HAVE I BECOME THE TOXIC PARTNER

Hello there! I trust that your week has been abundant with wisdom and completely positive and all that nice stuff; I just planted some greens in the garden so I could say that mine has been great!
Anyway with all the good vibes going round I came to a kind of revelation while deep in my daydreams, that although I have been the recipient of some especially rotten antics, I may have borrowed from them a little more than I want to admit, and that I may have become a bit toxic from that.

Obviously, 'a bit' is relative.

So anyway the main reason for this conclusion is that sometimes I get really aggressive and go all out in revenge not caring a lot about much else- feelings, thoughts, responses, and anything else (of the other person) just cease to matter to me. And the it's not a change that occurs at the snap of a finger though that is what it looks like to the outside observer. It's a process that begins very much in advance and builds over time, picking random pieces here and there and growing in size like an avalanche until finally boom! It hits the unfortunate victim; nowadays mostly my spouse who I guess has developed some rather thick skin and mostly deals with it better than I expect him to.
It doesn't make it any better for either of us to be able to predict the patterns that lead up to it, but it has to be worth something. He's asked me before if I can stand to live with a person like myself, and in my mind I just see all the logic, planning, rationality, and order that would be there so I say yes every time. But maybe what he sees is everything that I have managed to get out of my self. Maybe I wear all my unlikable traits on the surface so that the inside is nice, calm, and lovely, because I value within a lot more than I value outside - it is my final stand after all, the only place I can find peace, serenity, and security when the world around me goes dark.
I can understand why he wants me to make our house into something similar; so he can have peace, love, quiet, and all those nice things going when he gets home from a bad day out there, so he can rest and rebuild the strength to go face the terrible outside world another day. So why do I not share my inside peace with him? Maybe it could be because I think he doesn't deserve it; he got himself thrown out so now he should just brace himself for the coming winter without any help or sympathy from me. Maybe there's a magic key or set of keys that he needs in order to get back in.
We tend to take for-granted the things that we don't have to work for, and feel they are less valuable than the ones we sweat for. The first time round I gave him the key free of charge, and I can't help but to wonder if I had made him work for it how different things would have been right now? Maybe we would not even be together, and maybe that would have been for the best. But we are now, and have kids that we brought into our stupid, messy lives, so any decision I/We make has to be filtered through their eyes first.

I heard that women find it easier to forgive cheating spouses than men do, but could it be that it's not easier for them to bear mistreatment, but rather it's harder for them to dissociate themselves from the consequences of their actions?
As as stupid as it sounds when you hear 'I stayed and endured it for the kids', it's a very different railway track when you become a mother; when you look into the eyes of your little angels and you cannot think of a single person or thing that you wouldn't kill (or try to) just so those eyes will never cry in pain.
What then is your own self worth at this point? Of course you want to hang around and watch them get little ones of their own and succeed infinitely but what if by looking out for your own self interest and leaving their father you will throw a spanner in the works?
I know it's just as messy to have to watch your parents fight every damn day but honestly, would you rather they just stopped trying and parted ways or they stayed and tried to fix things no matter how much it seemed to take? After all, you never asked them to have you...
So which one would I choose; stay and grow bitter from all the hurt or leave and watch my kids grow bitter because they feel short-changed? It's true they rarely appreciate the sacrifices that you make for their sake but some of these actions have consequences in real-time; and the results are visible for lifetimes in the afflicted. Sometimes.
So which would you rather; that I stay and lose my mind trying to get things under control, or leave and try out new roads, at the risk that my kids will lean the other way when it's too late to change anything about anything?
Which would I rather?
Also read more here, and don't forget to subscribe!
                                                                           X O 

FEMINISM POINT 1 - 0; MODERN WOMEN VS TRADITIONAL RELATIONSHIPS

Why is it that some men are scared and/or extremely uncomfortable to listen to women talking about their struggles? 
I can't be the only one that's noticed this for real, and I think the main reason is that our mothers, the gentle, docile angels, they are, taught their sons that they are better than their daughters. 
This gave rise to a generation of men who feel the entitlement like heat on a sunny afternoon. They believe that women are fine with their position and those that aren't are just idle troublemakers, and their situation is ideal-although they would not like it one bit if they had to trade places. 
They think they can just ignore it until the issue goes away by itself, and that those who are dogs will keep being dogs while their females endure it silently with prayers and discreet family interventions, just like their mothers did.
Some of the mothers actually have a self-loathing that translates into hating all fellow women, and viewing themselves as irrational, evil, parasitic, and generally useless (only useful for bearing sons I guess, so they can be taught to hate women by the very ones that give them life and so on and so forth).

