INTUITION IN RELATIONSHIPS

 Hello mis amigos! I hope you've all been well. The rains are finally here with us and it's so great; the nostalgia that great skies bring to me is just something else....
Anyway, today I'm going to write about the rarely-discussed super power that is intuition. I have actually been asked if I practice some form of witchcraft by some guy because the second he started to dog around I always knew, regardless of how much he changed his tactics and all. I was flattered by that for some strange reason, unfortunately not enough to forgive the scoundrel though so that was that.
So is there anything to the famous 'gut-feeling'? In my experience, there is, so we should learn to tune in to ourselves and make sure we keep it and nurture it, because it can be lost if abused, or used for evil haha....
Needless to say, there are so many advantages to being intuitive in your relationship- you know the couple who's always completing each other's sentences and getting the other what they want/need without them having said it out loud?
That's healthy intuition.
To say the truth, though, there's no unhealthy intuition, but rather toxic unions where one partner feeds the other so much dirt and ill health that the intuitive partner ends up spiritually sick, and this sickness consumes them from within working its way out and eventually poisoning the entire relationship.are untested theories that have up until now not been tested enough or have not yielded worthwhile results.
Unfortunately, I only know how to get into this situation but not really how to get out because so far all that I have
So how do you get here? If you are the intuitive, then you lose touch with your partner when they hurt you so often or so bad that you essentially expel them from your psyche and lock them out, more as a defense mechanism than anything else. Whatever it is that they have done to get you there; be it cheating, gas-lighting, or constantly lying and being undependable, just know that you will get no closure by doing it back to them so that they 'know how you felt'. This will only end up hurting you more, so in the event that you feel you are beyond repair, the greatest favor you can do for yourself is to leave the relationship which may hurt initially, but over time you will heal and things will be sunny again.

If however you are, say, married, and maybe even have kids, the verdict is still out on that one, but one thing that has been great for me is to keep busy with anything and everything- cook, sew, write, make crafts, work out, go back to school etc just do anything that keeps your mind occupied. Of course you have to go back in the evening to the root cause of your problem in which case the anger rises up again like an old injury aches on a cold day but hard as it may be, just avoid any aggression though you may be craving for it. Walk away from any looming confrontation because even if you physically fight to the death, the pain will still be there, and you will have a body to bury on top of all that (bad joke I guess but honestly just get it and laugh or fume and move on, your call).
I realize this post started out about intuition but has spiraled into healing after being cheated on and I'm trying to turn it back around so hear me out, like I said the cold season is here and with it are memories I wish I could bury before they bury me.
When you are not the intuitive one, you can try and be attentive, and I believe you can grow something like 'acquired intuition', if you will, from this. Listen to your partners' words as well as their actions. Do not ever use their feelings against them and of course never ever use something they told you about themselves in confidence in a fight. You may win but you will have become a monster

in their eyes, and honestly it's always so much easier to cause harm than it is to undo it. Also never take the liberty to 'know what they mean' or 'care for their best intentions' when you know you are just soothing your aching ego and salving your sick conscience; for example flirting with someone else in their presence then sheepishly saying when confronted 'I know that turns you on a bit' or 'I like it when you're jealous, it's cute' or 'you know that you're the one I really love'.

Which brings me to something else; show your love; it's never enough to just say it a million times because it loses taste and meaning even on the occasions when it may be true. Don't say you love your partner then cheat on them with their friend or some random office worker you came across just because they are at home and won't know; or even if they know, you're sure that they love you and/or have kids with you so they won't leave anyway. Honestly what the effing eff even.
Don't say you love them if you cannot put their interests before your own, time and again, no matter how trivial they may seem to you.
Don't say you love them then manipulate and gas-light the ever-living hell out of them.
Don't say you love them if you just can't take their feelings and sentiments seriously and you feel as if they are doing and saying things to trap or manipulate you because either way; if they are, you ought to leave them but if they aren't then you're just reflecting your behavior on them and imagine they are acting as you would if in that situation so,uummm, leave yourself.....?
Or love yourself and grow the hell up.

