OPEN RELATIONSHIPS: YAY OR NAY

The day I arrived at the end of my tether, I put all my cards on the table and let him know that since he seemed to be unable to help himself around women, then I shall also not help myself around men and will consequently taste this forbidden fruit which he can't get enough of. His response? 'Let's try an open relationship then and see how it goes'.

This translated to me that he was ok being the philanderer each time and me forgiving him severally but if  I was to become like him, he would now not wait for me to go out and get lucky while he chews on his fingernails all night long. So I said it was ok, whatever he wanted to do he could go ahead, but then we hit a speed bump because we were to lay down the rules and regulations for this undertaking, but he somehow never got the time to have the talk. 

I figured he had developed cold feet and just could not bear the thought of taking what he had been dishing to me; even if the same was now opened to him. 

Slavery much? 

Anyway, just to clear the air, I was not interested in being a ho and had said all of that in the heat of the moment because he continuously refused to acknowledge his wrong and stop repeating the same mistake over and over. His response did give me a sneak peak into our future together, where I saw tears in the short term and total darkness in the long term. 

I was curious though about open relationships as I have heard some people getting into them, celebrity example singer Neyo and his spouse, and if it was anything to go by, the fact that she was always in tears and complaints while he was not, I realized that it was not going to be accepted by both parties concerned, even if both initially agreed to the laid down terms and conditions.

Here therefore is my article on everything I found out about these open relationships; read on and see if you would be interested in taking part in one...

Definition

First off, it is a form of polygamous union, and this is an umbrella term more or less because any given couple out there will have their own variations of what is ok and what is not; their own terms and conditions if you will. As long as you approach the situation ethically, the rest you can work out as you go along.

haha...

General 'Rules of Engagement'

If you and your significant other choose to go down this road, you might as well try and make it work otherwise as 'Rick from Rick and Morty' would say you are planning to fail, which is even more stupid than regular planning haha...

So here's some pointers on what to do to get it right:

1- Get to know about it by talking to people in similar undertakings (haha) online, or in real-life if you know them.

2-Decide what you both want, discuss, and agree about it.

3-Establish the guidelines and never overstep your boundaries.

4-Be ready to get flexible and realize the initial rules may need to change over time and nothing is written in stone.

5-Put extra effort into your communications and know that if you start to act out of feelings such as jealousy and anger, which are sure to develop over time, you will be shooting yourself in the foot.

6-Nothing is ever easy and this is no different so put a lot of energy into it, and work at it.

So far so good, right? Because as long as you can 'legally' have your 4 girlfriends and she has her two boyfriends then it is fair for both of you getting the supposed best of all worlds out there, right? Read on for a few of the things that can make this perceived 'paradise' to fail:

1-Jealousy and Insecurity are real, and you do not have to be the jealous type to get some feelings tangled when you are home alone while your significant other is snuggling up to some other person. Your reputation is also on the line due to a society that is generally not that sexually progressive, and you risk being outcasts of sorts.

2-All is, after all, not fair, because we all know that it is that much easier and faster for a woman who is actively searching to get the literal bang for her buck, especially in this no-strings-attached scenario, and a guy will have to put in more work to bed a new partner because contrary to popular belief, not that many women out there are willing to get it on with someone in a relationship, open though it may be.

3-STD's and pregnancy are an obvious risk, and it is not right for me to put them together like this but let's just ignore that. Common sense dictates that the probability of winding up with a disease gets higher the more people you sleep with, and don't even get me started on the complications of the lady getting pregnant by someone else, or the guy impregnating someone else. What happens to your relationship then?

4-It is bound to get emotional at some point, even if neither of you develop feelings for a third party - which is honestly a reach by the way, there is still no guarantee that everyone else you are involved with will respect this and when feelings develop then a mess is also bound to ensue. 

5-You are bound to spread yourself too thin because what happens when, for instance, two partners simultaneously need the presence of another one; how do you choose which one to save and which one to lose without creating unnecessary tension?

6-Self-esteem issues will crop up because we are all human and to some extent at least, want validation from someone important in our lives. When in a relationship, it will be all too easy to compare yourself with a third party in the same circles as us because our partner seems happier, more at ease, and generally 'better' while with them than while with you.

7-Finally, take all the issues that a normal monogamous relationship may face and put them in the mix because where two human beings are intimately involved there is definitely going to be friction; now multiply that by the number of people in the relationship with you. Issues like cheating are compunded by having no clear cut definitions and so on and so forth, so at the end is it really worth it?

A monogamous relationship takes a lot of work to get to work, so to speak, and a lot of people mistakenly feel that involving other people is the easy way out while it is not. 

You will have to be ready to deal with more issues where there are more people involved and this generation of consumers and selfish people yelling 'YOLO' this is already tough to come by.

