PLEASE DON'T TRAP THAT MAN

Hello there dears! I hope you're doing great over there, and I'm here to offer some advice today, which you've probably heard before, but it bears repeating; do not trap that man. It doesn't matter if he's your soul mate, your perfect and better half, the father of your hypothetical kids, etc. Whatever; if he doesn't want to stay with you just let him go, please! You will work so hard at getting him nailed down in place, and then you will have to work at keeping him interested and working for his true love for the rest of your life, which is bound to be hard work....

Think of him like a cat that you want to put inside a box. If the cat does not want to get in the box and you force him, you will be scratched, and if you manage to put him in the box you'll have to work hard to keep him in there. Whenever you want to feed him you will have to open the box to quickly throw in the snack and close it as fast as possible, failure to which you may lose your cat, or your eye, or both because in the process you will receive plenty of scratches. Remember, once that pussy cat escapes the box prison, you will never see him again.
Forever ever.
Grim imagery, no?
Let's get more literal, then.
Imagine going to bed each night, and when he's not next to you, you know he's probably out with someone he feels something for, because once you manage to trap him all he will be thinking of is escaping; which is only human. Just ask the women out there who used pregnancy or some kind of manipulation to trap a guy how it's working out for them and they'll probably tell you it's not so great, that is if they are not still so deep in denial that they will lie through their teeth.

I personally know one who did so; trying to force his arm by getting him to sign on some 'agreement' that he would never want to have anything to do with the kid and when this did not yield the desired results she carried her pregnant self to his parents. She used all her armor, leaving nothing at all to chance - even using her family's background and her situation to evoke sympathy and it worked like a charm.
Or so it seemed.

The guy's mom took pity on her and implored her son to do the same and take her in; she was carrying her future grandchild after all. So she worked her way in, visiting almost every weekend and every time she could spare a moment, telling her new friend and soon to be mom-in-law every dirty little secret she could find of her son, and even a few of the other family members that she could find because, well, who doesn't like a little spy giving them outside perspective of their family?
Soon enough, she had the child and moved in with the guy and they became the perfect family, she had envisioned, but only for a while because soon enough he was out drinking most nights and hanging out with other girls. She would then report all the goings on to her 'mum-in-law' with the hopes that she would reign her son in and get him to act right, but honestly; what mother is going to turn against her son in favor of a woman who she just met? She is also a woman after all, and so she knows all these dirty little tricks that women use where men are concerned.
Eventually the cookie crumbled because she didn't really like the family and pretense can only last for so long, and she started to resent the regular family visits because she realized that she was on her own and the support she had hoped to get from the guy's mum had been a thin veil that wore out. It has gotten so bad that you can literally tell from the guy's expression when he sees the phone ringing that it's his 'wife' because he just gets so damn tired.
She's also not the best human being to be around to say the least- though she seems to be a good mom, to give credit where it's due. She's combative, argumentative, and always has to be the center of attention at all times, and the worst part of her character is that she tries to look like the better person by making other people around her look bad, and getting them in trouble randomly.
So right now watching their lives is kind of like watching some drama movie, and a bit depressing because they lady's angry, the guy is miserable, and the innocent kids (you read that right; more than one) are caught in the cross-hairs of a fight that they should never have been a part of, and they might grow up scarred when they start to see what's going on as they cannot escape it.

Moral of the story? You can take a goat/donkey/hyena/ whatever animal it is down to the river by force, but you cannot make it drink the water if it does not want to so save yourself the eternal headache and leave him the hell alone.
They do say to let them go even if you love them, and if they love you too, they will eventually find their way back to you.

The worst part is when you get a kid/kids in the mix like in the story above because then they become just a passport to your destination; and honestly what do you think will happen when you have the kid, then the guy does not want to even look at the poor bastard, who may resemble him beyond denial?
Will you be able to love him/her despite seeing the face of rejection of your love staring back at you, covered in mucus and dirt, asking you endless questions when all you want is some peace to get something done? Will you really be the mother to him/her that every child deserves because they never asked to be brought here after all; they're just the consequences of your sin? Will you hug them tight and tell them you love them every single day, and that they are the best thing to ever happen to you? Because every child needs that, and you can easily tell the adults that missed it growing up- they are grade A assholes.
Also, child rearing is EXPENSIVE, when you factor in milk, cooking daily for them, milk, a nanny if you are lucky enough to get a job, formula if you can't/won't breastfeed, and diapers (or nappies, nappy liners, pins, nylon underwear, mackintosh, and soap to clean them all up if you go the 'natural' way), so seriously think about it.
Final thought, life is too short to be spending your love where you won't get it back, and there's no point at all to be tapped in a loveless marriage just so you can be called Mrs so-and-so (it's overrated btw). So stay loving my friends, and do not fall into temptation to do the unthinkably unnecessary;chao!
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THE APP OF THE DEVIL LOL

The day of lovers, what a wonderful, warm, love-inspiring name.... if only we were a pair of normal people who did not respond to feelings of disconnection in our relationship by downloading tinder on our phones *sigh*. Welcome to today's post though, read on, that you may be wiser where I was not, and that you may not fall in the same potholes I fell in....