Hear them when they tell you that they don't like it when you take pictures of attractive members of the opposite sex while you're at some social gathering TOGETHER, or when you respond in a 'neutral' way to texts from your  exes or love interests. Just stop it if you love them, and don't try to claim that you would not drive a dagger through their hearts (or hack them to death with an ax in public) because there is really no difference - both ways you kill them.
It's not even a hormonal thing because betrayal hurts all genders, ages, tribes, and religions so if it would hurt if done to you then why do it to the person you're with? Are you the Devil from Eden testing how strong their loyalty is? Because if you are then you should know it will hurt them whatever your justification for it is; just slither back down to hell.
Because it hurts that much more when you claim that you love them.
And then some more when they just happen to believe you and love you back.

What now if you didn't have the common sense to know the above and are now with Bruno Mars; locked out of heaven? I honestly don't know. Pray, maybe. Keep the lines of communication open when they want to talk -while they want to talk, because a time will come when they won't and honestly then that's done.
If you are already at this point when they are not bugging you with 'we need to discuss this and find a way forward', or 'I miss us, and wish we were the way we were before', or even 'do you think we will get through this?', then I guess just leave them; you've already lost them and their physical presence means absolutely nothing.

I hope there was some help here; don't dig yourself a hole you won't be able to climb out of, and conversely if you have been pushed into a shallow grave by your significant other, don't grow cold, ugly, and bitter, there may be someone down the road who will turn all this around, but again don't count on it, just focus on being happy and nice for your own peace of mind and personal satisfaction, no one's worth it in the end....
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                                                                      X O

THE APP OF THE DEVIL LOL

The day of lovers, what a wonderful, warm, love-inspiring name.... if only we were a pair of normal people who did not respond to feelings of disconnection in our relationship by downloading tinder on our phones *sigh*. Welcome to today's post though, read on, that you may be wiser where I was not, and that you may not fall in the same potholes I fell in....

The story begins when we have a mood fight at some point of the evening because I'm feeling unwell and don't get the degree of pampering for the length of time I had envisioned and I end up feeling lonely, bored, restless, and alone.

 They were not wrong when they talked about an idle mind being the devil's workshop, and in the wee hours of the night with sleep still some light years away from me, I get a bright idea. Pick up my phone, and try to resist at the last moment, opening pinterest to look at some crochet ideas in a small effort to occupy my mind. It doesn't really work, the way nothing does when you have sex on your mind, so with a sigh, I open the play store, and start to type.

It seems the universe is plotting with me here, I get the suggestion just after the first letter and click on it, then click 'install' with a kind of anxious hope that my phone does not have enough memory but alas, I did get the extra RAM for moments like this, clever, silly me. At this point I am strangely starting to get sleepy but it's too late now and there's no turning back. So I log in, and get asked to confirm my phone number, but start to get taken round in circles because I didn't pick the facebook option to log in, and I didn't want to because *information theft.....
I have to do this in the end though, and this worsens my already bad mood some more, but I am in, and I have messages, from my past chats, like a year and a half ago. I curiously go through them, stealthily creeping along not to trip any live wires that might be there, but only for a second. I loose the care in a snap and go through the messages, responding to some, ignoring others, swiping left and right on the main page, etc. I get a message and I am rather surprised, it is after all half past one in the morning, and I though it would take a while to get those old gears going. It's a blast from the past, with a VERY randy message, one that makes me look over my shoulder in a mix of fear and childish glee.

Wow....
Do I want to do this really?
I don't feel too sure if this is what I wanted........... So I respond in the positive and it's on, but not for long. Seems my chat-mate is sleepy as he's soon offline, I learn after I doze off myself and wake up to no responses. I get a brief vision of hastily undressing in the throes of passion just to fall asleep before any activities, barking dogs, ha.
Naturally, I awake with some difficulty at some minutes past eight and wonder if my indiscretion is still private.... The notification bar is alive with a million things; twitter, whatsapp, instagram, telegram, text, and of course, tinder. I carry the phone to the living room where he's sat down, we pour the tea and pair it with some sweet potatoes that I regret buying; they are watery and stringy as hell but well whatever.
A child randomly yells outside, another screams, so I go outside to investigate but cannot come to any conclusion with no injuries in sight, I go back to my tea. We have some conversation about nothing in particular amidst sips of tea and screams of babies, and he asks if I will be so kind as to open the gate for him, I agree, and though I catch something there I am not too sure what it is so I
release it.
He leaves, I finish my tea, then pick my phone up from the seat where I left it, and start to clear the notifications one by one, but there are no red flames from tinder any more..... I was sure there were about four when I woke up, or did I open the damn app before going out to look at the yelling kids? I can honestly not remember at all so I let it go, no point losing my mind over something I will know soon enough, one way or another.
Days pass and I guess he's gotten as numb as me, or is playing some strange game so I think ok, I will wait it out and cross that bridge when I come to it.....
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WAYS IN WHICH PEOPLE RESPOND TO BEING CHEATED ON

