters that make me, me, have also ensured that I don't respond too well to nonsense and unnecessary drama which are apparently vital parts of any given relationship.
This has then made me push away or pull away from those I deem to be more trouble that they're worth, due to some being only there to hear of my latest relationship mishaps while never sharing their own in a costructive way or even helping out, and others being around only to use me as a kind of feel-good stepping-stone; everything is fine as long as I'm not doing as well as or better than they are.

So, I dropped them all and now have to wallow through this relationship murk by myself which is the main reason I started this blog and for pretty much everything else I do online. And you know what? It feels good to write down my deepest thoughts and feelings, hoping that they will be read by someone who is maybe going through the same things as I am, and the thought that they might feel a bit better in some strange way is what keeps me going, even on days I really don't want to write or feel I just can't push myself any more.

I write because it makes me happy, and in a sense I am fulfilled when these thoughts and words are out of me, as this is the closest thing I have to a listening and caring ear, the internet (where are our parents to chastise me for befriending the big bad web lol).
Sometimes it's easy, and other times it's not, and sometimes I almost reach for the phone to call a 'friend' for a chat, but then remember that they will just turn around and judge me, or share it with their bigger circle of friends to my detriment and I can't stand that though I wish I could for the sake of the greater good.
As much as it's fun and relieving to share with the internet, it's not the same as sharing with an actual person and getting instant feedback and responses, and support, whether real or perceived, so I suppose I am missing out.

Or not...... because the drama is something else....
Anyway, I would love to hear what my fellow introverts do and how they navigate relationships, if at all there are any out there reading my blog, so we can maybe share tips and all, and be friends (or not, lol).

Do have a lovely rest of your day wherever you are, and welcome back in a few days, when I will hopefully be done with getting an actual website of my own to keep this up, wish me luck.

ily my internet buddies, even if we don't exactly talk :)   
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STILL GASLIGHTING

Hello dears! I wrote about gaslighting a while ago and this morning I was utterly dismayed to wake up to some more of it.
About three days ago I realized I might be a bit toxic myself, based on occurrences from that night and I really went through it, aiding with this revelation were the suicidal thoughts, the immense stress, and a dawning of a weight so heavy I felt I might crumble underneath it. I broke down, and asked for help, but felt I did not get any.
So this morning when I woke up, tired from a home visit that lasted the whole afternoon, I was getting ready to make an effort in seeking out my episodes of toxicity and drowning them. Went to the living room while he was getting ready to leave, with the kids running around, and after some regular, random conversation, I asked him if he would take some tea. He asked, "Tea?
Is there actually tea?
Did you make it or was there someone to make it?"
Strange line of questions, and strange flow too, especially because the nanny makes tea most mornings. He asked these with a smile that felt strange to me, then said "sure, I'll take some".
I found a used cup on the table and assumed it was the nanny's but thought it strange she would just leave it there as we tend to each take our dirty dishes to the sink. I brought clean ones and set them down, and poured the tea.
He went to the bedroom gathering up his stuff, then asked for socks, so I went and got him a pair, then asked him about the tea getting cold, to which he looked at me surprised, asking "what tea? I had mine the first thing when I woke up".

Honestly, what the eff was this now. I looked at him waiting for this sickening joke to be over but that did not happen.
"I asked you if I should pour you some tea, to which you said yes. Before that I had asked you if you had taken tea, and you did not give me a straight answer which is why I asked again in the first place".
Blank stare back at me with a strange expression, developing in the background. "I did not say any of that......."
"You know what, it's ok, never mind and just forget about all of this", I say as I head back to the living room and start pouring his tea back into the flask.
He finds me doing it and asks, "you actually poured out a cup for me?" Surprised now.
I'm honestly not even angry-yet. Just mildly disappointed and I tell him quietly, "you know this is why I ask you to know the right time for playing and when to be serious. You were probably joking when you said it and I didn't catch it so when you moved on from the joke and forgot about it, I did not". I finish  pouring the tea back.

