AM I RUNNING OUT OF TIME?

Ok my dear foxxes, I realize I have been asking a lot of questions of late, but I promise that this is the last one, cross my heart (I'm not going to finish that.....)

This is not drama per se, or even advice, just more reflection of life in fact, and a general musing of my feelings(?)

Lately I've become very melancholy, and more up and down than usual, now very happy, then very sad, then suddenly very depressed and hopeless, then calm and carefree the next second.
 It's a Rollercoaster for me and unfortunately I'm taking my kids and family along with me, and I

don't think they like it a lot to be honest. I'm pretty sure it's not the baby blues because the little one is almost a year and a half old, and apart from the cheating drama a while ago and other crap the situation at home is pretty stable.
Also, with my super-nanny around I am free to move around a bit so that is that and I honestly don't know what the problem is.

I have been having a dull ache in my head for a while now though, and at some point it became really bad and though we scheduled an appointment to get a scan done, I chickened out at the last minute.

Right now there's always one reason or other for waking up with a headache though, mostly being that the babies wake me most nights so my quality of sleep is not too good. There is also a lot that I'm trying to get done as well: school, this blog, the babies of course, my career, and not to mention my main family's drama lol (my mom and siblings that is).
When I got the babies, I started planning for their futures (I do a lot of planning and I love it haha). I want to teach them how to bead, how to knit, how to crochet, how to read, how to write, how to garden, how to sew a button on a cloth, how to bake a cake, how to tie a tie, how to express themselves and how to behave in public, how to draw, how to do basically everything I know how to do, better, and more things than I know. I want them to know how to mix science with art and get to their aspirations and always dream big no matter what.

I want to show them how to read between the lines, and to follow their instincts because intuition is our secret super power, those of us who don't let it drown in society's deceit and manufactured lies. I want them to know they are my priority and that I will always be there for them, whatever they need, and no matter how scary I am sometimes haha.

For all of these things, there's a hopelessness at the back of my mind so deep and sincere that I can't get it to move at all. It is starting to feel more and more like I don't have the time to do any of that, and between the scenes of impending doom and loss in my mind, I feel as if I will not be able to.
There is a sense of urgency inside me that I cannot escape, and I'm not sure if it's because I've always been the one to see every possibility, and most of them are grim and doom.

I don't even have the strength to pick fights of late, and it seems that I've become boring when I'm a pushover because there's no brakes anymore, he'll outright say it to my face how some girl we're looking at is very hot, or how another one sounds very intelligent so he's going to follow her on Twitter, how I've gotten older than I was a while ago (*insert a very drawn out 'duuuhh'*) etc etc. All of these are ok and probably true to some extent, but they kinda play on my insecurities, which were all instigated by - you guessed it - his damn cheating and general assholery in the first place....
This is getting out of hand, and I don't know why he thinks he has the right to say things like that to me, and in rapid succession also, not even giving one scar time to heal before adding damage. He really is the type to kick someone who is already down smh.

I'm getting so damn tired of this I swear.

Til next time, peace my foxxy mamis.

                                                                            XO