Hello my lovely foxxes, I trust that you have been well and that you're chasing your dreams with lots of vigour, working on your well being and what not :-)

So, early this week I came across a post on Twitter of a scorned woman calling out her 'co-wife' and saying she's left her home to her randy husband and her because she could not stop screwing a man she knew was married. Of course people in the comments had all manner of opinions, from supporting her and consoling her to being shitty insensitive supporters of the guy, or his side chick, or both haha.
I felt her pain because I have been on the receiving end of this nonsense more than once and I knew the range of emotions she must have gone through. She got to putting it up on social media though, and I always stopped just one step short of this as I thought it would work against me in the long run because 1, the internet never forgets, and 2, we don't know what the future has in store for us and life has a funny way sometimes. Plus, keyboard warriors are the worst; they don't know you and they don't really care so your chances of being bullied right off the edge of that cliff you're standing on are very high.
We are all different though, and being a person who never told anyone about it -family, friends, or frienemies- I never understand how someone goes online to air this laundry out....
So it got me thinking of the different ways in which people respond to being cheated on because it occurred to me that there's quite a few, and I wrote this article up, about the different categories of scorned women out there .... Read on, and be sure to let me know in the comments section which of these categories you fall under, if you dare haha  

THE FORGIVING WIFE
I have to say that this is either the most common, or the rarest of the categories, depending on who you listen to. You have to consider the fact that most of those who forgive do not go public with the information in the first place so this survey is grossly off, mainly because they feel shame and feel as if society will judge them for being cheated on (which it does almost always anyway). So rather than be told that the randy animal of a male strayed because she couldn't cook, or couldn't sex him right, or placed career or children before him, they choose to stay mum and just swallow the pain caused to them.
This results in one of two things, either the woman will get so bitter from all the heartache and will loathe all other women she perceives might be in a better situation than her, and will live the most miserable life you could imagine. Alternatively she will try to hold it in, but without regular outlet the pressure builds up slowly over time then like a pressure cooler, boom! A homicide, suicide, or both are the worst case scenarios in this case.
The other type of forgiver is the one that is lucky enough to have a partner that truly regrets his action, and works through some healing process religiously resulting in a better future for both, and a happy marriage in the end. If you have one of these unicorns, pray every day that they will not be corrupted by the millions of mules out there lol.


THE VIOLENT WIFE

This class is glorified in movies, I guess because, well, drama. She will key your car, or spray paint it lewd things. She will trash the house if it's yours or throw you out like a dog if it's hers. She will sue you if she can and will cut off your friend's and family, calling you all a classless nasty lot that everyone should avoid, then she will leave in a huff after causing as much physical damage as she possibly can afford to.
Sometimes she will be violent, ambushing you when you don't really expect it or can't do anything in your defence. Other times she will pretend all is well, but will start to grind glass and mix it in your food, waiting patiently for the day you die an agonizing death then bury you and your nonsense with a perfect poker face. I have to say at this point that I do not endorse any of these actions, at any point or for any reason. Life is sacred and no one has the right to take it away from somebody else.

THE EYE FOR AN EYE WIFE
I have heard that this one is a bad one, mainly because she does to you what you did to her, only more publicly, or with someone that it just kills you to imagine, like your boss, your best friend, your brother, your father....
Because the guy will feel her pain and realize he has absolutely no excuse that can be viable, it hurts all the more especially when he asks the same questions he asked and gets the same responses that he gave; they do say that revenge is a dish best served cold.
Most of the time she does this as a last resort and really doesn't care if you leave her or not, as long as she gave you a taste of your own medicine, then that's fine with her. For the obvious reasons like disease or an awkward pregnancy especially in the event the two stick together, this method seems to me the equivalent of splattering your own clothes with mud because someone came and sat next to you with mud on THEIR clothes. Love is said to be blind, but some of the times its deaf, dumb, and down right crazy as well... I will stop here because I am not too far from this type of madness, as you shall see in the future if you stick around lol.


