LOVE IS FOR THE WEAK

I do sincerely hope that one day I will be able to write down a lovey dovey piece dripping with hearts and roses, and actually wish that today had been that day but until then, let the hatred flow haha...

So anyway, the title might sound a bit sensational; even for my taste, but hear me out as I put my logic in order. I came to this conclusion a while ago from the happenings that went on in my relationship so it is on a lot of observations that I place my post....

A few years ago I took the Myers Briggs Personality sorter test and emerged as an IN-- (scratch to reveal haha), and a concerned friend also filled it for me based on how she knew me and got the same results. If you haven't heard of it then look it up, or google MBTI and find the relevant page where you can take a similar test and find your personality type.

The thing is that it goes into great detail of different personalities and groups them according to four main characteristics etc etc, please just google it......

The reason why I bring this up right now is because for all my life I thought something was wrong with me (most likely with everyone else though haha) but this thing made me understand I am not sick and there is a reason I am how I am. Growing up with visions of a large house atop a large hill where I lived all alone as opposed to a large wedding with a large dress and large family started to seem normal and I am really glad for that because it helped me stay sane.

So on to this post, living with a  manipulative gaslighter is nerve-racking and I am glad for the recovery, so now I outline my reasons for the heading; analyzing the behavioral changes I went through to a point of almost losing myself.

I started to see the point of mushy messages and silly notes to the significant other while I have always thought them to be a waste of time because, well, extra toppings are not really my thing. It was cute when I saw couples holding hands and doing other couply things then fight and cry and go round in circles and so on but it did not make sense to me but suddenly, here I was.....

I have always has a set of standards practically set in stone, with little wiggle room for human error but now here I was; compromising; doing chores while pregnant though I was in terrible pain, and letting random suggestive conversation, texts and whatsapp go by me, then deciding to forgive after the first affair, and the second one, wow....

I started to lose myself, the little things at first then bigger things as we progressed; my fashion sense was too loud and unnecessary, I was not as good at basic grammar and math, the causes I stood for were needless and my ambitions unattainable and so it went, until I was not as sure as I usually was about myself anymore. The seed of doubt had been planted.

My resolve in life weakened a lot, and it got so easy to push me around to doing things that I really did  not want to do like having a wild night out with some strange unsavory friends, quietly listening to crude jokes that were honestly an insult to my being and other small occurrences of peer pressure, but they added up to a lot.

My esteem took a dive as his was also failing because you see the thing with loving a manipulative loser is that it drains you as you are constantly sympathetic with them and trying to prop them up, while they are trying just as hard to drag you down to wallow in self-pity like them; maybe so that you do not leave them for someone better, or so that you do not realize what they are doing and you end up under their sick mind control.

Looking good was no longer such a priority because I had to cook, clean, and take care of the tots practically all by myself especially on days when his mother required him to run some errand for him. By the time I finally got a nanny, I was so used to the punishment that it was easier to roll over and play dead for a while before the pain came back with renewed energy.
Except that it didn't and my exercise and nice clothes took a back seat because even when I looked good, I got no complements, just an occasional raised eyebrow. Plus I was pretty much at the top of my game when I got cheated on so what was the point really. I forgot that looking good led to feeling good, and from there it trickled down to all other areas of life.

I stopped loving myself because between the kids, my mom, and him, I was spread the thinnest I could possibly be and so I put myself on hold. Music to lift my spirits lost its place because he felt like I was 'shutting him out' when I was plugged in to my ipod even if he was doing something else at the time. It was impossible to be a whole person so I just stopped.

I actually apologized when he cheated the second time and to be honest this just has to take the cake because honestly, what?! I was so broken by this point that when I started to raise hell and got the silent treatment, I immediately feared being punished for 'getting out of line' and could not deal with his passive punishments of rude and heartless comments, lip service, and emotional cold war so it felt better to allay that by apologizing.
I outdid myself on this one because if anything, this one landmark served to show how so desperate I was for his acknowledgement and was fine with eating the crumbs that fell from his high table. So right now at the point where we are, with everything broken down and all, how can I not blame myself?
To date he has never actually apologized for that act yet here I still am, waiting for water to flow from a rock really because even on confronting him about it he acknowledged he did not say any words like 'sorry about that', and he never ever did. I feel really sad about this whole situation, but what I feel more is anger that has come from a place in me so deep that I had no idea anything lived there.

                   
                                                                        XOXO

WHO IS A MAN?