What is happening?
Am I rationalizing his gaslighting and making it out into logic?
And is it for me or for him?
Why is he doing this to me, is it because I broke down that day and made the mistake of telling him about the turmoil in my mind? Because it definitely feels intentional, like he grabbed the knife end stabbing me and gave it a hard twist.

I hear him say he's leaving, but by now I have started retreating into my mind, and feel like I am floating away from this familiar hell. I go to the bedroom and sit down on the edge of the bed and think. My thoughts start to turn dark so I pick my phone up and scroll randomly, then walk around the room, then go and take my tea, by which time he's gone. I walk around the house some more, tidying up a bit as I go, then decide to go to the shops and get some airtime for my phone, and see my tailor also.
At some point I decide to warm the stew because first baby is crying for food, though I know he doesn't actually want it, but then decide to go out first and get back to that when I return because the nanny is doing some cleaning outside.
I go out, chat with the tailor for a while, then come back to a compound smelling mildly of burnt food, and my mind trips some switch.
I run to the kitchen and confirm that I never turned the cooker off so the stew burnt beyond recognition and I curse myself.
I've been so preoccupied with his brazen attempt at gaslighting me that I have kind of switched off real life for a while.
I'm angry and think a lot of dark thoughts, but calm myself down, then carry on picking random stuff up; the kids are being a good kind of distraction, I think.
So now as I sit here writing this I am still reeling from the cold nature of this person that I had children with.
Is he trying to make my already fragile mind break, or is he trying to drive me to kill myself because he doesn't have the nerve to ask me to leave instead? I'm confused, and thinking of taking action before this gets to greater heights and I lose myself, or worse.
Wish me luck in my navigation, and stay Foxxy as ever dears, Chao!
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OPEN RELATIONSHIPS: YAY OR NAY

The day I arrived at the end of my tether, I put all my cards on the table and let him know that since he seemed to be unable to help himself around women, then I shall also not help myself around men and will consequently taste this forbidden fruit which he can't get enough of. His response? 'Let's try an open relationship then and see how it goes'.

This translated to me that he was ok being the philanderer each time and me forgiving him severally but if  I was to become like him, he would now not wait for me to go out and get lucky while he chews on his fingernails all night long. So I said it was ok, whatever he wanted to do he could go ahead, but then we hit a speed bump because we were to lay down the rules and regulations for this undertaking, but he somehow never got the time to have the talk. 

I figured he had developed cold feet and just could not bear the thought of taking what he had been dishing to me; even if the same was now opened to him. 

Slavery much? 

Anyway, just to clear the air, I was not interested in being a ho and had said all of that in the heat of the moment because he continuously refused to acknowledge his wrong and stop repeating the same mistake over and over. His response did give me a sneak peak into our future together, where I saw tears in the short term and total darkness in the long term. 

I was curious though about open relationships as I have heard some people getting into them, celebrity example singer Neyo and his spouse, and if it was anything to go by, the fact that she was always in tears and complaints while he was not, I realized that it was not going to be accepted by both parties concerned, even if both initially agreed to the laid down terms and conditions.

Here therefore is my article on everything I found out about these open relationships; read on and see if you would be interested in taking part in one...

Definition

First off, it is a form of polygamous union, and this is an umbrella term more or less because any given couple out there will have their own variations of what is ok and what is not; their own terms and conditions if you will. As long as you approach the situation ethically, the rest you can work out as you go along.

haha...

General 'Rules of Engagement'

If you and your significant other choose to go down this road, you might as well try and make it work otherwise as 'Rick from Rick and Morty' would say you are planning to fail, which is even more stupid than regular planning haha...

So here's some pointers on what to do to get it right:

1- Get to know about it by talking to people in similar undertakings (haha) online, or in real-life if you know them.

2-Decide what you both want, discuss, and agree about it.

3-Establish the guidelines and never overstep your boundaries.

4-Be ready to get flexible and realize the initial rules may need to change over time and nothing is written in stone.