THE DRAMATIC WIFE
This category is men's favorite one, because there is plenty of huffing and puffing, but no action in the end. She will cry and yell, threaten to kill and threaten to leave, threaten to tear you to pieces with her bare hands and say she will not put up with this shit.
At the end of it all, it will be a lot of words and no action, so the guy often just waits until it blows over, resets and goes back to his side chick next time: rinse and repeat. The more a woman does this, though, the more she demeans herself and sets up the stage for her downfall soon, because everyone knows that a barking dog never bites, her partner will have no reason to change because he can have his cake and eat it too and will get comfortable in his ways.

THE WIFE IN DENIAL
This one will never see the husband as the actual problem, but will always see other women as the issue with her relationship. We all know that men lie, so sometimes they manage to fool some naive girl that they are in love and she buys it at the recommended retail price. She either does not get to know that the randy goat is married, or knows but falls for the classic 'we are going through our divorce and I'm miserable but I love you' crap and while this is not to say it's a valid excuse, it happens. Or the other woman is simply a classic hoe.
Now the wife comes to know about the affair and what does she do? Gets the other woman's number and calls her up with threats and insults, or physically goes to her and slaps her around, or if she's powerful enough she hires a hit man to finish off her competition.

Why does she do this, you wonder, does she not see her guy is the issue? She does, but does not want to accept it, so she resents other women who she feels might be desirable to her man (if he can still be called that), and makes herself his bodyguard, barking at any female entity that dares come near hers.
In my opinion, this just keeps working against her because what she has done is tell her guy 'whatever you do, (whoever you do), I will be there waiting to catch you when you fall'. So he will keep at it until he gets tired, fat chance of that happening though.


So there you go, what do you think about my list? Did I leave any type of scorned woman unmentioned? Be sure to let me know in the comments section if I have, and until next time, keep it foxxy my dears!!
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A ROYAL WEDDING, AND A FALSE ACCUSATION

While Meghan Markle was lucky kissing her prince sometime last year, some of us -myself included- were still struggling with the toads that we chose to be yoked to for eternity. It was a very busy weekend in general terms; and today's post is not advice or anything like that, but a story of sorts that you may or may not learn a lesson from so hear ye, hear ye, my sorrowful tale of being falsely accused....

It has happened so many times that I lost count, but there was a previous incident whereby after filling the kiddy pool with water and trying to get the babies to play in it, we went to the house, and left our resident trouble maker outside. The water had still been running because it was so slow in filling the pool so he said he was going to shut it since we were done and off he went in the direction of the tap.
Quick jump to the evening, when the driveway was filled with water and I was outside doing some light weeding in the kitchen garden when he came up to me and said, 'you know you drained the pool'.
This sounded strange and because I was surprised I asked him, 'what?' To which he repeated his statement, and said that when I pulled the pipe out of the tap with the other end still in the pool, it siphoned the water out hence the wet driveway and almost empty pool.
I stood upright and told him, in the most calm way that I could, that I was not insane, and I had not even gone near the tap since leaving the area with the pool. He was the one who shut the tap and did whatever else he did so why now was he blaming me?
He must not have expected this because he just turned around and walked away, smart if you ask me, and good for both of us as it would save us a tiring exchange, more so on our son's second birthday.
So now on the weekend in question, it seemed to me that he is trying to refresh his gaslighting on me by doing things and then very sanely and calmly blaming me to see if I fall for it. Unfortunately, I have learnt that this is his trick so now my immediate reaction when he accuses me of anything is to deny, deny, deny, as he always does.

