HAVE I BECOME THE TOXIC PARTNER

Hello there! I trust that your week has been abundant with wisdom and completely positive and all that nice stuff; I just planted some greens in the garden so I could say that mine has been great!
Anyway with all the good vibes going round I came to a kind of revelation while deep in my daydreams, that although I have been the recipient of some especially rotten antics, I may have borrowed from them a little more than I want to admit, and that I may have become a bit toxic from that.

Obviously, 'a bit' is relative.

So anyway the main reason for this conclusion is that sometimes I get really aggressive and go all out in revenge not caring a lot about much else- feelings, thoughts, responses, and anything else (of the other person) just cease to matter to me. And the it's not a change that occurs at the snap of a finger though that is what it looks like to the outside observer. It's a process that begins very much in advance and builds over time, picking random pieces here and there and growing in size like an avalanche until finally boom! It hits the unfortunate victim; nowadays mostly my spouse who I guess has developed some rather thick skin and mostly deals with it better than I expect him to.
It doesn't make it any better for either of us to be able to predict the patterns that lead up to it, but it has to be worth something. He's asked me before if I can stand to live with a person like myself, and in my mind I just see all the logic, planning, rationality, and order that would be there so I say yes every time. But maybe what he sees is everything that I have managed to get out of my self. Maybe I wear all my unlikable traits on the surface so that the inside is nice, calm, and lovely, because I value within a lot more than I value outside - it is my final stand after all, the only place I can find peace, serenity, and security when the world around me goes dark.
I can understand why he wants me to make our house into something similar; so he can have peace, love, quiet, and all those nice things going when he gets home from a bad day out there, so he can rest and rebuild the strength to go face the terrible outside world another day. So why do I not share my inside peace with him? Maybe it could be because I think he doesn't deserve it; he got himself thrown out so now he should just brace himself for the coming winter without any help or sympathy from me. Maybe there's a magic key or set of keys that he needs in order to get back in.
We tend to take for-granted the things that we don't have to work for, and feel they are less valuable than the ones we sweat for. The first time round I gave him the key free of charge, and I can't help but to wonder if I had made him work for it how different things would have been right now? Maybe we would not even be together, and maybe that would have been for the best. But we are now, and have kids that we brought into our stupid, messy lives, so any decision I/We make has to be filtered through their eyes first.

I heard that women find it easier to forgive cheating spouses than men do, but could it be that it's not easier for them to bear mistreatment, but rather it's harder for them to dissociate themselves from the consequences of their actions?
As as stupid as it sounds when you hear 'I stayed and endured it for the kids', it's a very different railway track when you become a mother; when you look into the eyes of your little angels and you cannot think of a single person or thing that you wouldn't kill (or try to) just so those eyes will never cry in pain.
What then is your own self worth at this point? Of course you want to hang around and watch them get little ones of their own and succeed infinitely but what if by looking out for your own self interest and leaving their father you will throw a spanner in the works?
I know it's just as messy to have to watch your parents fight every damn day but honestly, would you rather they just stopped trying and parted ways or they stayed and tried to fix things no matter how much it seemed to take? After all, you never asked them to have you...
So which one would I choose; stay and grow bitter from all the hurt or leave and watch my kids grow bitter because they feel short-changed? It's true they rarely appreciate the sacrifices that you make for their sake but some of these actions have consequences in real-time; and the results are visible for lifetimes in the afflicted. Sometimes.
So which would you rather; that I stay and lose my mind trying to get things under control, or leave and try out new roads, at the risk that my kids will lean the other way when it's too late to change anything about anything?
Which would I rather?
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WHY HE DOES NOT WANT YOU TO GET A JOB

They say that all is fair in love and in war but is it really? Is it fair, for instance, to take someone as a prisoner simply because they love you?
This post is about a major issue that does not get the airplay it deserves; when a woman is in a relationship with a guy that works extremely hard at keeping his woman out of the workplace, or even getting her out of it when she's already in.
I have had my own perspective on this and I came to the conclusion that despite his well-meaning sentiments and words, any control-freak is very uncomfortable with the idea of his spouse being away from the house hustling or formally employed, so read on.
Below are five reasons which I have come to understand make some men shake in their boots when they hear their wives/girlfriends have gotten jobs. Do let me know what you think in the comments section.

