THE APP OF THE DEVIL LOL

The day of lovers, what a wonderful, warm, love-inspiring name.... if only we were a pair of normal people who did not respond to feelings of disconnection in our relationship by downloading tinder on our phones *sigh*. Welcome to today's post though, read on, that you may be wiser where I was not, and that you may not fall in the same potholes I fell in....

The story begins when we have a mood fight at some point of the evening because I'm feeling unwell and don't get the degree of pampering for the length of time I had envisioned and I end up feeling lonely, bored, restless, and alone.

 They were not wrong when they talked about an idle mind being the devil's workshop, and in the wee hours of the night with sleep still some light years away from me, I get a bright idea. Pick up my phone, and try to resist at the last moment, opening pinterest to look at some crochet ideas in a small effort to occupy my mind. It doesn't really work, the way nothing does when you have sex on your mind, so with a sigh, I open the play store, and start to type.

It seems the universe is plotting with me here, I get the suggestion just after the first letter and click on it, then click 'install' with a kind of anxious hope that my phone does not have enough memory but alas, I did get the extra RAM for moments like this, clever, silly me. At this point I am strangely starting to get sleepy but it's too late now and there's no turning back. So I log in, and get asked to confirm my phone number, but start to get taken round in circles because I didn't pick the facebook option to log in, and I didn't want to because *information theft.....
I have to do this in the end though, and this worsens my already bad mood some more, but I am in, and I have messages, from my past chats, like a year and a half ago. I curiously go through them, stealthily creeping along not to trip any live wires that might be there, but only for a second. I loose the care in a snap and go through the messages, responding to some, ignoring others, swiping left and right on the main page, etc. I get a message and I am rather surprised, it is after all half past one in the morning, and I though it would take a while to get those old gears going. It's a blast from the past, with a VERY randy message, one that makes me look over my shoulder in a mix of fear and childish glee.

Wow....
Do I want to do this really?
I don't feel too sure if this is what I wanted........... So I respond in the positive and it's on, but not for long. Seems my chat-mate is sleepy as he's soon offline, I learn after I doze off myself and wake up to no responses. I get a brief vision of hastily undressing in the throes of passion just to fall asleep before any activities, barking dogs, ha.
Naturally, I awake with some difficulty at some minutes past eight and wonder if my indiscretion is still private.... The notification bar is alive with a million things; twitter, whatsapp, instagram, telegram, text, and of course, tinder. I carry the phone to the living room where he's sat down, we pour the tea and pair it with some sweet potatoes that I regret buying; they are watery and stringy as hell but well whatever.
A child randomly yells outside, another screams, so I go outside to investigate but cannot come to any conclusion with no injuries in sight, I go back to my tea. We have some conversation about nothing in particular amidst sips of tea and screams of babies, and he asks if I will be so kind as to open the gate for him, I agree, and though I catch something there I am not too sure what it is so I
release it.
He leaves, I finish my tea, then pick my phone up from the seat where I left it, and start to clear the notifications one by one, but there are no red flames from tinder any more..... I was sure there were about four when I woke up, or did I open the damn app before going out to look at the yelling kids? I can honestly not remember at all so I let it go, no point losing my mind over something I will know soon enough, one way or another.
Days pass and I guess he's gotten as numb as me, or is playing some strange game so I think ok, I will wait it out and cross that bridge when I come to it.....
Also read it here!
                                                                    XOXO

YOLO

A Happy New year to all of you my foxy mamis!! And I do hope that a wonderful and successful season awaits you ahead.
A million apologies for my very long absence, but I was chasing paper on trade fairs and only now settled down a bit. I absolutely had to get something written as the pressure was building to dangerous levels.....

So I have to warn you in advance that today's piece is a bit different in taste from what I normally write, though this is in no way to say I have run out of drama - quite the contrary actually haha....

We started the year on a sad note though, with the attack in Westlands Riverside area, in which 14 unfortunate souls lost their lives. It was a senseless war waged by confused people against innocent civilians and it served to sober us to the reality of how fickle life is for each one of us. 

Maybe this inspired the feelings I'm having, or maybe it's the general flow of events in the past few months, or even just hours, but whatever the case, here's the note on which I ended my day...

I remembered my mom last year telling me of a friend of hers who had lost her husband of a long time, and who she used to argue with every minute. My mum said the two were always at each other's throats so when the husband passed on, it came as a kind of strange occurrence to find the widow devastated (she helped out with finances around the house so she was financially kinda OK, if this is important, this is to say she wasn't totally dependent on him).

My mum gave her condolences and offered a listening ear to which the lady poured out her woes, lamenting how she missed her bastard of a husband (in her own words btw). She said she would give anything to hear him yell at her just one more time, and she missed him terribly and did not know what to do because she realized now in his absence she rather loved him.

Back to today, when some images of the grisly attack were shared onlines some kinda hazy and out of focus but most clear and discernible. It made my head spin to think that the unfortunate people caught out who didn't make it out had family, friends, enemies, nemesis, maybe kids, siblings, and parents who loved them and such.

I realized that most of the things we fight over are inconsequential in the grand scheme, and just a waste of time that we already are very short on. In the end what matters the most is what we felt, and it is only logical that we feel more when we have people around us to feel it with us.
We tend to focus on the negatives because the human brain is a scumbag of an organ that loves to torture its bearers for no reason other than that it can, and by so doing we spend so little time on the positives which is sad.

I remember seeing in a book I read a long time ago that the bitter heart eats its owner, and for the longest time I did not understand what this meant, but hind vision is 20/20 and it could not be clearer now. Letting go of hurt takes supernatural strength, I know because I have been on the receiving end of the deceit of being cheated on, but we are born of stars so I believe we can achieve whatever we set our minds on.
I am not saying I will forget everything that was done to me, although it would be so much better if I could, but I will stop scratching at those scars and just let them heal as they best can. I will not go down that road of angry loathing and tired disrespect because I do not know what tomorrow holds and I do not want to live to a ripe old age alone, biter, and full of regret.

I will seize the damn day, and smile when I can, because days are coming when I won't be able to. I will work on forgiving the past not only because I love him (or loved him, depends on when you ask haha), but because I love me and I'm tired of carrying around luggage in my life which I won't even leave this world with.

So I hope you can do the same my foxxy loves, not for anyone else but for yourself because no one else will do it for you. You do also have to be the change you wish to see in the world, according to Ghandi, so stay foxxy ladies, and until next time, let loose the self love!!

                                          XOXO