This time, my latest gripe, is when he tried blaming me for not giving him complete feedback about an engineer he had requested me to follow up for him, concerning verification of some drawings. As the story went, we were together that whole day, when I called up my contact person who told me that he did not personally know any registered engineers, but that he knew someone who worked in a printing shop who might know one- a broker, if you will. I told him thanks and he forwarded the number to me and I relayed the info back to my deaf-man; in a conversation that went as follows:
Me: So I don't think we'll get any help from there as he said his dad is not registered and he does not personally know a registered engineer, the person who's number he has forwarded to me is just someone who works in a printing shop so he will broker us and will definitely want some payment in return, defeating the purpose of the cheapness we are trying to get.
Him: .... Silence......... Then call him and ask him if he can send us to the person he works for and we will negotiate.
Me: The person he works for is a printer. They do not have any drawing or approving capabilities because they just print. Will you be fine with being sent to someone else through him, then pay both of them?
Him: Just call him and ask him.
Me: Here's his number, I think it would be better if you talked to him as I'm not sure what or how exactly I'm supposed to ask him.
Him: Well if he's not an actual engineer then it's fine I guess he can't help us.

*****************************conversation ends*********************************

So, at some point his phone went off and he needed to talk to some people and meet up so we put his sim card in mine and he had it for the better part of the evening.

Forward to the next day, where he's out and I can't reach him due to network disturbances and I have a long day comprising of cramps and burning my fingers on the ugali sufuria. At some point his mother calls me and after some small talk asks me when I last spoke to him, and I can literally hear the disapproval in her voice when I tell her about three hours ago, to which she says ok, goodnight, talk tomorrow, then we hang up.
This gets me feeling some (bad) type of way because it is not the first time that his parents have said and/or implied that I need to constantly know where he, is, and reach out to him, call him, and talk to him. But just how the shit do you keep tabs on a grown man with his own agenda who most of the times picks up your call with a sigh, because you're just bugging the soul out of him? I need a course on how to do this, and I also think that if his parents could not tame him in all the time they have known him, it's unfair to give me that responsibility; I have never in my life professed to being a miracle worker.

So anyway finally his phone goes through, and my emotions are still smarting from the call and trying to restrain myself from saying something stupid, as I often do when angry. We start off on a bad note but things calm down and there's actually even a light joke thrown somewhere in there at some point.
He calls me when he's at the gate, and says he has the key anyway so don't bother. I say ok but go outside all the same after some minutes so I can close it once he's in, but there are no characteristic lights under the gate to signal his presence. I stand around for a bit then go back in, because the cold is making me miserable.

After a few minutes, I hear the gate open, he gets in, and closes it, and gets into the house, says hi to the kids, and comes to the room, where I am, having just gotten out of the loo.

No hello, so I volunteer one that gets the coldest response you ever heard, and before I can recover, he hits me with 'why did you refuse to follow up with the lead we had for a registered engineer?' I literally wonder out loud, 'what the fk!?' 'I refused to follow up???? did you show interest past the point we left it at? I told you he sent me a number and you had the phone, did you call him??' He walks out of the room and heads into the kitchen.

At this juncture I realize I have just gone fifty shades angrier but I cannot stop myself, and I try, believe me. I follow him there, and tell him to try and not blame me for his mistakes and failures because when I offer to help it does not mean that he needs to step out of the situation and be an observer, with no input. He says it's ok and he will help himself in the future and will never ask for my help, so I can just leave it at that he does not want to listen to me anymore.
This strikes a raw nerve, so I do what every angry woman does; cut open an old wound then pour the salt in. Suddenly it's about his being late a month ago, it's his general irresponsibility, the way he talks to me, etc etc. and just everything else we have ever fought about. He's getting angry and asking what that has to do with anything, could I please just shut the hell up and leave him alone, he just wants some peace etc, but I'm on a roll so I carry on, til I'm all spent, and go back to the bedroom just after he calls his mother asking her what she told me over the phone to get me so upset.
I don't hear the exchange though it's a short conversation. I know she's going to take this opportunity to give me a talk of how to stay well in a 'marriage' as if this sham is one, and as if I'm responsible of the actions for her son. I get madder at the thought but pour some whisky in a plastic cup and drink it bitterly and I guess it calms me down  bit.
I get to work on the laptop doing random things and put up a blog post (not this one, I'm not that fast haha) and end up sleeping at 3 a.m.
Is this how I want to raise our kids really? Did I not learn from my mum and dad that this is the recipe for messed up adults?
Stay foxxy out there.
I wish I had more alcohol.