If you came to this page from google results feeling a bit sentimental or poetic, or searching for some deep understanding or even biological definition, then I apologize in advance because this is not what that is at all.
This is more like a detailed analysis of the characters that I have been unlucky enough to know, so no good vibes here lol.
Before you misread my intentions with those lines, however, let it be clear that I know that there are cases where men are great and sensible; model members of society whom we wish our sons would emulate and our daughters end up with.
I know some marriages do work, with lots of work from both parties to make it last, and so it does.
Following is more like a summary of some of my experiences so far.A small part of me-the hope that escaped the massacre that my feelings were taken through- still expects a kind of 'knight-in-shining-armor but before I digress further, here we go.....

He Will:
Chat with and exchange pictures of himself and other random things with different women, changing the script each time an occurrence arises, and swiftly learning what to do and say so as to get your leniency and yet more chances (to waste your time).

Talk warmly with random females in public, giving them the impression that he is the most charming man out there and that he would blow the competition out of the water. Most times he will let them know if he is otherwise involved because he knows how some women are like, quick to jump into bed with him as they believe they can offer him something that you cannot hence they will cater to him and sweep him off his feet.

Act like an angel to you when you are in public with him, especially in front of his mother, father, and other relatives, so that they are under the illusion that you want for nothing and if you ever leave, you are the bad guy.

Gaslight you every step of the way; to a point that you do not even know who your family and friends are, and with this confusion already planted in your life it will be so much easier for you to fall into his traps of 'she never meant anything to me' and 'you have no idea how much I regret chatting with her and sleeping with her friend and afterwards trying to get her to go for round two after you caught me the first time and forgave me'.....

Mentally deplete your strength and coping abilities and esteem to the point that you feel as if you need him in order to just survive. His toxic presence will keep you feeling sickly safe as he has drilled it into your head that no one else can want you, and life for a single mom with not one but two of his children would be so hard.......

Take advantage of your kindness and have you feeling as if you need to do so much more in order to keep him interested and focused on only you.

Never pull his weight in the relationship, and when you muster the courage to call him out for this he will either sulk until you apologize to him, or he will show you  how bad you are yourself so you can apologize.

Act extremely surprised when caught at a negative point such as cheating or almost cheating, then go from that to a full sulk that will have him refusing to eat the food you serve him, and actually even giving you the silent treatment until you behave yourself and humbly ask for his forgiveness.

Be an endless vortex sucking in energy from you to stoke his impoverished ego, needing affirmations each and every second of how great he is as a human  being, but never giving back in return.

Cheat so often and regularly in different occasions that you will be at pains to keep tabs on him, and thanks to the brainwashing he has put you through already you will doubt your instincts and just forgive him because it is easier that way for your heavily taxed mind.

Make sure that you are not financially stable by inducing you to make important purchases because he is currently unable to until your stash runs out, and try to get you to leave your job and find a better one, raising the bar each time some potential comes along.

Break your heart so repeatedly and so thoroughly that you never feel the need to love again and are unable to be completely happy as yourself; traumatize you from being with someone even if they truly deserve you.

Make you lose trust in every single human being on earth because his behaviors are normal, it is your expectations that aren't, and you are not as perfect as you 'keep telling' him you are so just drop it, he is simply being human.

Find a way to correlate seemingly random and distant things you do so that they seem like a good enough excuse for what he did, and when you catch him at it then he will reverse the situation an make it seem as though you are the one doing it.

Simply not care for you; dismissing you when you are sick and sometimes even being extra mean to you when you are unwell and totally unable to put up a fight with him. If you insist on your feeling bad he will give a half-assed get better soon and act as if you are faking it to some strange end, even if you never have done that.

Completely kill your creativity because every single idea you have is 'unattainable', 'too expensive and labor-intensive', 'beyond your expertise', etc etc until you do not even feel the urge to be innovative any more.

Constantly do the opposite of what he says, and not even bother with an explanation, just leaving you to do whatever you need to do to deal with it because he is never responsible for your feelings; you are, and you are also responsible for his.

Live in a reality that is tailored to suite him; forgetting things at will, planting memories of things that never happened, twisting things to look how he wants them to look and then insisting on that with a solid determination that will wear you down.

And finally he will demean you daily to a point where you choose to stay on through his abuse because you think he is merciful for putting up with you as you are not as good a chapati cook as his mom, or a good and tidy home-keeper like the neighbor's wife, or a good mother like his colleague at work who is climbing up the career ladder while juggling with her children at home and so on and so forth.


At this point I realize I have been a bit unfair and chosen to focus only on the negatives. I have edited this post a bit from the first time I wrote it, call it sentiment, or getting softer with age, I call it a blue moon, becaue I don't often change my mind in regards to things involving feelings, and my observations are generally rather accurate and well-carried out so.....

