PLEASE DON'T TRAP THAT MAN

Hello there dears! I hope you're doing great over there, and I'm here to offer some advice today, which you've probably heard before, but it bears repeating; do not trap that man. It doesn't matter if he's your soul mate, your perfect and better half, the father of your hypothetical kids, etc. Whatever; if he doesn't want to stay with you just let him go, please! You will work so hard at getting him nailed down in place, and then you will have to work at keeping him interested and working for his true love for the rest of your life, which is bound to be hard work....

Think of him like a cat that you want to put inside a box. If the cat does not want to get in the box and you force him, you will be scratched, and if you manage to put him in the box you'll have to work hard to keep him in there. Whenever you want to feed him you will have to open the box to quickly throw in the snack and close it as fast as possible, failure to which you may lose your cat, or your eye, or both because in the process you will receive plenty of scratches. Remember, once that pussy cat escapes the box prison, you will never see him again.
Forever ever.
Grim imagery, no?
Let's get more literal, then.
Imagine going to bed each night, and when he's not next to you, you know he's probably out with someone he feels something for, because once you manage to trap him all he will be thinking of is escaping; which is only human. Just ask the women out there who used pregnancy or some kind of manipulation to trap a guy how it's working out for them and they'll probably tell you it's not so great, that is if they are not still so deep in denial that they will lie through their teeth.

I personally know one who did so; trying to force his arm by getting him to sign on some 'agreement' that he would never want to have anything to do with the kid and when this did not yield the desired results she carried her pregnant self to his parents. She used all her armor, leaving nothing at all to chance - even using her family's background and her situation to evoke sympathy and it worked like a charm.
Or so it seemed.

The guy's mom took pity on her and implored her son to do the same and take her in; she was carrying her future grandchild after all. So she worked her way in, visiting almost every weekend and every time she could spare a moment, telling her new friend and soon to be mom-in-law every dirty little secret she could find of her son, and even a few of the other family members that she could find because, well, who doesn't like a little spy giving them outside perspective of their family?
Soon enough, she had the child and moved in with the guy and they became the perfect family, she had envisioned, but only for a while because soon enough he was out drinking most nights and hanging out with other girls. She would then report all the goings on to her 'mum-in-law' with the hopes that she would reign her son in and get him to act right, but honestly; what mother is going to turn against her son in favor of a woman who she just met? She is also a woman after all, and so she knows all these dirty little tricks that women use where men are concerned.
Eventually the cookie crumbled because she didn't really like the family and pretense can only last for so long, and she started to resent the regular family visits because she realized that she was on her own and the support she had hoped to get from the guy's mum had been a thin veil that wore out. It has gotten so bad that you can literally tell from the guy's expression when he sees the phone ringing that it's his 'wife' because he just gets so damn tired.
She's also not the best human being to be around to say the least- though she seems to be a good mom, to give credit where it's due. She's combative, argumentative, and always has to be the center of attention at all times, and the worst part of her character is that she tries to look like the better person by making other people around her look bad, and getting them in trouble randomly.
So right now watching their lives is kind of like watching some drama movie, and a bit depressing because they lady's angry, the guy is miserable, and the innocent kids (you read that right; more than one) are caught in the cross-hairs of a fight that they should never have been a part of, and they might grow up scarred when they start to see what's going on as they cannot escape it.

Moral of the story? You can take a goat/donkey/hyena/ whatever animal it is down to the river by force, but you cannot make it drink the water if it does not want to so save yourself the eternal headache and leave him the hell alone.
They do say to let them go even if you love them, and if they love you too, they will eventually find their way back to you.

The worst part is when you get a kid/kids in the mix like in the story above because then they become just a passport to your destination; and honestly what do you think will happen when you have the kid, then the guy does not want to even look at the poor bastard, who may resemble him beyond denial?
Will you be able to love him/her despite seeing the face of rejection of your love staring back at you, covered in mucus and dirt, asking you endless questions when all you want is some peace to get something done? Will you really be the mother to him/her that every child deserves because they never asked to be brought here after all; they're just the consequences of your sin? Will you hug them tight and tell them you love them every single day, and that they are the best thing to ever happen to you? Because every child needs that, and you can easily tell the adults that missed it growing up- they are grade A assholes.
Also, child rearing is EXPENSIVE, when you factor in milk, cooking daily for them, milk, a nanny if you are lucky enough to get a job, formula if you can't/won't breastfeed, and diapers (or nappies, nappy liners, pins, nylon underwear, mackintosh, and soap to clean them all up if you go the 'natural' way), so seriously think about it.
Final thought, life is too short to be spending your love where you won't get it back, and there's no point at all to be tapped in a loveless marriage just so you can be called Mrs so-and-so (it's overrated btw). So stay loving my friends, and do not fall into temptation to do the unthinkably unnecessary;chao!
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WARNING SIGNS OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP YOU SHOULD NOT IGNORE Part 2

Hello foxxy mamas and here is the continuation to yesterday's post, because you already know what we talked about here, let's get right into it....