XOXO

YOLO

A Happy New year to all of you my foxy mamis!! And I do hope that a wonderful and successful season awaits you ahead.
A million apologies for my very long absence, but I was chasing paper on trade fairs and only now settled down a bit. I absolutely had to get something written as the pressure was building to dangerous levels.....

So I have to warn you in advance that today's piece is a bit different in taste from what I normally write, though this is in no way to say I have run out of drama - quite the contrary actually haha....

We started the year on a sad note though, with the attack in Westlands Riverside area, in which 14 unfortunate souls lost their lives. It was a senseless war waged by confused people against innocent civilians and it served to sober us to the reality of how fickle life is for each one of us. 

Maybe this inspired the feelings I'm having, or maybe it's the general flow of events in the past few months, or even just hours, but whatever the case, here's the note on which I ended my day...

I remembered my mom last year telling me of a friend of hers who had lost her husband of a long time, and who she used to argue with every minute. My mum said the two were always at each other's throats so when the husband passed on, it came as a kind of strange occurrence to find the widow devastated (she helped out with finances around the house so she was financially kinda OK, if this is important, this is to say she wasn't totally dependent on him).

My mum gave her condolences and offered a listening ear to which the lady poured out her woes, lamenting how she missed her bastard of a husband (in her own words btw). She said she would give anything to hear him yell at her just one more time, and she missed him terribly and did not know what to do because she realized now in his absence she rather loved him.

Back to today, when some images of the grisly attack were shared onlines some kinda hazy and out of focus but most clear and discernible. It made my head spin to think that the unfortunate people caught out who didn't make it out had family, friends, enemies, nemesis, maybe kids, siblings, and parents who loved them and such.

I realized that most of the things we fight over are inconsequential in the grand scheme, and just a waste of time that we already are very short on. In the end what matters the most is what we felt, and it is only logical that we feel more when we have people around us to feel it with us.
We tend to focus on the negatives because the human brain is a scumbag of an organ that loves to torture its bearers for no reason other than that it can, and by so doing we spend so little time on the positives which is sad.

I remember seeing in a book I read a long time ago that the bitter heart eats its owner, and for the longest time I did not understand what this meant, but hind vision is 20/20 and it could not be clearer now. Letting go of hurt takes supernatural strength, I know because I have been on the receiving end of the deceit of being cheated on, but we are born of stars so I believe we can achieve whatever we set our minds on.
I am not saying I will forget everything that was done to me, although it would be so much better if I could, but I will stop scratching at those scars and just let them heal as they best can. I will not go down that road of angry loathing and tired disrespect because I do not know what tomorrow holds and I do not want to live to a ripe old age alone, biter, and full of regret.

I will seize the damn day, and smile when I can, because days are coming when I won't be able to. I will work on forgiving the past not only because I love him (or loved him, depends on when you ask haha), but because I love me and I'm tired of carrying around luggage in my life which I won't even leave this world with.

So I hope you can do the same my foxxy loves, not for anyone else but for yourself because no one else will do it for you. You do also have to be the change you wish to see in the world, according to Ghandi, so stay foxxy ladies, and until next time, let loose the self love!!

                                          XOXO

WHO IS A MAN?

If you came to this page from google results feeling a bit sentimental or poetic, or searching for some deep understanding or even biological definition, then I apologize in advance because this is not what that is at all.
This is more like a detailed analysis of the characters that I have been unlucky enough to know, so no good vibes here lol.
Before you misread my intentions with those lines, however, let it be clear that I know that there are cases where men are great and sensible; model members of society whom we wish our sons would emulate and our daughters end up with.
I know some marriages do work, with lots of work from both parties to make it last, and so it does.
Following is more like a summary of some of my experiences so far.A small part of me-the hope that escaped the massacre that my feelings were taken through- still expects a kind of 'knight-in-shining-armor but before I digress further, here we go.....

He Will:
Chat with and exchange pictures of himself and other random things with different women, changing the script each time an occurrence arises, and swiftly learning what to do and say so as to get your leniency and yet more chances (to waste your time).