Anyway, I sign off with a heaviness in my heart because this is the last of all the last strokes that have ever been; this is it, the final goodbye. I feel I am completely drained and have nothing more to give but still more is being asked of me so my instinct of survival has kicked in and I cannot fight any more; just flee.

XO

THOSE DIRTY, DIRTY GENES.....

Horny Mammal lol

So I wonder, is cheating something that someone does out of some urge, or necessity, or is it ingrained in our genes; written down in our DNA in indellible ink?

I was curious about this so I did some research, and lo and behold! I found some different reasons people cheat, and more importantly, the types of cheating out there.
Because I am foxxy as hell, I will of course refer to the cheats as male through most of the article but this is not to say that females don't cheat as well, just go figure. If you are curious like me, here's a low-down on what I found; juicy stuff hehe...



Why Do People Cheat?
1-Because They Can
Sad as this may be, some guys cheat for the simple reason that an opportunity presented itself and there was nothing to stop them (as their ethics and morality are also on leave) so they just do it. Be it because they have gotten something in their life that suddenly makes them more desirable to the opposite sex like a car, money, etc, or they are now in a position to obtain random sex from whoever, this is the most pathetic reason to cheat out there I believe.

2-They Are Looking For Something They Are Not Getting In Their Relationships
Here is another strange reason that makes me wonder, because most of the times that people use this one, an in-depth analysis shows that they had not even worked towards getting their needs met but instead decided to take the shortcut.

Most of their partners are not even aware that there's something missing and just wake up to the rude shock of an affair.....

3-The Thrill Of Variety
Most men will not think twice when presented with an opportunity to cheat because they believe "YOLO" (you only live once) so as it is the same with wanting variety on your plate, with vegetables, meats, starches, etc, so will having different partners make them salivate haha.
As much as I get this one though, I believe that if you feel you cannot stay exclusive to one partner who requires your exclusivity, be a grown up and do not expect them to sit still in the house while you are out sampling; make it clear and set your partner free.

4-The Cowards' Way To End A Relationship
We all know that relationships turn sour and lose their flavor (check no. 3 above), but this does not warrant cheating because you want to provoke your partner to leave. It may fail, and she will stay and 'fight' for the relationship, and the resentment that you will have planted as a bonus is bound to make things even worse than they already are.

5-Anger, And Revenge
Basing this on assumptions, a man may feel like his partner has something on the side and because no man wants to be the laughing stock, he might run out to cheat so as to balance the tables, only problem though is that he may have imagined things and punish a totally undeserving and faithful spouse.
Women also do this, especially when the guy is a serial cheat and she decides to show him how the shoe feels on the other foot. I cannot say I advocate for this because it feels like the equivalent of muddying your clothes because you see your partner coming to sit next to you with muddy clothes, not to mention the levels you will have to lower your self-esteem to in order to cheat for the sake of cheating. Just be a lady and leave that to dirty men.

6-Genes (?)
Looking at some men, I have to wonder if cheating was passed down to them by their philandering fathers or terrible mothers because all the men from that lineage are cheats and will at some point in their lives juggle a few women at once.
This seems far-fetched, but is the other reasonable explanation aside from that they grew up with no morals being ingrained in them, or their father was openly a cheat, so the only example they had growing up was a bad one.

7-Dissatisfaction With The Quality And/Or Quantity Of Love, Sex, And Communication

When a partner feels  that they are getting a raw deal on any of the above, they will most often go out to find it elsewhere, with men being more on the physical and women on the emotional.
Most men start to or cheat when their wives fall pregnant and after they give birth; the worst possible time to do so because this is the time when they are most needed.
Things get worse when the woman is perceived to have 'let herself go' and lost her nubile body while mothering the unappreciative fool's children, with most expecting that she will bounce back the second your brat leaves her womb and this is not true for all women because they are all different.
With the emotional rollercoaster that is pregnancy, it is only sensible to understand your wife to act like a different person in this period and if you are not man enough to deal with her at her worst, you don't deserve her or any other woman for that matter at her best.

8-Low Self Esteem
This is a straightforward one; when a man feels that his wife is too pretty, too intelligent, too talented or too educated for him, he will feel small and we all know for men size matters a lot. He will therefore cheat and use the reasoning that she will leave him sooner rather than later, so best to get out ahead.

Types Of Cheats
Now that we have covered the reasons most quote by cheats, here's a rundown on the types of cheating bastards out there; both male and female, so have a read.....