Maybe this explains why men raised by single mothers tend to be so much better balanced and respectful while those from whole families are mostly spoilt pieces of dung, quite ironically... 
I can't really say about single fathers, as I personally know very few single fathers compared to single mothers (obviously), but they turned out ok too, generally a bit better than the whole families again. 

So this begs the question: have we become so toxic as human beings that our unions generally do more harm than good? Do we paint such a grim picture of living with our spouses that our offspring turn out forever flawed? 

May be arranged marriages of the past (and currently still in some setups) were the way to go, or maybe human beings are just not meant to be together and cohabit with the same individual for long periods of time. Besides, look at families where one or both spouses are away at work a lot, besides the cheating here and there by some rotten elements, their unions generally seem to last longer than those who, say, work together or close by. Strange argument, but hey, it's my observation and  an opinion, which I believe I'm free to express.
Another observation I've come up with over time is that men really love dumb, pushover women, especially those that claim they don't, possibly because when growing up, their fathers were away on some manly duty or other and neglected to teach them to man up, leaving them with their mothers and showing up every so often to discredit everything she did or even rough her up a bit right in front of them. 
They therefore grew up with a false sense of security and delusions in plenty of the way things 'need' to be, and when they went out into the world as half-baked adults with seriously underdeveloped emotional control and sense of responsibility, they had to look for women to fill in the gaps their mothers left so she would do all those things they grew up believing were taboo for a man to do. Instead of understanding that the job description they need to fill is for a house help (or nanny in some cases) they believe they should marry a woman and make her into their mother, hence the development of the bizarre trend of men cheating and having affairs all around. 
Because obviously you don't marry the woman of your dreams-I mean, who does that? You marry a woman you detest, so you can eventually weasel your way out of your home and into some other woman's arms in the name of 'pressure at home' and 'going through a tough phase' in which 'you don't understand each other' because 'things aren't the way they were in the beginning, when you married'. 
Lmao.
I have sadly also come across more than a reasonable number of men who live in absolute total physical filth and are so disorganized they might lose their brains in the mess, and when asked about it, they'll say things like 'I'm still looking for a wife' or 'the wife has not been here for a while'. Note that the 'wife' being talked about here is just a girlfriend working her ass off in the hopes that her contract will be renewed with permanent status, probably not knowing that when this finally happens, all outings, dates, and nights out will stop immediately because, well, who wants to be seen tagging around an actual 'wife'? 


And yet men wonder why so many women are resisting that term and position nowadays lol. It's the new village idiot position, and to tell the truth, who willingly nominates themselves as such?

So what's the point, and what's the solution? I would love to know because it's making life rather unpleasant to be honest. 
While sometimes I feel sorry for these babies in adult skin walking around scared shitless of practically everything but putting on a brave face and talking big, sometimes it just makes me sick to think that they cannot see what's wrong with them, and will continue on (Heaven forbid) to raise sons that are as screwed up as them. 
And no, I'm not even going to talk about that 'equality' stuff because that's the pet peeve that will be in contention until Christ returns to save us all from stupidity or something. Besides, solving that will be for most men like solving world peace for politicians; what else will they do with their time when they can't create propaganda and push agendas with religion and the likes?

May heaven have mercy on us all. 