Entitlement
The toxic person will feel entitled to do and have whatever he wants regardless of your feelings or the moral implications. They have an absolute right to do whatever they want and if you disobey or violate them then they will feel they also have the right to punish you however they deem fit.
You, on the other hand,, have no right to put up a fight, or even to leave them because of their mistreatment. You are to stay put in order to avoid even more punishment.

The Waitress Test
The general rule this term implies is that the way your love interest treats waitresses and other random and neutral people of the opposite sex is the way they will start to treat you in six months once the honeymoon phase is over. This period will have served its purpose to his usefulness of you to him and he is now on his way to conquer others so you fall by the wayside.
Because the good nature a psychopath shows is only a facade, it will disappear as soon as your perceived utility is done.

Jekyll & Hyde, Night & Day

The toxic individual is basically a Jekyll and Hyde who uses his good side to attract victims while the bad ugly side is his true self, and which becomes more dominant over time and to those in intimate contact with him. As such some people will say he is an angel while others say he is a demon.
Listen to your intuition if you suspect anything, and see how your partner reacts when you express different needs and opinions and exercise your individuality, bearing in mind that a psychopath will eventually let his true colors out over extended intimate contact.

Walking on Eggshells
When dealing with a toxic person, you find yourself taking extra care on what you do and say, how you dress and relate to other people, and just about everything else you do because you don't know what will trigger their hostility and detachment to you, or some other of their 'punishments' to you.

They Gaslight You
When your partner lies to you to the point that you start doubting your reality then discourages and belittles you until you lose your self-confidence, they are toxic and their next move is to mistreat you until you lash out in the most crazy fashion possible. Remember all the gas-lighting we talked about here.
The toxic individual will put you in a combat situation and your reaction will be used to judge you, harshly, as no one else around you can see the war going on, save for the individuals they may be cheating on you with and such so save your sanity and yourself in this situation; get out.

Your Feelings Do Not Matter
The narcissistic psychopath will only flatter you so they can use and abuse you in the long term because their selfishness is absolute. They are so self-worshipping that others' feelings are completely worthless to them and their capacity for evil comes from their inability to respect others as fellow human beings with independent needs; they only exist to serve their purpose in the designated spots they have for them in their lives.
This person will be really hostile when faced with criticism and reacts with anger whenever their behavior is questioned or disapproved.

Your Friends And Family Do Not Like Them
This is because they are outside, and have an objective view of the situation. In the beginning they might like your partner but as they observe the progression they will grow cold and try to tell you, to which your partner will respond as a disapproval of you and not them by your friends and family.
As they alienate you and make you a version of yourself they cannot recognize, your partner will use this to pit you against them and make them seem like the villains, which will make your alienation almost your own intention.


Past Behavior
A person's past is a great and almost always accurate indicator of their future behavior although sometimes, people change when they put in genuine and consistent effort. A toxic person however will never change as his true nature is damaging and so generally if they have cheated on and/or abused their partners in the past, what you are about to be is no exception so take care.
They will have a 'don't take anything from nobody' attitude and their consistent bad behaviors are down to their lack of character and not their partners, as they would have you believe.

Never Good Enough
In a toxic relationship, nothing you do is ever good enough for your partner; there will always be a new hoop to ump through while the bar keeps getting set higher and higher each time. Once the honeymoon phase is over, you don't support him enough, you don't express yourself well enough, you don't dress well enough, and so on and so forth so eventually they begin letting you know both in words and actions that you are very lucky to be with them as nobody else would want you.

Control Issues

The toxic partner wants you to focus everything you have on them and insist on accompanying you to individual activities so you are constantly in their sight. They may shower you with gifts and money but this is not out of genuine appreciation for you; more in order to discourage you from having to go outside and work out of the house.
The aim of this is in order to keep you from taking part in activities or fun that they are not in complete control of. This goes as far as breakups are involved, and the toxic partner will drop you without a second thought when it is on their terms but when the other party initiates the breakup, they beg and plead and as a last resort use violence to keep you fro leaving, and if you stay their behaviors towards you only get worse.

Quick Attachments
Due to their shallow emotions, toxic partners are really quick to commit to you typically in a few short weeks starting to say they love you and even propose to move in together or get married. They shower you with gifts, promises, and flattery, and convince you that you are 'the one'. This red flag is true because normal people need time to develop a real relationship because there is a lot at stake, but not toxic individuals, who are only trying to get you into their lives so they can go ahead with their main agenda.
As they say 'easy come, easy go', this type of person will be really fast in latching on to you but also be really fast in detaching from you to pursue the next interest.

This is all I have read up on toxic relationships, and I have become an expert at it partly due to being in one for the longest time. So why do I stay in this hell of a relationship myself? Join me next time as I examine the reasons why I do this, and why countless other people probably also do. Till then, stay foxxxy!