1-The Hunter
As the name suggests, he is in it to win it, and that is about it. He is more after the chase than the final act and so getting this one to stop is nothing short of a miracle so he will constantly be scouting for potential 'prey' (read weak-minded females, those desperate and naive as well as the ones with esteem issues).
It is extremely easy for him to land someone because he is smooth and has been around that block
more times than you want to know so if this is the type of cheat you have in your life just tell him bye bye....

2-The Fetishist
This is the cheat that is married and living with a wife who mostly feels like a room mate than a lover as the sex is very sparse. He only married her because society expects him to be married by a certain age, or because he got the woman pregnant and had to do right by her probably due to pressure from family.
He may be a closet gay, or a cross-dresser, or a 'furry'-a person who dresses in animal costume to engage in sex with other people dressed likewise. Sex for him is more about the means rather than the end, and as most of the time his fetish is frowned upon by society, he chooses to keep his unfortunate spouse in the dark while pursuing his heart's desire with some other willing person.

3-The 'Nice Guy'
One of the harder ones to tame is this nice guy, who will always be a shoulder to lean on; especially true to females who are in bad relationships and marriages, or on the rebound. He provides all the affection she may be lacking in her unfulfilled relationship and then some so she gets into some kind of commitment with him which has sex as part of the deal because he has led her to believe she is truly special to him.
This is although he has a wife and probably even children, and so once he is done 'helping' the damsel in distress (or helping himself to her haha) he will disclose to her that he would not 'feel right' leaving his family for you so please understand this, but he still deeply cares for you.
This cheat does this to help himself sleep better at night (with his wife after cheating all day at work) and in his sick mind feels as if he is actually honestly nice, so he drags this deceit on and on and in the end screws everyone over while acting as though he is helping them.
Avoid this kind of cheat with all your might, as their game is on a psychological level and if you get dragged in the only thing that follows is endless pain and sadness.

4-The Professional
This cheat is a stickler for order and has organizational skills that would put the green of envy on most CEO's. Because of his immense wealth, well-rounded children, an pretty wife, no one thinks that he would ever cheat but this is exactly the reason he cheats; because he feels he has already surpassed his life's goals, and now is the time for him to be 'serviced', which is how he views sex- as a service.
He has a string of mistresses at all his frequented locations and keeps them well paid as he is sure this way they will retain their anonymity and as long as his wife does not know then she cannot be hurt. What he forgets is that by going through the motions in this manner, he starves his spouse of attention, affection, and all the other small things that build a relationship so she finds out sooner or later and gets totally hurt.

5-The Opportunist
This one is literally like a very hungry animal on the prowl for something to eat; with their hunger being of the psychological kind, the need to be wanted, and the food of their choice pretty much anything that will want them, or just act like they want them back.

He is the saddest kind of cheat because he is not looking for a whole lot, just that magical 'chemistry', and so he can find it in really anything with a pulse - the cleaners and secretaries at the office, gym-partners, the supervisors, the nanny, his friend's wives, etc etc, so throw this one out with the bath water until he can figure himself out, and then just stay away from him.

6-The 'Victim'
This cheat will trap you by playing the victim: his wife does not love him any more, neither does she respect him, his dog recently died, his last business attempt folded, his life is just a mess, but you can help him out of all this.
He makes you feel like you will be saving him from the cold, cruel world, because you are the angel of his life, and he will seem to respond to your affection, until you realize that he is the author of all his imaginary doom, and he only does this to get women who would otherwise steer clear because he has a wife.

So there goes my list, hope you loved it and were entertained as well as enlightened so subscribe for more of my articles, and stay foxxy!!
Also read here, and here!

                                                                 XOXO!

I WOKE UP WITH A DREAM TODAY

I dreamt that I was no longer a slave in my own house. That I was free to do as I pleased, eat what I wanted, and think how I felt like.
I was finally free to live, and dream, and make plans of a future that I had crafted in my mind of lazy days when I did not have to cook or clean for a person that generally treated me as a second-grade citizen.

The only problem with my dream was that it needed finance to materialize, for without money what would I do about rent, food, etc, etc? It dawned on me that in order to make my dream into a reality I would need to get money somehow, and the more I thought about it the better I saw that money was the main tool of my enslavement for without it, it would be so hard to control me.
I now understood why in the past he had no issues with me footing bills, some of them his, and took with open arms what little money I had when I offered to him to start his ventures, fix his car, get some bill, etc. Hindsight is 20/20 they say, and in my case it is just too true, and painfully so.