Until next time, keep it Foxxy, and all the best in your current, or aspiring situation! 😉
Also read it here!                                                                XOXO   

HOW TO DEAL WITH A MOODY MAN

Ignore him until he re-calibrates lol. Seems like it's going to be a short post today haha, probably because there's not much else to say about the issue...
Seriously though, this is all there is to it so let me expound on it a bit, and fill up some more space because I just love it when I have you in rapt attention like this, Rrrrrr 😼

Without further ado;

☺Desist from talking to him, as anything you say at this point can, and will be used against you. This may or may not be in contradiction to some of the following points, but you'll figure it all out, don't worry :)

☺Keep yourself busy with a random but useful little things, like cooking, cleaning, finishing up some book or craft project you had etc; it was waiting for this moment in time. When all is said and done, you will have killed quite a few birds with just one stone.
                                         
☺If you have resolve made of the purest steel; and I insist only if you can take any verbal attack calmly and quietly, approach him and give his shoulders a bit of a gentle massage so as to ease the
tension that's built up from carrying the weight of the whole world on his back......

☺Don't be passive aggressive, e.g. by singing hymns or gospel songs with stinging lyrics, I know this is the favorite of a lot of women. Don't mutter to yourself, bang doors, toss things around etc. What part of ignore didn't you get?

☺Take anything he throws at you graciously unless it's physical - then get the hell out of there asap. Answer his pointed questions neutrally  and respond calmly in a nice voice. Become a basin of lukewarm water, so he will neither get scalded nor frozen when he immerses his miserable self in you because you best believe he will try to get you down and this is a slope you don't want to slip down because, read below:

☺Another pointer for the super strong ladies out there is to try talking to him about what is stressing him. Again, be ready to have your kind words and good intentions turned against you and thrown right back at you, and your gentle feeding hands bitten. Be sure that you can remain cool, calm, and collected at this point because he will work hard at pulling you down and again, you don't want to fall.

Note that the difficulty in all of these scenarios is relative to the man in question; some are tough and stubborn, others soft and malleable, so take care not to apply more pressure than is necessary. It bears repeating that you don't want to fall into the moody emotions because once you do, he will trade places with you then jump on your high horse very fast; leaving you there yapping like a mad woman and feeling feelings you have no business feeling.

He'll be as happy as a demon who caught a break and chastise you, asking you if your mother never taught you how to be a wife/mother, and will push you further down that pit of blind emotional darkness that you never want to fall into.
So if you have the hardened Pharaoh's heart of stone and tend to slip as easily as I do, refer to my initial advice and stick to it; IGNORE HIM!!

Till next time, stay foxxy and consider yourselves tipped off hahaha....

Also read it here, and do not leave without subscribing!                                                           



                                                  ☺    XOXO   ☺

HOW TO BE A 'GOOD WIFE'

Hello my dears and welcome back :) Today I felt inspired to write about the 'wifey material' stuff, what our mamas and grandmamas and occasionally aunties taught us while we were growing up because now that I'm here, the view is hella different lol.
Pardon the million quotes, by the way, it's just that type of day....
So anyway, apparently it's a thing to be the very best female out there so that you can get a mate for life, never mind if he wasn't taught anything by his papa and grandpapa on how to be a good husband because, well, that's your job....
......eyeroll here..... or not, that's rather ratchet behavior I've heard.
I'm making lots of allusions and stuff, but I will try and stay objective, of course I won't buy into the stereotypes and all, but will give my unfiltered view of the tips and tricks (that's what they really are, honey) that so called good wives employ in order to keep that status. Keep in mind, however, that this is not an instruction manual or holy grail, more like a cheat sheet, so there's a chance you may get caught, or things won't really go according to plan so for whatever it's worth, here we go...

THOU SHALT BITE THY RAZOR TONGUE
Until it bleeds, if necessary lol. It is a well known fact that women can talk, and this is even more true for when they are angry but beware for loose tongues sink ships, apparently ...
Anyway, my mother told me that her father, a salty army-man, told her as she was preparing to get married, that words are like arrows, and the mouth is the bow. You need to know that just as it is impossible to stop a flying arrow once you have released it, you also can't catch words after you say them, and even if you regret it and apply a salve and bandages on the wound so caused, the damage will be done and prevention is better than cure at this point.
So whenever you're in a heated argument in a moment of passion, try and cool yourself down, and talk when you are calm because once you let your emotion have access to your words, it becomes a slippery slope down to the gutters and you don't want to spoil a potentially good thing with some careless words, true though they may be.