Last but not least, if you get into an open relationship your primary relationship will need to be the picture of health and stand the test of time because any small issues you had will be blown out of proportion by outsiders, so there you have it - ours would have been a disaster in waiting so in some ways I am glad it did not materialize.

Let me know in the comments what you think about this open relationship thing, and if you would get into one yourself, and let us have a healthy discussion.

Until next time, stay foxxy my ladies!!!

Also read it here!

                                                                  XOXO

LOVE IS FOR THE WEAK

I do sincerely hope that one day I will be able to write down a lovey dovey piece dripping with hearts and roses, and actually wish that today had been that day but until then, let the hatred flow haha...

So anyway, the title might sound a bit sensational; even for my taste, but hear me out as I put my logic in order. I came to this conclusion a while ago from the happenings that went on in my relationship so it is on a lot of observations that I place my post....

A few years ago I took the Myers Briggs Personality sorter test and emerged as an IN-- (scratch to reveal haha), and a concerned friend also filled it for me based on how she knew me and got the same results. If you haven't heard of it then look it up, or google MBTI and find the relevant page where you can take a similar test and find your personality type.

The thing is that it goes into great detail of different personalities and groups them according to four main characteristics etc etc, please just google it......

The reason why I bring this up right now is because for all my life I thought something was wrong with me (most likely with everyone else though haha) but this thing made me understand I am not sick and there is a reason I am how I am. Growing up with visions of a large house atop a large hill where I lived all alone as opposed to a large wedding with a large dress and large family started to seem normal and I am really glad for that because it helped me stay sane.

So on to this post, living with a  manipulative gaslighter is nerve-racking and I am glad for the recovery, so now I outline my reasons for the heading; analyzing the behavioral changes I went through to a point of almost losing myself.

I started to see the point of mushy messages and silly notes to the significant other while I have always thought them to be a waste of time because, well, extra toppings are not really my thing. It was cute when I saw couples holding hands and doing other couply things then fight and cry and go round in circles and so on but it did not make sense to me but suddenly, here I was.....

I have always has a set of standards practically set in stone, with little wiggle room for human error but now here I was; compromising; doing chores while pregnant though I was in terrible pain, and letting random suggestive conversation, texts and whatsapp go by me, then deciding to forgive after the first affair, and the second one, wow....

I started to lose myself, the little things at first then bigger things as we progressed; my fashion sense was too loud and unnecessary, I was not as good at basic grammar and math, the causes I stood for were needless and my ambitions unattainable and so it went, until I was not as sure as I usually was about myself anymore. The seed of doubt had been planted.

My resolve in life weakened a lot, and it got so easy to push me around to doing things that I really did  not want to do like having a wild night out with some strange unsavory friends, quietly listening to crude jokes that were honestly an insult to my being and other small occurrences of peer pressure, but they added up to a lot.

My esteem took a dive as his was also failing because you see the thing with loving a manipulative loser is that it drains you as you are constantly sympathetic with them and trying to prop them up, while they are trying just as hard to drag you down to wallow in self-pity like them; maybe so that you do not leave them for someone better, or so that you do not realize what they are doing and you end up under their sick mind control.

Looking good was no longer such a priority because I had to cook, clean, and take care of the tots practically all by myself especially on days when his mother required him to run some errand for him. By the time I finally got a nanny, I was so used to the punishment that it was easier to roll over and play dead for a while before the pain came back with renewed energy.
Except that it didn't and my exercise and nice clothes took a back seat because even when I looked good, I got no complements, just an occasional raised eyebrow. Plus I was pretty much at the top of my game when I got cheated on so what was the point really. I forgot that looking good led to feeling good, and from there it trickled down to all other areas of life.

I stopped loving myself because between the kids, my mom, and him, I was spread the thinnest I could possibly be and so I put myself on hold. Music to lift my spirits lost its place because he felt like I was 'shutting him out' when I was plugged in to my ipod even if he was doing something else at the time. It was impossible to be a whole person so I just stopped.

I actually apologized when he cheated the second time and to be honest this just has to take the cake because honestly, what?! I was so broken by this point that when I started to raise hell and got the silent treatment, I immediately feared being punished for 'getting out of line' and could not deal with his passive punishments of rude and heartless comments, lip service, and emotional cold war so it felt better to allay that by apologizing.
I outdid myself on this one because if anything, this one landmark served to show how so desperate I was for his acknowledgement and was fine with eating the crumbs that fell from his high table. So right now at the point where we are, with everything broken down and all, how can I not blame myself?
To date he has never actually apologized for that act yet here I still am, waiting for water to flow from a rock really because even on confronting him about it he acknowledged he did not say any words like 'sorry about that', and he never ever did. I feel really sad about this whole situation, but what I feel more is anger that has come from a place in me so deep that I had no idea anything lived there.

                   
                                                                        XOXO