Stuck In The Stone-age

In the past, men were the hunters while women were the gatherers, and since hunting guaranteed greater quantities and more variety of food, it followed that they were the main providers in any family unit.
As much as society has changed, some people refuse to budge from this ancient way, both men and women. The women will strive to fit this role by contributing nothing at all financially to the family and wait on the husband to provide , while the men in this mindset will believe that any marriageable woman must be willing to quit her job if she has one, or not look for one if she doesn't.
While some such men will be sensible enough to find a woman who is willing to abide by this and let her know the terms from the get-go, there are those who foolishly find a woman who is a career-type, hide his intentions from her, and then try to coerce or bully her into changing to suit his purposes.
Such a man will not mind if his means of livelihood alone is not enough to sustain a family unit well and will insist that his woman sees his side of things all the while turning a blind eye to hers.
There are women who would love this, while there are others who would not, so it is in everyone's best interests to talk about these expectations early on in the relationship and save hurt feelings in the end.

Control
Men love to be in control, and it fits them, but sometimes they abuse this position that society has so generously provided for them and want to control the behaviors, needs, and even emotions of their spouses.
In this scenario, he will start with small and random non-issues which you should look out for such as asking you to stop dressing the way you dress despite it being decent and to drop your favorite pastimes in favor of the ones he wants.
Soon enough he will target your job, even if he has a lousy one or does not have one at all, coming up with silly reasons like he wants you to spend more time with him or something. The more you indulge him, the bolder he will get, and soon you may have to drop your friends and ignore your family in a bid to sate his psychotic appetite, which you never ever will.
In some cases, it is clear that he feels that you'll would probably grow horns and wings and hit him then fly away lol, or whatever bizarre analogy, so every time you make an attempt to seek out work you may be met with 'you'll never get that job, you need to know someone on the inside', and 'will you be able to do that with your personality? It will be a headache for you', and 'stay home and take care of the kids first', etc etc.
He may usually be very upbeat when you insist on going and come back unsuccessful and if you ask what is going on and confront him with 'why is it that you don't want me to get a job?' he'll respond with a host of vague reasons like 'you will be really stressed out there', 'you will probably not earn enough for it to be worth it', 'you won't bond with the kids', and so on, and most of all, the subheading below:


A Better Man Than He Is To You Lurks Out There

This right here is psycho-fuel; he knows he treats you like crap, and so is sure that you will find a better man out there, so he wilfully keeps you away from any form of employment, or any reason you may have to interact with the outside world. Though it is hard to believe it, there are some men out there who treat their spouses badly but have no idea about it until they are told and some change while others don't, and others yet can't change.
This one, however, will not change. He wants you to stay put and receive what he gives you;all the bad treatment and abuse, and will guard you like a lion guards its food. He is totally capable of being a better man - the version of him that is seen by most of his friends and the women he cheats on you with, and will not hesitate to bring it up in an argument of you feeling unappreciated.
His strength is his deception and is also his greatest pride because he will ask you, 'do you know how well everyone out there feels/thinks/sees that I treat you? There are those who envy your current position with me'. While this may be true, they envy an illusion, same way we thirst after those instagram posts of beach-side-chilling and fine-food-eating without knowing about the struggle that led there, or even exists there.
This kind of man will therefore be sure beyond the shadow of a doubt that a very good number of men at your workplace are his direct competition, and his juvenile ego cannot take losing you so while he will bask in the adoring presence of interns and office cleaners, he will not wish the same for you. His strategy involves not getting out of his comfort zone to be a better man for you, but getting you out of your comfort zone and on the edge trying to constantly appease him so you cannot see other men out there and realize you got a raw deal.