ALWAYS BE THE FIRST TO APOLOGIZE
This one is closely tied in with the first lesson, but is still a bit different, because at the end of the day, careful though you may be, hurt will occur and then the simmering emotions will remain waiting for some action or other. At this juncture, you become the bigger man (woman), suck it up, and apologize for whatever it was. This will save you lots of pent up anger, and potentially even stop grudges from being born because we all know men are like pineapples - tough and prickly on the outside, but soft and mushy on the inside so just swallow your pride and take the jump.
For your efforts, you will be crowned Miss Polite and because it's never fun being around someone who just folds over and apologizes when in an argument or fight, he will soon stop trying to fuel the fire by engaging you in fights or even picking them out of thin air, all the better for you.

BE PATIENT

Strive to learn patience before the kids get here, because then it will be a very steep uphill climb to juggle them and their tantrums, sleeplessness, moods and general bad behavior from all corners and remain sane. Be patient through everything that you come across and trust me, practice makes perfect so go on.
When he's in a bad mood, be patient, when he's going through a rough economic patch, be patient, when he's taking five decades to respond to the simple inquiry of what he wants to have for dinner (because you need some ideas after making the decision for three months straight), be patient. Make this your song and its chorus, and the only thing you should not be patient with at any level is physical abuse because once it starts it just gets worse by the second.

BE SUPPORTIVE
You need to be his manager, his coach, his number one fan, and his caretaker and nurse all rolled into one, because while he's out and about he encounters lots of opposition and negativity, and when you make the home environment the positive to counter all the negative he gets, he will surely love coming home to you. This may or may not work though, because there is a bizarre breed of men nowadays who respond negatively to love, the more you love and support them, the worse grade of dog they become. These ones love drama, and you will never miss them in public harassing waitresses, checking out every female that passes by, and chatting up a hundred girls online, mostly girls that don't have anything better to do or those that are also chatting with a hundred boys lol.

RESPECT HIM
I think that this would be the biggest  blow to your good wife card, and understand that no man, no matter how unemployed, how bullied, how insignificant in society, how short, or how broke can take disrespect for a long time, especially from his life companion. So respect him, with your words and with your actions, even when fighting do so respectfully because disrespect demoralizes him and a demoralized man is prone to lots of strange and bad behaviors.


LISTEN TO HIM
Now there's a difference between listening to hear and listening to respond, and the first is the better kind of listening- the kind that you also expect from him. Everyone loves a good listen every now and then, sometimes not even to brainstorm and share experiences, other times it just feels good to vent and have someone listen attentively, agreeing where necessary and frowning when needed. So be his listening ear, and he will definitely let you into his life by telling you his daily adventures and ideas and dreams, and you can also do the same eventually.



SHOW HIM THAT YOU LOVE HIM
There's this really old song called 'More than words' sung by a duo called 'Extreme', and it goes along the lines of  using actions to express love for the other, not just words. It's important to show love to your partner, by random acts of thoughtful kindness, a kiss here and a peck there, because actions do speak louder than words. Express it to him and let him know you're thinking of him now and then, and also find a way to tell him to reciprocate because it will add to the general goodness of your relationship.


DO NOT BE TOO NEEDY AND INSECURE

Nothing is a bigger turn off than a woman who is always scowling at those she thinks are better off than her, or look better than her. A woman who is constantly suspicious of all females around her man, including his relatives, and is always sulking about how her man doesn't love her or he spends too much time with or talking with other females, will soon push her spouse away. It's exhausting af always trying to prove your love and justify yourself to someone who is hell bent on not believing you, so just stop it, especially if the claims are unsubstantiated. If you feel the love is gone and you cannot bring it back just swallow your pride, do yourselves both the favor of a lifetime, and leave.

DO NOT BE JUDGMENTAL

Everyone needs to be themselves in order to feel good and satisfied so the best kind of person anyone will want to be around is one who will be accommodating. When he tells you something that is potentially damaging or sensitive for him; something that he clearly thought long and hard before sharing with you, or you just stumbled on him, don't laugh and point and giggle and be a child about it. Listen and as long as it's something that does not cause harm, live with it, and obviously do not stoop to the very low level of gossiping about it with your 'friends'; do they even tell you about their funny and secret relationship issues?