Talk warmly with random females in public, giving them the impression that he is the most charming man out there and that he would blow the competition out of the water. Most times he will let them know if he is otherwise involved because he knows how some women are like, quick to jump into bed with him as they believe they can offer him something that you cannot hence they will cater to him and sweep him off his feet.

Act like an angel to you when you are in public with him, especially in front of his mother, father, and other relatives, so that they are under the illusion that you want for nothing and if you ever leave, you are the bad guy.

Gaslight you every step of the way; to a point that you do not even know who your family and friends are, and with this confusion already planted in your life it will be so much easier for you to fall into his traps of 'she never meant anything to me' and 'you have no idea how much I regret chatting with her and sleeping with her friend and afterwards trying to get her to go for round two after you caught me the first time and forgave me'.....

Mentally deplete your strength and coping abilities and esteem to the point that you feel as if you need him in order to just survive. His toxic presence will keep you feeling sickly safe as he has drilled it into your head that no one else can want you, and life for a single mom with not one but two of his children would be so hard.......

Take advantage of your kindness and have you feeling as if you need to do so much more in order to keep him interested and focused on only you.

Never pull his weight in the relationship, and when you muster the courage to call him out for this he will either sulk until you apologize to him, or he will show you  how bad you are yourself so you can apologize.

Act extremely surprised when caught at a negative point such as cheating or almost cheating, then go from that to a full sulk that will have him refusing to eat the food you serve him, and actually even giving you the silent treatment until you behave yourself and humbly ask for his forgiveness.

Be an endless vortex sucking in energy from you to stoke his impoverished ego, needing affirmations each and every second of how great he is as a human  being, but never giving back in return.

Cheat so often and regularly in different occasions that you will be at pains to keep tabs on him, and thanks to the brainwashing he has put you through already you will doubt your instincts and just forgive him because it is easier that way for your heavily taxed mind.

Make sure that you are not financially stable by inducing you to make important purchases because he is currently unable to until your stash runs out, and try to get you to leave your job and find a better one, raising the bar each time some potential comes along.

Break your heart so repeatedly and so thoroughly that you never feel the need to love again and are unable to be completely happy as yourself; traumatize you from being with someone even if they truly deserve you.

Make you lose trust in every single human being on earth because his behaviors are normal, it is your expectations that aren't, and you are not as perfect as you 'keep telling' him you are so just drop it, he is simply being human.

Find a way to correlate seemingly random and distant things you do so that they seem like a good enough excuse for what he did, and when you catch him at it then he will reverse the situation an make it seem as though you are the one doing it.

Simply not care for you; dismissing you when you are sick and sometimes even being extra mean to you when you are unwell and totally unable to put up a fight with him. If you insist on your feeling bad he will give a half-assed get better soon and act as if you are faking it to some strange end, even if you never have done that.

Completely kill your creativity because every single idea you have is 'unattainable', 'too expensive and labor-intensive', 'beyond your expertise', etc etc until you do not even feel the urge to be innovative any more.

Constantly do the opposite of what he says, and not even bother with an explanation, just leaving you to do whatever you need to do to deal with it because he is never responsible for your feelings; you are, and you are also responsible for his.

Live in a reality that is tailored to suite him; forgetting things at will, planting memories of things that never happened, twisting things to look how he wants them to look and then insisting on that with a solid determination that will wear you down.

And finally he will demean you daily to a point where you choose to stay on through his abuse because you think he is merciful for putting up with you as you are not as good a chapati cook as his mom, or a good and tidy home-keeper like the neighbor's wife, or a good mother like his colleague at work who is climbing up the career ladder while juggling with her children at home and so on and so forth.


At this point I realize I have been a bit unfair and chosen to focus only on the negatives. I have edited this post a bit from the first time I wrote it, call it sentiment, or getting softer with age, I call it a blue moon, becaue I don't often change my mind in regards to things involving feelings, and my observations are generally rather accurate and well-carried out so.....

Anyway, I sign off with a heaviness in my heart because this is the last of all the last strokes that have ever been; this is it, the final goodbye. I feel I am completely drained and have nothing more to give but still more is being asked of me so my instinct of survival has kicked in and I cannot fight any more; just flee.

XO