I bought him phones, and some random stuff, fixed them when they broke, then when he got tired of them he sold them and kept the money, and when I asked him about it he shrugged it off. Once, he acted nice, offered to pay me back whatever he owed me a little at a time, but when we had no food in the house or needed to sort the rent then guess who got it.....

The little things started to add up and I could not have felt more stupid than I did at that time, and then it started happening again: 'ring, ring' at some funny hours, and his phone became gluey, never leaving his hand in my sight. At some point in a very random way I got the revelation though. My little son came running to me with the cursed phone in his hand.

'Mommy, skiaa', he yells in toddler glee, imploring me to play him his currently favorite song, 'mans not hot', which he calls 'skiaa'.
'Ok, ok, calm down, I'm playing it', I tell him as he hands me the phone upon the unlocking of which I find myself in the messages section. Familiar name in the chat at the top of the thread but I can't really place it, curse this baby brain. I press the home button repeatedly as it seems the phone is hanged on that page and just as it disappears, I see something strange for a chat.

'So do I bring it home?'

Pull up, selector; rewind.
I hurriedly click on the messages icon over my toddlers impatient screams and read the whole chat, just seven or eight messages long, and it is obvious it has been deleted , some of the earlier communication at least, but what is left is still very incriminating. Since I have known for a long time that anger and rash decisions are a recipe for disaster, I calmly drink my now tasteless tea until I get the chance to perform a follow-up.

'I have seen some chat on your phone which gives me reason to suspect all is not well as you claimed when we talked'. To my surprise, he responds calmly with 'do we talk here?'
Wow, so whatever it is it might lead to a verbal fight that we cannot have in front of the kids or in earshot of the nanny. Wow, wow, wow.
'Ok, let's go outside because baby will follow us to our room and it will be difficult to talk or listen', I say and head outside, bracing myself for how dumb I will be feeling in about five minutes.

You see, we had talked about his cheating in the past, and he swore the kids and I meant too much to him to lose over some strange chick, and we had talked for days, literally. So I was honestly confused at the nerve that the animal had, just days after the 'peace-making dialogue' and he was at it again.
Anyway, where were we.....

'So who is she?' I ask a little impatiently and he takes his sweet time to come up with a response. 'Do you remember a time I told you about a lady who had asked me for a lift?' I nod my head in agreement and he continues, 'well she reached out to me again....'
I cut him off at this point with horror filling my head, 'Is this the same one from whom I saw some whatsapp messages about two weeks ago?' 'Yes, the same one', he responds,

I recall I had brushed the first instance off, and when I saw the same name again I asked about it about which he said he had no interest in her, she was the one talking to him. Honestly how many times will I fall for this crap? I have gotten over the hurt from the past, right now I am just angry.

'She said that she had a job she would like me to do for her at the county offices, so I was talking to her concerning that'. 'Really now? When else do you run petty errands for clients and meet with them at home on Sundays, also notifying them when you will meet them with me in tow so they have time to change their minds?'
'Sometimes I do that and you know it'.

I wish I could part the ground like Moses parted water and push him into the resulting crack, and a vision of the Mahi Mahiu rifts occupies my head for a while but I brush it off. So after we talked, and after I asked you about this very lady and you claimed to have nothing going on then this? Really??'
'You know what? Just call her and go marry her, I'm sorry for spoiling your plans as you were to meet her at one p.m. and it's already half past. Call her up and if you want I will apologize to her for keeping you while you should have been meeting with her'.

I storm off into the house and pour an angry cup of tea which I drink in a rage. A very calm rage, which is one of the things that becoming a mother teaches you; to keep your anger and destruction on level one. I am so angry that I laugh and baby thinks it must be a good time to laugh so he joins me with a hearty laugh, which I echo back and soon we are laughing very genuinely over nothing at all, and this thought makes the situation funnier.

So I go to the kitchen to prepare a meal for the kids and he finds me there, asks me if we can talk, and after thinking about it I oblige and go to the room where he regales me with a tale of how she means nothing to him, and the other times I believe him when he tells me this so why am I like this today, and I tell him today is not the first time he cheated nor is it the second. He thinks for a moment and I take this gap to tell him that the chance I had told him I had given him is coming to a close today.

He tells me that on the occasions when he cheated he agreed when I caught him but I remind him that the last time he had lied to me, and he also lied he would not talk to this particular lady again. He says that it will be really bad to end things on the one occurrence that had not materialized and I ask him if I should give him time to cheat first so as to leave.
He says that since it seems I have already made up my mind about things then there is no point to talk and I agree, on which he says that he just wanted to let me know the truth so will I give him the time to, and I  also agree to this because they are just words he's going to tell me, and empty ones at that. I am just so worn out from his bullshit and wonder how blind he is that he can't see that.