Esteem Issues
Most guys with esteem issues manage to get women in their lives with their need for validation and constant care, which is unfortunately mistakenly endearing for most females at first. Before you know anything is wrong you are knee-deep in quicksand and he won't let go of you.
The first step a toxic guy will take is to bring you down to his level and then push you down lower so you end up beneath him; more damaged than he is, and needing him. One way to get your esteem down in the gutters is by taking you out of your job; hence you lose your colleagues and fall-back plan in the process because a broke person is generally more desperate than a financially liberated one.
It is not healthy for an active mind to stay at home, there are women who will thrive in this environment and there are others who will fail and if you are one of those who would rather keep busy, stay away from a guy who attempts to get you to leave work without a good reason because he will drain you and destroy you, then probably discard you after he has had his fun.

Stereotypical Much

'I cannot be with a woman who makes more than I do/is in a more successful career than me'; if I had a single coin for every time I have heard this, I would be the sultan of, well, coins. It is an open fact that power corrupts, but while this is true for some people, it is not true for everyone and women are no exception.
I have known some rich and powerful women who were complete and absolute garbage, for lack of a better description, but others are their opposite; humble and caring to those around them, and their spouses in particular. Now the problem is that some unfortunate men suffer from herd mentality and when they see or hear something said or done by one they consider an 'alpha', they repeat it and carry it on mindlessly without considering that there might be a different set of beliefs out there different from their own but which work nonetheless.
If your guy falls in this miserable category then Miss, you are straight outta luck because any pay rise you get in an ethical way will stir unrest in his heart, and if he gets laid off from work then he will expect you to do the sensible thing which is to quit in empathy, and so that he will not feel unduly threatened by you.
It does not matter if you are the most subdued female that ever lived; a man with esteem issues will always view you as a threat the second he learns that you have a salary that can support you so he will fight tooth and nail to keep you at home; broke and dependent on him for as long as he can.

This is pretty much all I have on this particular issue and so I am sure you all know what we should all be working extra hard at...... getting ourselves a damn job haha.... So until my next misadventure, stay foxxxy y'all!!

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WARNING SIGNS OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP YOU SHOULD NOT IGNORE Part 2

Hello foxxy mamas and here is the continuation to yesterday's post, because you already know what we talked about here, let's get right into it....

Entitlement
The toxic person will feel entitled to do and have whatever he wants regardless of your feelings or the moral implications. They have an absolute right to do whatever they want and if you disobey or violate them then they will feel they also have the right to punish you however they deem fit.
You, on the other hand,, have no right to put up a fight, or even to leave them because of their mistreatment. You are to stay put in order to avoid even more punishment.

The Waitress Test
The general rule this term implies is that the way your love interest treats waitresses and other random and neutral people of the opposite sex is the way they will start to treat you in six months once the honeymoon phase is over. This period will have served its purpose to his usefulness of you to him and he is now on his way to conquer others so you fall by the wayside.
Because the good nature a psychopath shows is only a facade, it will disappear as soon as your perceived utility is done.

Jekyll & Hyde, Night & Day

The toxic individual is basically a Jekyll and Hyde who uses his good side to attract victims while the bad ugly side is his true self, and which becomes more dominant over time and to those in intimate contact with him. As such some people will say he is an angel while others say he is a demon.
Listen to your intuition if you suspect anything, and see how your partner reacts when you express different needs and opinions and exercise your individuality, bearing in mind that a psychopath will eventually let his true colors out over extended intimate contact.

Walking on Eggshells
When dealing with a toxic person, you find yourself taking extra care on what you do and say, how you dress and relate to other people, and just about everything else you do because you don't know what will trigger their hostility and detachment to you, or some other of their 'punishments' to you.