The story begins when we have a mood fight at some point of the evening because I'm feeling unwell and don't get the degree of pampering for the length of time I had envisioned and I end up feeling lonely, bored, restless, and alone.

 They were not wrong when they talked about an idle mind being the devil's workshop, and in the wee hours of the night with sleep still some light years away from me, I get a bright idea. Pick up my phone, and try to resist at the last moment, opening pinterest to look at some crochet ideas in a small effort to occupy my mind. It doesn't really work, the way nothing does when you have sex on your mind, so with a sigh, I open the play store, and start to type.

It seems the universe is plotting with me here, I get the suggestion just after the first letter and click on it, then click 'install' with a kind of anxious hope that my phone does not have enough memory but alas, I did get the extra RAM for moments like this, clever, silly me. At this point I am strangely starting to get sleepy but it's too late now and there's no turning back. So I log in, and get asked to confirm my phone number, but start to get taken round in circles because I didn't pick the facebook option to log in, and I didn't want to because *information theft.....
I have to do this in the end though, and this worsens my already bad mood some more, but I am in, and I have messages, from my past chats, like a year and a half ago. I curiously go through them, stealthily creeping along not to trip any live wires that might be there, but only for a second. I loose the care in a snap and go through the messages, responding to some, ignoring others, swiping left and right on the main page, etc. I get a message and I am rather surprised, it is after all half past one in the morning, and I though it would take a while to get those old gears going. It's a blast from the past, with a VERY randy message, one that makes me look over my shoulder in a mix of fear and childish glee.

Wow....
Do I want to do this really?
I don't feel too sure if this is what I wanted........... So I respond in the positive and it's on, but not for long. Seems my chat-mate is sleepy as he's soon offline, I learn after I doze off myself and wake up to no responses. I get a brief vision of hastily undressing in the throes of passion just to fall asleep before any activities, barking dogs, ha.
Naturally, I awake with some difficulty at some minutes past eight and wonder if my indiscretion is still private.... The notification bar is alive with a million things; twitter, whatsapp, instagram, telegram, text, and of course, tinder. I carry the phone to the living room where he's sat down, we pour the tea and pair it with some sweet potatoes that I regret buying; they are watery and stringy as hell but well whatever.
A child randomly yells outside, another screams, so I go outside to investigate but cannot come to any conclusion with no injuries in sight, I go back to my tea. We have some conversation about nothing in particular amidst sips of tea and screams of babies, and he asks if I will be so kind as to open the gate for him, I agree, and though I catch something there I am not too sure what it is so I
release it.
He leaves, I finish my tea, then pick my phone up from the seat where I left it, and start to clear the notifications one by one, but there are no red flames from tinder any more..... I was sure there were about four when I woke up, or did I open the damn app before going out to look at the yelling kids? I can honestly not remember at all so I let it go, no point losing my mind over something I will know soon enough, one way or another.
Days pass and I guess he's gotten as numb as me, or is playing some strange game so I think ok, I will wait it out and cross that bridge when I come to it.....
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WHAT GETTING CHEATED ON DOES TO YOU

It's not rocket science that getting cheated on sucks big time. Worse if your shit of a cheat is also gas-lighting you and is a narcissist.
There should be a unit in hospitals for people who get cheated on, and those who get all I've mentioned above done to them, not leaving behind victims of both physical and verbal abuse.
Damn, where did we go so wrong as a species?
Without further ado, here's my analysis of what happens to you when you get cheated on several times; a breakdown of a suffering which I call 'SCD' i.e. Severe Cheat Disorder.