5-Put extra effort into your communications and know that if you start to act out of feelings such as jealousy and anger, which are sure to develop over time, you will be shooting yourself in the foot.

6-Nothing is ever easy and this is no different so put a lot of energy into it, and work at it.

So far so good, right? Because as long as you can 'legally' have your 4 girlfriends and she has her two boyfriends then it is fair for both of you getting the supposed best of all worlds out there, right? Read on for a few of the things that can make this perceived 'paradise' to fail:

1-Jealousy and Insecurity are real, and you do not have to be the jealous type to get some feelings tangled when you are home alone while your significant other is snuggling up to some other person. Your reputation is also on the line due to a society that is generally not that sexually progressive, and you risk being outcasts of sorts.

2-All is, after all, not fair, because we all know that it is that much easier and faster for a woman who is actively searching to get the literal bang for her buck, especially in this no-strings-attached scenario, and a guy will have to put in more work to bed a new partner because contrary to popular belief, not that many women out there are willing to get it on with someone in a relationship, open though it may be.

3-STD's and pregnancy are an obvious risk, and it is not right for me to put them together like this but let's just ignore that. Common sense dictates that the probability of winding up with a disease gets higher the more people you sleep with, and don't even get me started on the complications of the lady getting pregnant by someone else, or the guy impregnating someone else. What happens to your relationship then?

4-It is bound to get emotional at some point, even if neither of you develop feelings for a third party - which is honestly a reach by the way, there is still no guarantee that everyone else you are involved with will respect this and when feelings develop then a mess is also bound to ensue. 

5-You are bound to spread yourself too thin because what happens when, for instance, two partners simultaneously need the presence of another one; how do you choose which one to save and which one to lose without creating unnecessary tension?

6-Self-esteem issues will crop up because we are all human and to some extent at least, want validation from someone important in our lives. When in a relationship, it will be all too easy to compare yourself with a third party in the same circles as us because our partner seems happier, more at ease, and generally 'better' while with them than while with you.

7-Finally, take all the issues that a normal monogamous relationship may face and put them in the mix because where two human beings are intimately involved there is definitely going to be friction; now multiply that by the number of people in the relationship with you. Issues like cheating are compunded by having no clear cut definitions and so on and so forth, so at the end is it really worth it?

A monogamous relationship takes a lot of work to get to work, so to speak, and a lot of people mistakenly feel that involving other people is the easy way out while it is not. 

You will have to be ready to deal with more issues where there are more people involved and this generation of consumers and selfish people yelling 'YOLO' this is already tough to come by.

Last but not least, if you get into an open relationship your primary relationship will need to be the picture of health and stand the test of time because any small issues you had will be blown out of proportion by outsiders, so there you have it - ours would have been a disaster in waiting so in some ways I am glad it did not materialize.

Let me know in the comments what you think about this open relationship thing, and if you would get into one yourself, and let us have a healthy discussion.

Until next time, stay foxxy my ladies!!!

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OF GOOD INTENTIONS AND GAS-LIGHTING

If you know about the film from 1944 called gaslight then you know exactly what I will be talking about in this here post.
If not, here's a brief definition: to gaslight someone is to gently manipulate them, and coax them to questioning their own sanity.

It might start innocently enough with some simple lies until it gets to the point when you no longer can tell if you are sure about what you say.
 In the film by that name, a man manipulates his wife until she is not sure if she is sane any more. He does this by dimming the gas lights in their home then turning them back up and when she mentions it to him, he tells her that he has no idea of what she is talking about.

Why would anyone do this, you ask? Power is the reason. When someone is successful at it then they hold power over their unsuspecting victim, and this is simply no way for a relationship to be; it is after all a fair equal union as opposed to a hostile take-over.
As a general rule of thumb, love is no longer healthy when it becomes about control, power, and numbing mind-games; and this is the precedent for countless evils that happen in a relationship and leave outsiders wondering whether you have been bewitched to remain in such a cursed union so this is the point you should exit stage left.
Read on below to find out the signs you should look out for to know if your significant other is gaslighting you,; and keep in mind you will have to be very keen because it happens to the best of us and is a lot easier than you may think to fall into this pit.