In retrospect I think that the 'Mama Racheal' story, which I had though to fake because no one man can be that daft and blind, might be true after all. I curse the day I met this asshole because now thanks to being stupid in love with him, I have two kids, no reasonable source of income, and almost nil savings in my account.

It seems the dream I woke up with is a nightmare in disguise, and I wish I could just go to sleep again and wake up to a version of reality in which he does not exist, because in this one moment in time I hate him so much I can not think of one single punishment that would be enough to cover his crap. And so it goes.....

See you next time my lovely foxxes, and I hope that by then I will have figured a way out without committing a crime, haha

                                                          XOXO

OF GOOD INTENTIONS AND GAS-LIGHTING

If you know about the film from 1944 called gaslight then you know exactly what I will be talking about in this here post.
If not, here's a brief definition: to gaslight someone is to gently manipulate them, and coax them to questioning their own sanity.

It might start innocently enough with some simple lies until it gets to the point when you no longer can tell if you are sure about what you say.
 In the film by that name, a man manipulates his wife until she is not sure if she is sane any more. He does this by dimming the gas lights in their home then turning them back up and when she mentions it to him, he tells her that he has no idea of what she is talking about.

Why would anyone do this, you ask? Power is the reason. When someone is successful at it then they hold power over their unsuspecting victim, and this is simply no way for a relationship to be; it is after all a fair equal union as opposed to a hostile take-over.
As a general rule of thumb, love is no longer healthy when it becomes about control, power, and numbing mind-games; and this is the precedent for countless evils that happen in a relationship and leave outsiders wondering whether you have been bewitched to remain in such a cursed union so this is the point you should exit stage left.
Read on below to find out the signs you should look out for to know if your significant other is gaslighting you,; and keep in mind you will have to be very keen because it happens to the best of us and is a lot easier than you may think to fall into this pit.

They Are Totally Charming To Other People
The thing with a person who is manipulating you is that they need others to always take their side in the event anything happens so they are charming, attentive, polite, considerate, and all those other nice things to you, but only when you are in front of people. Things are of course very different when you are by yourselves, as they will ignore and belittle you, convince you that the things you care about are nonsense, and will not support any dreams that you may have.
If you notice this Jekyll and Hyde phenomenon and feel as if no one else can really see the person you are with, it is time to turn your radar up and watch out for any of these other signs.

They Tell You Outright Lies
You know beyond all doubt that this person is lying to you but they stand their ground, why? They are setting the stage so that you will never be sure if anything they say is true, and as long as you are not on guard, then they will amp up their manipulation in some of these following ways.

They Constantly Deny Things They Had Said
"Honey, when will you fix this door? You said you would get to it later in the week and it's Saturday already". "What? I never said anything like that"....
 Even if you have proof of it, they will borderline swear an oath with the Holy Book that they did not say it, and the more they do it, the less sure you become of anything and the more you rely on them to show you the light, which of course they have no intention of doing.

They Use Things You Care About As Weapons
They know of your dreams and aspirations and what they mean to you, and how dear your sister is to you, so they will say things like "you know you're too lazy/slow/inept to be in that line of work", and "your sister is a bad influence on you, do you think your mom will be happy if you leave me like your sister left her spouse?". And so on and so forth, making you feel lucky to be with them because they know you so damn well and accept you despite your numerous flaws.

The Frog In A Pot Of Boiling Water
Because they do it so gradually, you will not feel the pressure all at once; a few light lies in the start, some nasty comments over time, and before you know it it has reached the climax yet you are still holding on to the illusion of love. Same as with the frog in the pot of boiling water, it starts out with a cool comfortable temperature and as the heat is gradually turned up, it is soon boiling before the frog realizes what is going on.

Their Actions And Words Do Not Match
They will say a lot of things; "you're the best thing that has happened to me", "I will change", "I love you", etc, but none of these words mean a thing; they are all just empty talk worth nothing and their actions always bring you down.

They Seem To Be Positive For You, Sometimes
Every now and then they will give you some morale boost and words of encouragement like "Seems like you're finally getting the hang of keeping the house clean and tidy". While this seems like a compliment, it is just another tool on their belt because they live in the same house, right? So the house being clean serves them as well.
What this random positivity does is to keep you unsure of things because it seems like they are actually good people with your interests at heart but rest assured they are not. Remember the Devil was an angel of light once.