They Gaslight You
When your partner lies to you to the point that you start doubting your reality then discourages and belittles you until you lose your self-confidence, they are toxic and their next move is to mistreat you until you lash out in the most crazy fashion possible. Remember all the gas-lighting we talked about here.
The toxic individual will put you in a combat situation and your reaction will be used to judge you, harshly, as no one else around you can see the war going on, save for the individuals they may be cheating on you with and such so save your sanity and yourself in this situation; get out.

Your Feelings Do Not Matter
The narcissistic psychopath will only flatter you so they can use and abuse you in the long term because their selfishness is absolute. They are so self-worshipping that others' feelings are completely worthless to them and their capacity for evil comes from their inability to respect others as fellow human beings with independent needs; they only exist to serve their purpose in the designated spots they have for them in their lives.
This person will be really hostile when faced with criticism and reacts with anger whenever their behavior is questioned or disapproved.

Your Friends And Family Do Not Like Them
This is because they are outside, and have an objective view of the situation. In the beginning they might like your partner but as they observe the progression they will grow cold and try to tell you, to which your partner will respond as a disapproval of you and not them by your friends and family.
As they alienate you and make you a version of yourself they cannot recognize, your partner will use this to pit you against them and make them seem like the villains, which will make your alienation almost your own intention.


Past Behavior
A person's past is a great and almost always accurate indicator of their future behavior although sometimes, people change when they put in genuine and consistent effort. A toxic person however will never change as his true nature is damaging and so generally if they have cheated on and/or abused their partners in the past, what you are about to be is no exception so take care.
They will have a 'don't take anything from nobody' attitude and their consistent bad behaviors are down to their lack of character and not their partners, as they would have you believe.

Never Good Enough
In a toxic relationship, nothing you do is ever good enough for your partner; there will always be a new hoop to ump through while the bar keeps getting set higher and higher each time. Once the honeymoon phase is over, you don't support him enough, you don't express yourself well enough, you don't dress well enough, and so on and so forth so eventually they begin letting you know both in words and actions that you are very lucky to be with them as nobody else would want you.

Control Issues

The toxic partner wants you to focus everything you have on them and insist on accompanying you to individual activities so you are constantly in their sight. They may shower you with gifts and money but this is not out of genuine appreciation for you; more in order to discourage you from having to go outside and work out of the house.
The aim of this is in order to keep you from taking part in activities or fun that they are not in complete control of. This goes as far as breakups are involved, and the toxic partner will drop you without a second thought when it is on their terms but when the other party initiates the breakup, they beg and plead and as a last resort use violence to keep you fro leaving, and if you stay their behaviors towards you only get worse.

Quick Attachments
Due to their shallow emotions, toxic partners are really quick to commit to you typically in a few short weeks starting to say they love you and even propose to move in together or get married. They shower you with gifts, promises, and flattery, and convince you that you are 'the one'. This red flag is true because normal people need time to develop a real relationship because there is a lot at stake, but not toxic individuals, who are only trying to get you into their lives so they can go ahead with their main agenda.
As they say 'easy come, easy go', this type of person will be really fast in latching on to you but also be really fast in detaching from you to pursue the next interest.

This is all I have read up on toxic relationships, and I have become an expert at it partly due to being in one for the longest time. So why do I stay in this hell of a relationship myself? Join me next time as I examine the reasons why I do this, and why countless other people probably also do. Till then, stay foxxxy!

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WARNING SIGNS OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP YOU SHOULD NOT IGNORE Part 1

A pencil and sharpening

As illustrated by this image of a sharpened coloured pencil on the right, a dangerous relationship will act as a sharpener, not in the lovely way in that it leaves you 'sharper and more focussed' but in that it will frustrate you and leave you spent and hopeless.

Your intuition is there for a reason and as such you should listen to it when it whispers to you, "get the hell out now" and save yourself a potential heartbreak episode.

So today I have outlined a few red flags that you should absolutely not ignore regarding a dangerous relationship; signs that will shine through even the rosiest coloured glasses of a new found romance or dating stage. Because there's so much to write on this topic, I will split the post up in two and will upload the second half of it in my next post.