KEEP HIM FULFILLED
This applies to spiritually, mentally, physically, and in all other ways, and sooner or later, he will reciprocate it if he is not already doing it. Even if he doesn't, be the bigger person and do it, your repayment will be done in full before you leave this earth..... The old reggae song sang that a hungry man is an angry man and this could not be more true and also, sexual frustration has been linked to depression (apparently hehe) so do not contribute in the creation of angry, mental psychos with no morals....




LEARN TO LET THE LITTLE THINGS GO
Finally, let the small things slide (I'm not talking about about the kids lol). Most times you find yourself twisted into something unrecognizable over something he did, like leave the socks in the living room on the couch for the trillionth time and honestly, they're not nuclear atoms so just understand that you will have to do so for the rest of your life. If for some reason or other that can't be you, then just leave because either way it's never that serious ☺️☺️☺️.

I am aware that many modern women will be up in arms over this, but just take it or leave it; it's simply a way to make your life easier and that much more fulfilling and at the end of the day, practicing these things will make you a better person all round and there is some joy that is always deep down in any nice person.

Until next time, keep it foxxy, and stay smiling my dears; chao!!
Also read it here!

                                                                    XOXO

DEATHLY HALLOWS; OF RELATIONSHIPS THAT END IN DISEASE, ASSAULT, OR DEATH

Hello mamis!! I hope you're all doing well, I missed you (from the bottom of my heart I promise) so welcome back, and pick your assigned seats......
Last week was wild; from the story of the gospel artists who had some convoluted threesome and infected the lady with herpes (the Greek God of STD's as somebody I know calls it lol), and the tale of the randy pastor who tried to get some former students into bed, to the sad event of the woman who got murdered by her husband and his lover (they say it's a bit complicated so I will leave it at that).
I honestly don't even know where to start, or how much to give to each individual unit, so here goes the mixture of all the mentioned and probably some more, in as good an order as my kinda tipsy mind will allow (do not judge me, I wrote this on a Friday)...

So, PART 1: THE GOSPEL ARTISTS
This one is headed in red with good reason: church people, preacher's kids, and generally gospel
personalities in the limelight have for the longest time been prone to drama, and very unlikely scandals, from theft and abuse, to promiscuity and even murder, they have it all. makes you wonder about those hidden from public view......
So anyway a lady sent a series of messages to a famous blogger in the 254, telling him she had some juice on gospel artists who are not at all what they claim to be. By the time I got to the end of her story though, I had already taken plenty pinches of salt because in summary it went something like this: Guy X calls lady, who featured in some video or other, and tells her he wants to meet up, and she agrees. This is after they have chatted for a while and have become familiar with each other, in the millenial way at least, so they are flirty and have actually agreed to meet up to sample the forbidden fruit. On arrival at the meeting point, X is with friend Y and after lady boards the car it is decided to  go to Y's house instead of paying for a lodging as earlier agreed. Lady agrees, and they go to the house, then start to make out after some drinkd consumption (I'm not sure whether it was alcohol or soft drinks). As the momentum builds up, lady says she is uncomfortable of doing the deed in front of Y, as at this point they are all in the living room, and X graciously agrees, so they move to the bedroom. Once there, and smack in the middle of things, the door opens and Y walks in, naked and ready for action, and he wastes no time starting to fondle lady and etc haha.... Lady objects to this, as it was not part of the arrangement, so it ends at this point, she dresses up, and leaves.
On a future date, Y sends a text message to lady, asking her to kindly forgive him for his misdeeds, and she (kinda) agrees, so from this they begin to talk. One thing leads to another and soon enough they meet up and do the deed, this time X is not in the equation and as it goes, they raw dog it because, well, natural selection and all....
Some time passes after this encounter, and trouble begins, when lady develops some painful boils and sores around her treasure trove, and one hospital visit leads to another, and soon enough the expenses are too much to keep up with even with her sister and mother helping her out. By the time she's diagnosed with herpes, it is situation critical and so she texts Y and lets him know of her mishaps. He delivers true to forms, and ignores her, refusing to send any money and telling her to go right ahead when she threatens to go public with their rendezvous, which she does, even getting an interview on TV to tell of her woes.