They Are Totally Charming To Other People
The thing with a person who is manipulating you is that they need others to always take their side in the event anything happens so they are charming, attentive, polite, considerate, and all those other nice things to you, but only when you are in front of people. Things are of course very different when you are by yourselves, as they will ignore and belittle you, convince you that the things you care about are nonsense, and will not support any dreams that you may have.
If you notice this Jekyll and Hyde phenomenon and feel as if no one else can really see the person you are with, it is time to turn your radar up and watch out for any of these other signs.

They Tell You Outright Lies
You know beyond all doubt that this person is lying to you but they stand their ground, why? They are setting the stage so that you will never be sure if anything they say is true, and as long as you are not on guard, then they will amp up their manipulation in some of these following ways.

They Constantly Deny Things They Had Said
"Honey, when will you fix this door? You said you would get to it later in the week and it's Saturday already". "What? I never said anything like that"....
 Even if you have proof of it, they will borderline swear an oath with the Holy Book that they did not say it, and the more they do it, the less sure you become of anything and the more you rely on them to show you the light, which of course they have no intention of doing.

They Use Things You Care About As Weapons
They know of your dreams and aspirations and what they mean to you, and how dear your sister is to you, so they will say things like "you know you're too lazy/slow/inept to be in that line of work", and "your sister is a bad influence on you, do you think your mom will be happy if you leave me like your sister left her spouse?". And so on and so forth, making you feel lucky to be with them because they know you so damn well and accept you despite your numerous flaws.

The Frog In A Pot Of Boiling Water
Because they do it so gradually, you will not feel the pressure all at once; a few light lies in the start, some nasty comments over time, and before you know it it has reached the climax yet you are still holding on to the illusion of love. Same as with the frog in the pot of boiling water, it starts out with a cool comfortable temperature and as the heat is gradually turned up, it is soon boiling before the frog realizes what is going on.

Their Actions And Words Do Not Match
They will say a lot of things; "you're the best thing that has happened to me", "I will change", "I love you", etc, but none of these words mean a thing; they are all just empty talk worth nothing and their actions always bring you down.

They Seem To Be Positive For You, Sometimes
Every now and then they will give you some morale boost and words of encouragement like "Seems like you're finally getting the hang of keeping the house clean and tidy". While this seems like a compliment, it is just another tool on their belt because they live in the same house, right? So the house being clean serves them as well.
What this random positivity does is to keep you unsure of things because it seems like they are actually good people with your interests at heart but rest assured they are not. Remember the Devil was an angel of light once.

They Weaken You With Confusion
Stability makes people comfortable while confusion weakens them and this is their goal, to keep you weak and dependent on them because you will always turn to them when you need some stability in  your life.

They Turn People Against You
In a bid to isolate you so that you are easier to control and also find people who will stand by them, they will tell you false statements implying that other people know you are no good or you are weak so that you turn to them for support and invariably fall deeper into their traps.

They Are Dismissive Of You
They tell you that you're crazy and also joke about it to others so that it becomes easier to keep you in a position where you believe that, and others will also find it hard to believe that the gaslighter is manipulative and abusive; the things you do and say mean very little to them once you are in their control.

They Project Their Behaviors On You
If they are cheats, they accuse you of cheating; if they are drunks, they accuse you of alcoholism and because they are manipulators, they accuse you of manipulating their feelings to get your ends. Once you react to this and attempt to defend yourself, you feed in to their plan and are distracted from what they are doing even more.

These are the main things to look out for when you suspect that you are being gaslighted, and you should expect a lot of opposition if you attempt to let them know that you are on to them. Because love tends to throw everything into a shade of roses at least at first, you should take care to keep safe from the clutches of a narcissist whose qualities I will tell you all about next time. Til then, stay foxxy!!

Also read here!

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