Mentally
I would be lying if I said that I have always been a sunny ray of a girl, but I was not this dark. After the first occurrence of cheating I got in a bad way, and it did not help that I had just had a baby so post natal depression came big time, or just plain depression. I would forget simple things and had a hell of a time performing the simplest of tasks.
To say I was preoccupied is a gross understatement, and it is by the grace of our Creator that I did a halfway decent job of raising that child. I was in a constant state of panic, anxiety, and paranoia; where is he? What is he doing? Did he go back to meet her? Is he thinking of me? Did he ever love me? What could I have done differently to prevent this? Was it my fault? etc etc and it never stopped, not even when he was right there next to me.
My mind was so crowded with these and more nonsense thoughts that I had no more room for creativity; songs I composed effortlessly were now a heavy chore; words I wrote into poems were jumbled and it was a pain to bring them to rhyme and the fabric I had bought by the yard now lay mildewing in my wardrobe.
I lost track of humor and sarcasm and pretty much everything said to me was an attack which brought out the combatant in me. I alternated between confusion and bitterness, assurance of doom and hopelessness all day, every day.
What did she have that I did not? Was he thinking of me-a few days from my due date-while he was with her? Could I ever forgive him? Did I even want to? Did she know about me and how did she see me, as broken as I saw myself, or stupid, or both? It was a full-time job with no pay, and it started to show.

Physically
I started to have messy eating-habits, sometimes eating too much in an absent-minded state, or not eating at all. There was no order or organization to my diet plans, just anything edible would find its way into my mouth. Coupled with the lack of support from him as when I baked it was a bit soggy and when I fried it was too salty and nothing was ever done right by him, I lost interest in cooking, just put things together and put them on the cooker to get it over with.
Fine little wrinkles appeared on my face from dehydration and I wondered if I had always had dark circles under my eyes.
It was hell.
My skin got dry and flaky; lost its natural glow and felt itchy too, with proper moisturization just out of reach for me because I couldn't or wouldn't do anything to fix it. I was so damn tired all the time and my body hurt, kinda like it does when you have malaria, or maybe I did honestly I don't know. I just wished for strength to carry on, thank goodness my baby kept my hands full, and I never once dropped him (thank goodness for real).
I needed serious strength to smile and laugh and generally be around people without letting the vortex inside me suck all the light and love from their midst and I could rarely summon it so I chose to keep to myself as it was easier that way.

Spiritually
Was there really a God out there and if so why did he let things like these happen? But that was unfair, no third party should be blamed for the wrongdoings of any one individual, no matter how closely aligned they are to each other. I did not see the point of giving thanks or being grateful-for what?
It would have been a gift to sleep and not wake up, and I am sad to admit that I thought of suicide for a while. I felt that I owed it to my son to hang in there for another day, if  only to tickle him and see his toothless grin and hear his hearty laugh; it almost made me forget the emptiness in me.
It felt like an insurmountable task to feed my soul with healthy habits like meditation, reading, and exercise. Reminded me of that old blue song whose lyrics went something like 'why does the sun go on shining, why does the sea rush to shore, don't they know it's the end of the world, for you don't love me anymore......' and I felt it on a spiritual level.

Psychologically
I was stressed and my trust levels in him plummeted. I could hardly trust him after the first time, but after the second one I had negative trust left in him if that was possible. He was a literal green snake in the grass and I wondered why it took so long for me to see his true from.
I felt bitter towards him, and started to see him and his friends as one large cartel of shitheads (which they are anyway haha).
The loathing spread to his family and I would draw connections between all their bad habits then damn them collectively because well the same dirty, cheating blood flowed through all of their veins.
It did not matter that I wanted to forgive and make things work for the sake of our young family; I was just on a level of irrevocable anger, even when I had no reason to be.
The plus side is that I developed an a-hole radar, and can now tell from a guy's words and actions whether he was any good or just along for the ride, and I hope this saves me the heartache next time.

It was a tough trip for me because even after I caught him the second time and he confessed and swore that he had called it off, the affair still went on for close to nine months, with me all the while being silly thinking it was over for real and going through life as normal; going home to visit my mum and stay for a few days etc, to which he had no objection whatsoever. It would seem that the good old proverb against confidence tricks works for relationships as well; "when the deal is too good think twice", because love is after all the ripest field for cons of all natures.
No matter how strong, independent, good-looking, wealthy, healthy, intelligent, or anything else you are, getting cheated on is something no one should have to go through because the implications of it can easily last for a lifetime.
For most people, the details are hazy and cloudy at best for memories of their first kiss, their proposal, or even their first born's births, but ask them about a time they got cheated on and you will be equal parts shocked and dismayed at how much detail they can remember surrounding their discovery of the affair. The human brain is simply that; human, and it will emboss on your brain the things that hurt you the most while it blurs the best as if to protect them from being over-scrutinized and consequently ruined.
The moral is simple. Do Not Cheat, no matter the reason or the occasion, just don't do it, because you will succeed in one thing and that is to tie yourself to the worst part of the worst memory of the person you cheat on. If you have desires they cannot satisfy or you just don't love them anymore, do the sensible and grown-up thing and leave.
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                 XO