Here are some questions for that section:
1) She was at least 19 years old by that time, legally an adult, and she knew full well what they were going to do (hell they did it severally), so why is fida claiming they need to assist, and throwing around rape allegations, yet lady never said they forced her at any point? The only criminal thing in this case would be if Y knew that he was infected, and went on to infect her intentionally refusing to use any protection.
2) What end result did she expect exactly, jumping from one guy to another, neither of which she knew, and even being bold enough to not used protection? I honestly want to know what her endgame was.
3) On going public with this story, what has she done to her dating prospects for the future? She is after all carrying a disease, after sleeping with two guys she was not in a relationship with and whose circumstances are generally suspect.... I am not being a judge here, but honestly if you have at least three brain cells co-operating you know that safe sex is the best sex.
I write all these at risk of being labelled a woman-hater and such, because there are always such individuals out there, but I would appreciate it if I got responses to my three questions above, as I am indeed very curious.

PART 2: PASTOR TESTOSTERONE 

Three ladies told of the story of a pastor who used to go to their school to minister with them, before they cleared school last year, and whom they randomly met at some mall in the city. They were naturally happy to see him, so they talked and hang out a bit then went home, only to get a call at around midnight from the guy. He told them something about needing a place for the night so they directed him to their place (shared I presume), where they somehow civilly passed the night. The next morning, he came up with a grand idea to go on a road trip out of they city and they all agreed, not telling their parents since they were to get back that same day after all.
Needless to say, this did not happen, and at some point they went to a club and the pastor did not drink, but he offered to buy them alcohol which they refused (thankfully). All this time they were with a friend of the pastor who took alcohol, and by the time they were done, it was night, and they had no fare, and could not call their parents to ask because this would land them in trouble, and since the pastor offered to pay for a shared room with two beds, they agreed to stay, only to be told once they got there that "two circumcised men cannot share a bed". Two in the pastors bed and one with the other guy, it was a long night, during which the pastor kept trying to grope them, so the ride back home the following day was extremely uncomfortable needless to say.
When they got back in home territory, trouble was not over yet because he invited the two remaining girls to a fellowship at the church, as one of them left the second she could, wise if you ask me... Soon after their arrival at the bustling meeting, everybody left and it was once again just the pastor and his two scared victims, whom he tried in vain to convince to go back with him for one last night but they refused.
Here, I will not ask questions but rather just state a fact: Gospel music and Christianity as a whole is a sham in Kenya, where the scoundrels all go to hide, so that they can escape judgement from their fellow man but seem to not give a hoot about the one they claim to serve.

PART 3: WIFE, MISTRESS, NEW LOVER, POSSIBLE OTHER LOVER ETC 
This is the saddest part, because it left one woman dead, and a few children in broken families missing one, or in one case both parents...
The body of a woman was retrieved from a dam last week, leading almost immediately to the discovery of her car which was also missing for a day. Her husband had reported her missing the previous day, an due tho fast development of the case was arrested when he went to the dam where the body was found, claiming he had seen a post online saying a woman's body had been found, and he was looking as he was still trying to find his wife. His lover was arrested soon after to aid in investigations and the next day, the story thickened when his very first wife came forward to tell her story, of how he left her and their daughter after some years together, to go and be with the lady who had been murdered. It was a sad case of karma, and it was even stranger still when yet another lady emerged, or rather was dug up from social sites, having taken various pictures together with the guy.
Four women in total, and three children whose lives will be changed forever. We always hear of red flags and all that and sometimes it ends in this worst case scenario of murder, because the guy most likely wanted to leave this second woman, for either the third one or the fourth one, and carry on like that until the end of time. So why do some men feel the need to jump continuously from one woman to another for the rest of time, and actually lead each woman to believe that she is the only one and the final one, makes me wonder is it lust or deceit that makes these relationships fun for the guy?

All in all, it was a hectic week all around and I am glad it's over, on to new challenges and all that, think of ways to further my life and whatnot. Stay safe my friends, and stay disease-free as well but above all, stay smart and until next time, keep it foxxy!!
Also read it here!

                                                                     XOXO