Also read it over here!
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WARNING SIGNS OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP YOU SHOULD NOT IGNORE Part 1

A pencil and sharpening

As illustrated by this image of a sharpened coloured pencil on the right, a dangerous relationship will act as a sharpener, not in the lovely way in that it leaves you 'sharper and more focussed' but in that it will frustrate you and leave you spent and hopeless.

Your intuition is there for a reason and as such you should listen to it when it whispers to you, "get the hell out now" and save yourself a potential heartbreak episode.

So today I have outlined a few red flags that you should absolutely not ignore regarding a dangerous relationship; signs that will shine through even the rosiest coloured glasses of a new found romance or dating stage. Because there's so much to write on this topic, I will split the post up in two and will upload the second half of it in my next post.

The Scary Temper
When they resort to indirect violence when angry by throwing things, breaking objects, and punching solid walls, know that this is a display of what they can do to you, and they want you to know it, and you will experience it sooner or later unless you never, ever make them angry and is that really possible?
This intimidation technique also serves to habituate the partner to acts of violence so they can grow comfortable and think that this is normal behavior in any relationship.

Hurting You on Purpose
They might criticize you, twist your arm, pull your hair, destroy your stuff, and eventually get to escalated levels of abuse, so you should get out the moment you see any of these signs because it only gets worse from there and before you know it you are being physically abused or worse yet, getting killed.

Animal Hater
This sounds like a non-issue but hear me out: animals often go along to get along with us and unless we hurt them, they are ok with us so if your partner kicks cats in the house and throws rocks at random dogs, watch out because this juvenile behavior is a sign of deep-seated mental issues and rest assured you will see how bad it can get when you cross them and get on the receiving end.

The Literal Baby

This one wants you to take care of his undeveloped and malformed self as he won't do it himself, and his mother also did not or could not do it. Be wary of this one though because he will draw in the care-giving type of woman, most women actually, and then he will have so much need that it consumes you trying to take care of him.
No grown adult should expect someone else to be responsible for his habits, emotions, misbehaviors, etc so get out before you get drained.

Overly Controlling
They want to have the final say on everything from when you can visit your friends and family, which of them you can see and all to what outfit you leave the house in. To this effect they may use indirect hints and statements like 'that dress really brings your tummy out' or be more direct but whichever the case, you will rarely get approval for your compliance and even if it does come it is a half-hearted 'that's better', no more.

The Killer of Confidence
Although toxic people like short flings because of the promise of variety and new thrills and having large numbers of people around them, they sometimes get into long-term commitments on a target they might deem a challenge. As it is sometimes difficult to control a strong and sober mind, they trade in their extreme flattery for terrible critisism.
They will correct every slight mistake you make so you feel unintelligent, below average and constantly on the defensive. Once your esteem starts to drop and you feel as though you are always doing something wrong, they will treat you badly in a way to imply you deserve it and this erosion of your confidence will turn you into a shadow of yourself befor long.
This brings to mind the conversion of a pretty, eductaed, and much-loved news anchor some years ago by some kind of foreign 'pastor'. Her case was so extreme that she denounced her parents, and continued living with this man even after reports of the death of her son in mysterious circumstances surfaced.

Cycles of Bitter and Sweet
A psycho is incapable of keeping long relationships if he is constantly his true mean, ugly-natured self so he punctuates his evil with occasional good, sweet deeds. This keeps the partner hoping to receive this reward again, and trying to find the super secret to enable them get this good treatment again and again, and although it will keep recurring, it is only meant to keep you hooked but is not a representation of the true intentions of the psycho.

The Blame Game Expert
Your partner never takes responsibility for their misdeeds, and when he doesn't deny his mistakes, he turns it around and finds a way to blame you for it. He hit you? Only because you provoked him. He cheated on you? You are imagining things and reading things into something that does not exist.
No dirt can stick on this one and if for a moment you expect him to take responsibility for his actions then you are in for a shock. He never, ever does.

Public Displays of  Embarrassment

Because he cannot build a physical prison around you, he will build a psychological one by putting you down in public by reducing your sociability and eliminating all positive human contact from your life. He will lash out, call you names, and say rude and embarrassing things to you in public, like a time we were at a party and my resident psycho decided to drag me around the room full of revelers to which I responded by laughing in order to avoid causing a scene at all costs. Another time he twisted my arm while we were walking in the street and as I did not know then what I know now, I accepted his explanation that it was a joke.
If you stay long enough in this relationship you will find yourself smiling and being polite to him in public, if anything to allay the 'punishment' that by now you have no doubt he will deliver and he will have successfully converted strong and proud you into his doormat.

So today I break here, join me tomorrow for the rest of the post; and until then, avoid psychos and stay foxxy!!

Also read here!
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