They Weaken You With Confusion
Stability makes people comfortable while confusion weakens them and this is their goal, to keep you weak and dependent on them because you will always turn to them when you need some stability in  your life.

They Turn People Against You
In a bid to isolate you so that you are easier to control and also find people who will stand by them, they will tell you false statements implying that other people know you are no good or you are weak so that you turn to them for support and invariably fall deeper into their traps.

They Are Dismissive Of You
They tell you that you're crazy and also joke about it to others so that it becomes easier to keep you in a position where you believe that, and others will also find it hard to believe that the gaslighter is manipulative and abusive; the things you do and say mean very little to them once you are in their control.

They Project Their Behaviors On You
If they are cheats, they accuse you of cheating; if they are drunks, they accuse you of alcoholism and because they are manipulators, they accuse you of manipulating their feelings to get your ends. Once you react to this and attempt to defend yourself, you feed in to their plan and are distracted from what they are doing even more.

These are the main things to look out for when you suspect that you are being gaslighted, and you should expect a lot of opposition if you attempt to let them know that you are on to them. Because love tends to throw everything into a shade of roses at least at first, you should take care to keep safe from the clutches of a narcissist whose qualities I will tell you all about next time. Til then, stay foxxy!!

Also read here!

                                                      XOXO

THE UNREPENTANT B***H

Foxxy Females...

Let's just be real for a second here; sometimes a relationship gets so bad that you are at pains not to commit homicide and such; and in worse cases  it gets to a point even beyond that, when you feel you have to hold your whole being tight to keep yourself from imploding or exploding.

In moments like these, it is sensible to take a step back from your union and view it with some objectivity.
Do you walk away, and throw out all those years/months/weeks/seconds haha whatever time you spent working on this thing?
Do you craft a plot for revenge so thick it's bursting at the seams; like one that is doing the rounds on social media of a certain 'Mama Racheal'?
Do you stay and 'fight for your relationship' as we are told by society any sensible woman should do?
Or do you take the situation as it presents itself, and turn it into a profit for yourself?

Let us analyse below the various pitfalls you may encounter in your relationship to turn nice, sweet you into an unrepentant b-word of the worst variety, and how you can best try to avoid becoming sour and salty as hell by analysing the four questions I have asked above.

Cheater
I start with this one that should probably be last owing to the weight it carries, but let's just get it out of the way. If he cheats once, it will be to your discretion to forgive him even though there's a good chance he will do it again.
He might have been inebriated, or under the powerful influence of lust coupled with crappy friends and females of loose morals; generally a recipe for disaster. Whatever the case, moving on might leave you wondering about what could have been while forgiving him may give him the balls to do it again.
How he acts after the event might give you a preview of the future because if he seems not too affected by his misdeeds, he probably does not think it is a bad thing he is doing and he will naturally take the next opportunity that presents itself.
If he cheats a second time, I would advice you to leave physically, or mentally, or emotionally or all three because that's just who he is and I am yet to meet a woman who gets off on being cheated on, although these are strange times we are living in.......

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire
If you are like me in that you very rarely lie especially to the people in your inner circles, then random lies from your guy will irritate you like smoke in the eyes and in both cases you can only stay in the situation for so long before getting overwhelmed.
My solution? Try talking to him and explaining to him in terms that a five year old would understand; use diagrams if necessary. Let him know the lies are getting in the way of something potentially wonderful, ask him how you can help him to stop, and do your very best to assist. If willing or able, see a professional and sort it out. If it persists and you cannot stand it, well....

Mommy's Boy
As the mother of a boy, I have the idea that I will have a hard time letting my well-raised and all-rounded son (God-willing) just go off to be with a woman whom I feel is not worthy of his awesomeness. However, I will make my very best effort to let him have a life and make his own decisions as it is foolhardy to imagine that I can control all his actions. 
Kudos to him if he feels that he still loves and values me enough to want to spend time with me; willingly. Otherwise, I will hopefully have businesses to run, hobbies to work on, and places to travel to that will keep me busy enough that I do not become a meddlesome mother-in-law.
I have to say it sucks meeting a guy you like/love only to realize that his mother has him by his bootstraps; dates will get cancelled immediately she calls and travel plans shelved whenever she has some whim. It may be beyond her control to let her son go but it is entirely up to him to put his foot down and set the boundaries as it takes two to tango after all.
Of all the ills, this one is the most stubborn because he has to enojy her control over him to keep letting her have her way even if he claims he is doing so to keep the peace. He cannot entirely ignore her; neither should he, and he will always love her more than you, but there has to be a line somewhere and he is the one to draw it.
Get ready to leave if he cannot or will not shake her off soon because after you two get married it can only get worse; the moment you exchange those vows with a momma's boy then you also swear to have her by your side til death do you part.