The Scary Temper
When they resort to indirect violence when angry by throwing things, breaking objects, and punching solid walls, know that this is a display of what they can do to you, and they want you to know it, and you will experience it sooner or later unless you never, ever make them angry and is that really possible?
This intimidation technique also serves to habituate the partner to acts of violence so they can grow comfortable and think that this is normal behavior in any relationship.

Hurting You on Purpose
They might criticize you, twist your arm, pull your hair, destroy your stuff, and eventually get to escalated levels of abuse, so you should get out the moment you see any of these signs because it only gets worse from there and before you know it you are being physically abused or worse yet, getting killed.

Animal Hater
This sounds like a non-issue but hear me out: animals often go along to get along with us and unless we hurt them, they are ok with us so if your partner kicks cats in the house and throws rocks at random dogs, watch out because this juvenile behavior is a sign of deep-seated mental issues and rest assured you will see how bad it can get when you cross them and get on the receiving end.

The Literal Baby

This one wants you to take care of his undeveloped and malformed self as he won't do it himself, and his mother also did not or could not do it. Be wary of this one though because he will draw in the care-giving type of woman, most women actually, and then he will have so much need that it consumes you trying to take care of him.
No grown adult should expect someone else to be responsible for his habits, emotions, misbehaviors, etc so get out before you get drained.

Overly Controlling
They want to have the final say on everything from when you can visit your friends and family, which of them you can see and all to what outfit you leave the house in. To this effect they may use indirect hints and statements like 'that dress really brings your tummy out' or be more direct but whichever the case, you will rarely get approval for your compliance and even if it does come it is a half-hearted 'that's better', no more.

The Killer of Confidence
Although toxic people like short flings because of the promise of variety and new thrills and having large numbers of people around them, they sometimes get into long-term commitments on a target they might deem a challenge. As it is sometimes difficult to control a strong and sober mind, they trade in their extreme flattery for terrible critisism.
They will correct every slight mistake you make so you feel unintelligent, below average and constantly on the defensive. Once your esteem starts to drop and you feel as though you are always doing something wrong, they will treat you badly in a way to imply you deserve it and this erosion of your confidence will turn you into a shadow of yourself befor long.
This brings to mind the conversion of a pretty, eductaed, and much-loved news anchor some years ago by some kind of foreign 'pastor'. Her case was so extreme that she denounced her parents, and continued living with this man even after reports of the death of her son in mysterious circumstances surfaced.

Cycles of Bitter and Sweet
A psycho is incapable of keeping long relationships if he is constantly his true mean, ugly-natured self so he punctuates his evil with occasional good, sweet deeds. This keeps the partner hoping to receive this reward again, and trying to find the super secret to enable them get this good treatment again and again, and although it will keep recurring, it is only meant to keep you hooked but is not a representation of the true intentions of the psycho.

The Blame Game Expert
Your partner never takes responsibility for their misdeeds, and when he doesn't deny his mistakes, he turns it around and finds a way to blame you for it. He hit you? Only because you provoked him. He cheated on you? You are imagining things and reading things into something that does not exist.
No dirt can stick on this one and if for a moment you expect him to take responsibility for his actions then you are in for a shock. He never, ever does.

Public Displays of  Embarrassment

Because he cannot build a physical prison around you, he will build a psychological one by putting you down in public by reducing your sociability and eliminating all positive human contact from your life. He will lash out, call you names, and say rude and embarrassing things to you in public, like a time we were at a party and my resident psycho decided to drag me around the room full of revelers to which I responded by laughing in order to avoid causing a scene at all costs. Another time he twisted my arm while we were walking in the street and as I did not know then what I know now, I accepted his explanation that it was a joke.
If you stay long enough in this relationship you will find yourself smiling and being polite to him in public, if anything to allay the 'punishment' that by now you have no doubt he will deliver and he will have successfully converted strong and proud you into his doormat.

So today I break here, join me tomorrow for the rest of the post; and until then, avoid psychos and stay foxxy!!

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