In-Laws To-Be, From Hell
For some reason or other, the majority of in-laws feel like they are in direct competition with you and will take every chance they can to prove their dominance. This leads to a headache of a relationship but as is the case with the mommy's boy, it is up the guy to draw the necessary lines and stick to his guns defending his family. If he leaves you to battle it out with them with no input, just know you have an uphill task of fighting til the last day, and ask yourself if you are up to this task.

Sticky Exe's
Is she still texting him sweet nothing, or innocently 'just checking up on him'? This is no good because sooner or later he's bound to fall headfirst into her honeypot, after all he has been there before and if you fight and he needs some comfort, guess where he will find it.
Let him know your days are numbered if he won't choose between them and you once and for all because friendship aside, why are they still hanging around in the background, hhmmm? Same way you save some money for a rainy day and spend the rest, he is also probably saving them for a rainy day.
This also applies to you; you know that ex that forwards you all those funny things on telegram and whatsapp, and every so often tells you how he misses you, letting a heart-eyes or kiss emoji slip in the mix? Is there any promise that when you are at the worst point of your relationship you won't go running into his arms, and fall into his bed? Let not the kettle be calling the pot black; clean up your act and tell him to come up to the standard that you have set.

Controlling Mofo
This hurts my head just thinking about it. why does a man who has not raised you to the point you have grown to feel the need to tell you where your hem should reach? Why should he demand you hand over your payslip every end-month, and tag along to every event you attend, cross-examining your friends - the female friends no less?
A healthy relationship is founded on trust and if he cannot trust you to be a decent and mature human being, what can he trust you to do and what exactly does he want you for, ask yourself. Slavery was deemed unethical for a reason, and even our creator gave us free-will to do as we may so if he feels he needs to be withing earshot of every single call you make and receive then a disaster is brewing.
This need to control one's spouse arises from issues of low self-esteem, and over time this individual will have exhausted patience to keep looking after you and resign to the imaginary fact that you will leave eventually, or you are cheating on him, so he will start cheating in order to one-up you.
Physical abuse will grow from mental and spiritual abuse and honestly my friend, what are you still doing with him? He may mistreat you in front of family or friends to prove some silly point and will despise your loved ones as well, so the best thing you can do for him is to leave him, and give him the contacts of an institution that can give him the help he clearly needs.

Stingy Mofo
Your man is not supposed to be your ATM, get your own money, woman! But if every time you need some quick cash to sort some bills, or buy something important, or make a much needed investment then it's always excuses, let him know in no uncertain terms that you would love it if he supported you more. As long as you're not digging him for gold, this is a perfectly sensible expectation to have of the person in your life unless you're loaded and money ain't a thing.

Broke Mofo
So this is a bit tricky, because like I said above you should get your own money. Also, a man cannot have his worth as a human being measured by his bank's contents. I however take issue with openly getting the tab or paying for groceries or rent while in a relationship, to the extent that if I am the one paying up, I always give him the cash well in advance and out of peoples' sight so he can sort the expense on my tab.
The same way society expects women to be natural caregivers and raise their children with love and patience, it is only fair to expect men to be natural providers and protectors. What compounds this issue is if he is not making an effort to get out of his current situation.
You alone can tell what needs you want met by him and how much you are willing to compromise so if his poverty becomes too much to bear, do yourselves both a favour and leave, because nothing is as terrible as a loaded woman nitpicking on her man because he's broke in her eyes.

Join me next time my dears, for the analysis of the options you have in case of any or all (gasp!) of the scenarios I have listed above and the consequences of each of them and til then, stay foxxy!

Read over here too!

                                                    XOXO

WELCOME, FOXXY MAMAS!!

Hello there, foxxy ladies! This short post is a welcome note to my blog where I will write on all things relationship from advice and my own experiences, to relationship hacks, recipes, and crafts :) Sounds like a lot to cover here? Well just sit back and relax, observe all the drama because you can be assured that I will fear no controversy and after all what is a little dissapproval for a millennial who knows exactly what they want in life? Nothing, ha!
So do keep it locked and remember that feedback is always welcome and I will do my best to respond immediately, and if there is a particular topic you would like me to write about then let me know and I will see what I can do. Tune in next week for my very first post and till then, stay safe!

Read more here!

XOXO